Self Medicating
by Emmy1512
Summary: Alice and Jasper both have ways to cope with their issues. These ways are not always to their benefit. What happens when they are admitted to the same psychiatric ward. Full summary inside. Rated M for self-harm and drug use. Reviews are appreciated.
1. Fragments of a Shattered Mug

**Disclaimer – all characters recognised from the Twilight series belong to Stephanie Meyer.**

**AN – ok guys. Here is a new story from me. I'm just gonna give you a quick summary.**

**Rated M for self-harm, drug use, and generally unhappy themes. This is not a happy story, at least at the moment. It contains some confronting themes, and graphic images. If you believe that it will be confronting or triggering for you in any way, please use your judgement as to whether or not you believe it will be a good idea for you to read.**

**Alice is a girl diagnosed with depression, Jasper has paranoid schizophrenia. Both of them have ways of coping, but do these coping mechanisms to their benefit, or detriment? When they are admitted to the same psychiatric ward, what will happen between the two of them? Will they be able to help one another?  
**

**Alice's POV**

I felt a pair of arms wrap tightly around my body, and lift me, not so gently, from the seat. I groaned in frustration and anger, because it's all I could do. I tried to move my arms and legs to fight them, but they were just too heavy. I felt rain on my skin and something wet and hard beneath me, which I could only assume to be the ground. I wanted to scream and hit my head against something. My mind was still working a thousand miles an hour, even as I lost more blood. I had picked a place, on the south side of town, on a Sunday, where no one ever comes, and they'd still fucking found me.

Someone rolled me over onto my side, and began arranging my limbs, while I could feel someone else placing padding on my wrist and strapping it up.

My mind was screaming at them to stop, that they shouldn't be doing this, that I don't want them to do this, but they kept working over me. I felt the vibrations through the ground as another vehicle pulled up, and I could see flashing lights, even through my closed eyelids.

"What's her name?" a male voice asked.

A female voice, closer to me, answered "I don't know, we've searched the car, and her pockets and bag, there is no identification, and the car is unregistered," the voice paused for a moment before continuing; "there was a missing persons report put out for someone matching her description earlier this morning. If this is her, her name is Mary Alice Brandon, 18 years of age... suicide risk..." she stopped there, and I wanted to roll my eyes at her.

_No fucking shit I'm a suicide risk. What do you think happened to me? I accidently fell multiple times on a blade, slashing my wrists open?_

Two fingers wrenched my eyelids open, and a light flickered across in front of them multiple times, and then stopped suddenly, the fingers moved from my face, and something tightened around the top of my arms, then loosened, and tightened again. Something was on my middle finger, and someone was muttering in the background about blood pressure, pulse, and oxygen stats.

My mind was starting to slow now, finally. I was starting to lose bits and pieces of what was happening around me. I didn't feel myself being lifted from the ground, but all of a sudden I could tell that I was moving. I wanted to kill whoever got me in here, because, undoubtedly, I was headed to a hospital.

Someone grabbed my arm roughly, and wiped it with someone cold. I remembered this part, and braced myself for the sharp pain that was to come next. As predicted, all of a sudden a pain came and went, and my whole arm was suddenly cold, inside and out, I shivered involuntarily.

"Can you hear me?" the same male voice from before said, to me, I assume. I didn't say anything. I wasn't sure if I could or not, and I sure at shit wasn't going to try. I hated this man at the moment, as I hated whoever found me, and I hated whoever put out a missing persons report for me. If I lived, they were going to die.

I let myself slip into the darkness that was beckoning me. I didn't need to hear what was going on, and perhaps by being asleep it'd make this time go faster. I didn't want to be awake while they saved me, against my will.

x-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------x

When I awoke from the darkness, I could hear beeping and the sounds of people walking around. There was a hand resting on my arm. I moved my arm away, trying to stop any contact with whoever it was. I didn't want to be comforted, or doted upon. I didn't want to be wherever the hell I was.

"Alice, are you awake?"

I wanted to scream as I heard my friend's voice coming from beside me. What the fuck he was doing here I did not want to know. Instead I opted for nodding my head instead, letting him know that I was awake.

"Oh thank god, I was so worried. Ally, why would you do that to me?"

This was my undoing. I didn't want him to fucking make me feel guilty.

"This was not fucking about you Joshua! You have no right to be here, let alone any right to make me feel guilty!"

Joshua's face dropped, and I could see the sadness and hurt in his eyes, but as with everyone else, he stood from his chair, and walked away; leaving me alone in this hospital. It was bound to happen, why would I prolong it? I let him walk away, not expecting him to come back anytime soon.

With Joshua gone, that left my family. My dad wouldn't come to see me; I already knew that from previous experience. My mom wouldn't leave, but I could ignore her. And my sister thought I was just insane, so any visit from her would last long.

I lay on my side, and examined my wrist. I was covered by a bandage, which I undid quickly. I didn't like having bandages over my cuts. Seeing them made me feel strangely better. I looked over my arm quickly. Two superficial cuts, with a total of 7 stitches, and then the cut on my wrist, which had 5 stitched on the surface, and an unknown amount of internal stitches. They would have had to. I know I hit the tendon sheath. I'd gotten the vein, and cut further, until I was too weak to cut any more. For I know they may have already put me into surgery, in fact, they probably had. But I wouldn't know until a nurse noticed that I was awake.

I began to pick at the stitches. From the way they were itching, I'd say they'd been in for at least 24 hours. That meant I'd been asleep for at least that long...

"Mary Brandon, stop picking at the stitches," a voice behind me chided. I looked around to see a nurse standing over me. I hadn't even heard her walk up. I narrowed my eyes at her, before moving my hand away from my wrist.

"Where am I this time?"

I had no idea what hospital I would be in this time. The last time I was admitted I was moved from psychiatric ward to psychiatric ward. No where would keep me; I was too challenging for them.

"Greenside Psychiatric Ward, of Saint John of God hospital."

_Fan-fucking-tastic. A catholic hospital. _I wasn't exactly an advocate for religions, after all the shit that had happened to me.

The nurse must have seen the expression of disdain on my face, because she said quickly "don't worry dear; you won't have to attend mass, or pray. We do not force Catholicism upon our patients."

The next hour passed in a flurry of tests. I was lying on the hospital bed, wondering when I'd be transferred to the actual ward. I was currently in the medical section of it. They didn't like to keep psychiatric patients in the emergency ward for too long.

The door opened and a young nurse walked in with a wheelchair. I looked at it sceptically, before looking up at her.

She let out a light chuckle. "I know you can walk Alice, but I'm not allowed to let you. My name is Chantelle, and I'll be your main carer. If you need anything while I'm on duty, you ask me." She smiled at me, and I raised an eyebrow back, before transferring myself from the bed to the wheelchair.

"How did you know to call me Alice?"

"It says on your notes. You dislike being called Mary. Most nurses wouldn't take that into consideration, and call you Mary anyway. I do not think that it would be fair to call you something you didn't want to be, simply because you're a patient here."

I was stunned by the nurse's words. She was right. No other nurse, in any hospital I'd been in had called me Alice.

She started to push the wheelchair out of the room, and down the corridor. We entered a lift, and took that to the ground floor. We left the foyer, and went outside, where it was bright and sunny, a stark contrast to the last day that I remember. I squinted, and looked around. There was a road, and across that, a pond. Next to it was a building about three times the size of an average house. It didn't look much like a ward from the outside, except that it had a large stone sign out the front, saying "Greenside Psychiatric".

Once inside the front doors, Chantelle stopped the chair, and put the brakes on.

"If you feel you're able to walk, you can stand up now. No point in wheeling the chair about this place, unless it's for fun."

I raised an eyebrow in question at her, but she just smiled and shook her head.

I stood from the chair, shakily at first, but I was soon able to follow Chantelle to the administration desk.

I filled out the forms for my health insurance quickly. I had done them so many times before that I had no difficulty.

Once I handed them back, Chantelle looked over to me.

"Ok, it's time to show you to your room, and give you a tour of this place."

I followed her, again. We walked through a large, what I assumed to be, fire-door. There was a cluster of 4 rooms to my left, and I expected her to turn into those, because they were close to the nurse's station. Instead we kept walking past the nurse's station, and up a hallway.

"There are 20 rooms here. It's reasonably small, and the patients here are all here under their own will after 3 days. You are free to leave after that, although it is not recommended that you leave until your designated psychiatrist says to. You will be in room 17," she finished, motioning toward the door of the room we had just stopped at.

I opened the door to see a bedroom sized room, with a real bed in the centre, against a wall. There was a large cupboard, to the right of the bed, and a desk to the left. In the wall behind and above the head of the bed was a shelf, with a plastic jug of water, and a plastic cup.

There was a door to my left as I stood in the doorway, and I had no idea where it led to. I walked into the room, with the intent to open the door, but I then spotted a small overnight bag on the bed. I walked over it, and opened it. Inside was a pair of pyjamas, a couple of tops, and my favourite pair of jeans.

I turned to Chantelle.

"Where did these come from?"

"Your mother dropped them off earlier this morning, when you were still asleep. She said that she'll be in later, after work."

I grimaced, and Chantelle said "you don't have to see her if you don't want to".

I just shrugged my shoulders, and turned to the mystery door. I pushed it open to reveal an ensuite, with a small shower head, without shower rails for a curtain, next to a toilet. There was also a sink, with a mirror, and cupboard space underneath.

"I get my own bathroom?!"

Chantelle chuckled behind me.

"Yes, we get that reaction a lot actually, by new patients. You do get your own bathroom. You are also allowed to keep the door closed for extended periods of time. This room is considered your space. We will only entire it with your permission, or if we believe that we are needed. It is preferred however that sessions with your psychiatrist and nurses take place in here, but that is entirely up to you. You're welcome to put up a few pictures of family and friends, and you're allowed one poster, so long as it isn't offensive or...depressing..."

_Makes sense._

I nodded.

"Ok, well you can put those clothes away later. For now let me take you on a tour of the ward."

The dining room was next to a kitchen, where you apparently chose what you wanted to eat that night. Everyone was expected to appear at breakfast, and dinner. The tables and chairs were wooden, with metal legs. Everywhere else that I had been had plastic tables and chairs. There were 2 activity rooms that were used for group therapy sessions, which were run all day on the weekdays apparently. Again, we were expected to attend two sessions a day.

What amazed me the most though, was that there was a courtyard out the back, with people talking and smoking, with their packets of cigarettes, and their own lighters, without the supervision of nurse's, next to a small pond. Looking around I could see no security cameras. To top it all off, there was a gate, which opened to let people in and out. It wasn't locked. This entire ward was easy to leave if you wanted to, and yet no one seemed to even be looking at the gate. It seemed to me this place put a lot of trust in their patients.

The nurse left me a couple of minutes later, after showing me around the kitchen. I made myself a cup of peppermint tea, and went back to my room. Sinking down on the bed, I looked around. The entire wall opposite the door was a window, with two parts of it that opened.

I finished my mug of tea, taking the mug into the bathroom to rinse it out. All of a sudden I felt a familiar flash of anger course through my body, and I threw the cup against the tiled wall. A few moments later I calmed again. It always happened like this. I started to pick up the pieces, and putting them in the bin.

I examined one piece, which looked like it had an especially sharp edge, because the glaze was longer than the ceramic. I tested it by running it over the tip of my thumb. It was sharp. Sharper than a blade in fact. I closed the door of the bathroom, and locked it. The lock could be opened from the outside, but they would hopefully knock first.

I took off my clothes, and turned on the shower. I sat underneath the stream of water, which wasn't hot enough, even with the hot water as high as it could go.

Taking the fragment of shattered mug, I pressed down on my thigh, and ripped it across with as much anger as I could muster. Immediately I felt the anxiety and desire to punish myself ease. Again and again I pulled the piece of mug across my skin, watching as the blood flood freely from the open gashes.

Eventually I stopped, as I always do, and leaned back against the cold wall, letting the water hit my legs, producing a satisfying sting.

I lay down on the bed after I got dressed and stopped the bleeding, and lay on my bed, waiting for the announcement for dinner, I drifted into an uneasy sleep.

**AN – please tell me what you think :) I will always try to reply to reviews. I will also make a podcast for this new story later tonight. The link to that is at the top of my profile.**


	2. Little Orange Pills

**AN – ok, so Jasper is introduced in this chapter. **

**Rated M for self-harm, drug use, and generally unhappy themes. This is not a happy story, at least at the moment. It contains some confronting themes, and graphic images. If you believe that it will be confronting or triggering for you in any way, please use your judgement as to whether or not you believe it will be a good idea for you to read.**

**Jasper's POV**

I threw five little orange pills down my throat without water, and lay back on the cold tiled floor of my small kitchen in my tiny one bedroom unit. I waited, and waited, but it never came. I wasn't losing consciousness, as I had hoped, instead my legs felt like they were begging me to move.

"You're insane Jasper, I told you, but of course you didn't believe me"

"Oh shut up. I know I'm insane. I also know you're not real. Why the hell do you think I take these things?" I replied to the voice, motioning to the box of Seroquel to my right.

"You know that I am not real, and yet you talk to me? That seems a bit contradictory to me."

I rolled my eyes, and turned on my side, reaching for the bottom of the fridge. I pulled it open by sliding my fingers beneath the broken seal, and searched my fridge for anything edible that I could reach from my position on the floor.

_Nothing. Great._

I grabbed the beer at the bottom of the fridge, and opened it with my teeth.

_Thank Christ for twist top bottles._

"No amount of alcohol, or stolen prescriptions, is going to make me go away. I'll always be here."

I groaned as the voice spoke to me again. He wanted me to call him by his name, Alex, but I wasn't about to do that. I knew that he wasn't real, because at times, his voice was distorted, like it coming through an old radio.

Paranoid schizophrenia. That's what the psychiatrist told me. I didn't give a fuck what it was. All I wanted was to get it to go away; hence, the Seroquel and copious amounts of alcohol. When it was really bad, I'd slash across my chest with the kitchen knife. It was getting blunt now though.

I finished the bottle of beer in two gulps, and reached for the next, when I felt my body start to slow. Finally. I grabbed the box of tablets, and swallowed another five to speed up the process. I have no idea how much it was, because the box didn't say what dosage each tablet was, but I had taken about the same amount yesterday, and that got my out like a light. The voice had only just come back an hour or so ago. Hopefully it would be gone completely for all of tomorrow.

x-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------x

My heart was pumping like I'd been running a marathon. Drops of sweat were pouring down my face.

_People everywhere are looking at me!_

I glanced behind me to see if the man who had been following me was still there. I looked back and he wasn't. Looking back forward, he was in front of me. I jumped back, ready to fight him off, when I saw three other people coming up around me.

"Fight them off, Jasper."

The voice was back again. It had been gone for at least 24 hours. I don't know exactly how long though. Time had gotten away from me.

"Fuck off; I can deal with this myself."

"Whatever you say man"

x-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------x

I opened my eyes to a warm looking room, with cream walls.

"Are you awake, son?"

I looked over to see my father, sitting in a chair in the corner. Looking around, it dawned on me that this was a hospital room.

"Yes, sir. I am awake."

I had always called my father sir. He is a Colonel in the USAF. He had always called me son, not in an endearing way. In a way that reminded me that he was in charge, and that I was never to question his orders.

"You're staying here for three days, because they say you have to. Then you're out. You'll toughen up. I will not see my son locked up in a loony bin. If you stay, you are no longer my son. Is that understood?"

_Ah, typical reaction. Not telling me why the hell I'm here this time._

"Yes, sir."

My father stood up and walked out of the room. I need not expect a visit from him in my three days. Mental illness is not in his vocabulary. A nurse, who was standing outside the room while my father spoke to me, walked in.

She was young, maybe 25 at the most.

"Jasper, I'm Chantelle, and I'll be your nurse for your stay here at Greenside."

"You're new."

I had been here before, a few times, and I had never seen her around before. Chantelle smiled at me.

"Yes, I have only been here for about 3 weeks"

I sat up in the bed and noticed for the first time that it was a real bed, which meant I wasn't in the medical section of the psych ward.

"Why am I here already?"

"You brought yourself here, Jasper. You were admitted straight away. Don't you remember any of that?"

I shook my head, trying to recall anything.

"The last thing I remember is telling the voice to fuck off. There were people trying attack me, and it wouldn't shut up."

"Drug-induced psychosis Jasper. There was no one trying to attack you. When you came here you were pacing around the room, talking. You were sweating, and your heart rate, the one time we were able to check, was 160bpm. It was as if you were having a panic attack, within the psychotic episode. If you believed that you were being attacked by a group of men; that could explain those symptoms."

I narrowed my eyes at her.

_Why should I believe that this is real? The group of men attacking me definitely seemed more likely._

Chantelle smiled at me again, reading the expression on my face.

"You're just going to have to trust me that I am real. Before you say anything; yes, I do realise that that is not as easily done as said." She paused, and looked at the paper in her hand. "Looks like you're not getting any medication for the first week, and the withdrawals from the Seroquel are going to be bad for a few days. But we can't give you anything. The levels of Quetiapine were too high, and we don't want to risk overdose. You're lucky you haven't already. You're also going to have to explain to your psychiatrist why there was diacetylmorphine in your system."

_Wait, what? Smack? Fuck me. How the hell do I not remember doing that?_

I didn't say anything to her though. She said I'd have to explain to the psychiatrist, not to her. I could make up bullshit with my psychiatrist. He was the least perceptive person I have ever met. I honestly have no idea how the bastard got into the medical profession, let alone psychiatry. I wasn't complaining though. It meant out of here faster for me if I came up with a good lie.

Chantelle left the room momentarily, returning with a wheelchair.

"Because you've been here before I'm assuming you know the policy with the wheelchair?"

_Not allowed to walk from here to the ward because you all think I'd make a run for it? Oh yeah. I know that one._

I nodded at her, and moved myself from the bed to the wheelchair.

It didn't really make sense, that they wouldn't let me walk, given they were taking me to a ward where I could walk out the front door, or even the gate in the courtyard, if I wanted to. But I didn't really. I'd do my three days.

"I assume that once we get there, you don't need the tour either?" she said, a smirk in her voice.

_Oh ha ha. No, I know that place better than my own apartment. I could tell you which window you can sneak alcohol in. I know it better than you._

I opted for saying "no, I know it well," instead. I didn't want to risk them closing up that window.

The nurse let out a small chuckle before adding "we only have nine other patients at the moment. It's a very quiet time of year, but we did have another new admission just a few hours ago."

That was a change. Every other time I'd been here it had been full, with a waiting list of about ten patients.

We got to ward, and I stepped out, greeted the reception lady with a tip of my head, and she blushed.

"Mornin' Rebecca," I drawled in my Texan accent, to add to the effect.

"Come on, Jasper. Stop making the staff flustered." Chantelle said from behind me, and I shot the receptionist another quick grin and winked, before following Chantelle to my room.

_Room sixteen. Never been in this one before._

"There's the young lady who was admitted a couple of hours ago in room seventeen, and no one in room fifteen. This corridor is reasonably quiet. There's a man scheduled to be discharged tomorrow, so it will just be the two of you in this corridor."

I nodded, I really didn't care who was in this corridor with me. I planned to be here for three days, do nothing, and get back out again. The psychiatrist would hate it, but I couldn't be here for longer than that, my father would quite literally shoot me.

x-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------x

I woke the next day to the sound of the patient in the room next to me moving around. She was quiet. That was the problem. I could hear her moving, but it wasn't loud enough to discern what she was doing. It was frustrating. Instead of trying to get back to sleep I flung myself off the bed and opened the curtains by a couple of inches to see what it was like outside, but the moment I did that, I pulled them back closed again.

_Fucking BRIGHT._

"Morning Jasper. Got yourself in the loony bin now haven't you? Told you you're insane."

I groaned, and shook my head, trying to get the voice to go away. It didn't work. I knew it wouldn't. I opened the door to the bathroom, and stood under the shower, still fully clothed from the night before. The water soon made my jeans heavy enough that they just slid down my legs, and I kicked them off. My underwear went next, followed quickly by my top. I turned into the stream, and let the water hit the now two day old cuts on my chest. I knew how to hurt myself in this place, if I needed to. You had to be careful though. Being caught mean getting a longer sentence, and being shipped off to a closed ward, where you had no freedom.

_Learn the rules well, so you can break them the right way._

The words of my former best friend ran through my mind. He, and his fucking drugs, was the reason I was in here in the first place. Maybe not entirely; but that was my breaking point, in the end.

I threw on a pair of pants, and a ratty old top that would fall apart at the seams any moment.

_That's ironic. Just like its fucked up owner._

I grabbed my packet of cigarettes, and headed to the court yard. There was a corner, right near the gate that people didn't use. I always sat in that corner when I was here. It was Jasper's corner. People fucking knew that. And yet I opened the sliding door that led to the courtyard, and there, in my corner, was a girl, short spiky hair, sucking in on a cigarette, staring blankly out of the gate.

_In MY fucking corner._

**AN – Hope you liked it, reviews are appreciated.**


	3. To Be Silent

**I do not own the characters recognized from the Twilight series, I make no profit from the story.**

**AN – hi all, sorry this took a couple of days to get out of me. As always, this contains graphic imagery and themes of self harm and drug use. If you believe that these themes may be triggering to you, please use your judgement as to whether or not reading this would be in your best interest.**

**Thank you to everyone who has reviewed so far. I have received overwhelming support to continue.**

**Alice's POV**

_A broken leg can be remembered and located: "It hurt right below my knee, it throbbed, I felt sick at my stomach." But mental pain is remembered the way dreams are remembered—in fragments, unbidden realizations, like looking into a well and seeing the dim reflection of your face in that instant before the water shatters._

–Tracy Thompson

The concrete ground was cold beneath me and the brick wall hard against my back. It felt right. It hurt, and yet it was so comfortable. In this spot, staring out the blue metal gate, sucking in all the chemicals that I knew were terrible for me. It all felt right. And I couldn't figure out why. No matter how right it felt though, there was only so long I could hold of the memories that haunted me. My mind started to wander, and I'd quickly snap it back, making myself think about something, anything, else. It only works for so long though. Eventually memories come back to haunt you. Eventually you are drawn back into the nightmarish memories.

_**Flashback**_

"**You're nothing, Mary! You're a whore. That's all you are. Just like your mother." My father screamed at me. I knew that he was only taking out anger on me. He didn't mean the things he was saying. Ever since my dad's new girlfriend had moved it, it was fight after fight. No night was calm. It didn't help that mom had her new boyfriend move in recently too. He was nice enough though. It was the change was difficult.**

**I closed my eyes, begging myself not to cry. My father had never laid a hand on me. That doesn't mean he hadn't thrown books, dishes, anything he could get his hands on when he was in a fit of rage, at me.**

**I felt something hard hit my shoulder, and my eyes snapped open to look at the object that had hit me. It was now lying on the floor, discarded, like a used cloth. No one wanted to pick that up now.**

_**Just like me...**_

"**Look at me when I'm talking to you, Mary Alice Brandon!"**

**I lifted my head slowly to look at my father, his face contorted with anger that only two bottles of wine could bring out in a person. Surely no person could be this angry, this violent, and this irrational while sober?**

**I locked my eyes with his, and the tears started to fall, as always. It was his eyes that did it to me. I can remember so vividly the days that I would look into his eyes and see love. I hadn't seen love for me in his eyes for so long. I'm surprised that I can even remember it really.**

**My father huffed at my compliance, and turned to walk out of my room, slamming the door behind him. He was most likely off to sit at his computer again, and talk to one of many online 'friends'. My stepmother was lying in bed, knocked out by her sleeping pills and brandy. Not that she would have stopped him screaming at me anyway. She would have most likely joined in. They could make a sport out of it.**

**I sat down on my bed, and looked around my room. It was a mess now. Books were thrown everywhere, clothes strewn across the floor. Dad had gone through my stuff, searching for something. I honestly haven't got a clue what, but he obviously didn't find it. Maybe that's what got him angry the most... not having a reason to be angry this time.**

_**End Flashback**_

I was pulled out of my memory as a shadow was cast over me. I looked up to see a tall boy, probably just a little older than me, standing over me. He looked pissed.

"Hi?"

He narrowed his eyes at me, and looked over me for a few seconds, before sitting down next to me, pulling out a packet of Benson and Hedges.

"Smooth?"

He nodded at me, and held out the packet. I looked down at the cigarette in my hand to see it had burnt to the butt. I took one, and lit it quickly.

We sat in silence, dragging in the smoke, and puffing it out. I focused on the breathing techniques. Being this close to someone scared the shit out of me, but I wasn't about to jump up and run away...yet.

"Name?" the boy asked me, and I looked at him in surprise. He had practically whispered it, I wasn't sure he was talking to me at first. He looked at me, and I looked away quickly before he could make eye contact.

"Alice."

He grunted, and out of the corner of my eye I saw him nod. The sliding door to the kitchen slash eating area opened, and my nurse walked out, holding two small plastic cups, one bigger than the other. She spotted me, and started to walk over. I stubbed out my cigarette quickly. I don't know why. It didn't seem right to be smoking in front of a health professional; especially not if they were 'treating' me.

"Alice. Good to see you've made a friend."

I raised my eyebrows slightly and looked at the boy next to me, who seemed nearly as shocked as me to have us referred to as friends. I didn't have friends. Chantelle simply smiled at us a little, apparently oblivious to our state of shock, before continuing.

"It's time for your medication, Alice."

I looked at the cup to see three pills. I narrowed my eyes, trying to figure out what they were giving me this time. I'd gone through so many different types of medication that I thought I knew them all, but I didn't recognize the ones in the cup.

"The doctor over the road prescribed you these, until we can get the psychiatrist in to see you, which should be later today. It's Zeldox, and Fluoxetine, which is a type of Prozac."

Something about Zeldox made me wary. I ran through my memory, and suddenly it clicked.

"Why are you giving me an antipsychotic?"

Chantelle paused, and opened the folder that was under her arm. She looked over it for a moment, eyes darting back and forth, she nodded her head slowly, as if this was the first time she'd read my file.

"It says here that after consulting about your mood, the doctor came to a conclusion that your mood was unstable, and indicative of a personality disorder. That is what, I assume, you will be covering in today's session."

I nodded, and took the small cup from her hand, tossing the pills into my mouth. She held out the water, and I shook my head.

"Open."

I opened my mouth, and she looked in. She nodded and turned to walk away.

The moment she was through the door, inside, and out of sight, I took opened my mouth again, and slid the tablets out of under my tongue, into my hand. They were relatively untouched by saliva, and I examined them, a look of disgust on my face.

"Where'd you learn that one?"

I'd almost forgotten about the boy next to me. I turned to look at him, and he looked nearly impressed.

"What's your name?"

"Jasper. Now, where did you learn that?"

"This isn't my first time pill stashing, Jasper." I put a bit of force in 'Jasper'. I was annoyed that he had assumed that I didn't know anything about working my way around rules. Plus his name made him sound like a pretentious arsehole.

He nodded again, and lit up another cigarette. He held the packet out to me again, but this time I shook my head. I stood up, and shoved the pills into my pocket.

Without saying goodbye I walked away, entering the dining room, and making my way down the long corridor to my room.

I lay on my bed, after stashing the pills in the lining of my bag. There was a three inch slit in the lining that let me put things in there. Most people didn't notice the opening in the lining. I started silently thanking some higher power that my mother had grabbed this bag, and not one of hers. I reached into the pillow casing, and pulled out the piece of broken mug, and rolled it around in my hand, staring at it for god knows how long before standing up and walking into the bathroom and locking the door. This time I didn't bother turning the shower on. It was too early for a shower, so it would only cause the nurses to worry, and come and check on me.

Revealing my already scar and cut covered thigh, I placed the piece of mug to it, and thought for a moment. I pulled it across, pressing hard. I could feel bits of mug cracking into the cut as I went. I cut across, up, and across again. Making an 'H'. I continued, watching the flood drip onto the tiled floor, until I had carved 'HATE' deep into my leg. To most people it was an emotion felt occasionally, towards people who had wronged them. To me, it was an emotion I felt on a daily basis, toward myself, and everyone around me. Being in here only exacerbated that hate. I grabbed tissues, and dabbed the blood off my leg, and waited for the bleeding to stop. I then grabbed a face cloth from the sink, and scrubbed the floor frantically, tears running down my face silently.

To be silent was to be unknown. And to be unknown was to be safe.

x-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------x

A soft knock on my door came later that night, and it was pushed open as I sat up on my bed, my eyes narrowed in confusion.

"Alice?" Jasper's voice came shaking from my doorway.

"Yeah?"

Jasper walked in, and I saw he was sweating, shaking. He was chewing his lip, looking at me desperately. The part in me that wanted to help people came out instantly.

"Jasper, what's wrong? Sit down." I motioned to the end of my bed

"Do you have those pills still?" he whispered.

I nodded slowly, the cogs turning quickly in my head as I realised what he wanted. I had been there before. Not as bad, but I had.

"Please..."

I jumped off my bed, and pulled the bag from the bottom of my cupboard. Scooping the pills out, I handed him the two Zeldox, and bit my lip, the same way he was his. He threw the pills quickly to the back of his throat, and swallowed. I saw him close his eyes in pleasure, even though the pills would have had no effect yet.

"Thank you..."

_The plain fact of it was that I was miserable—though my misery wasn't so much sadness as it was a shrieking unease, a gnawing despair, which I had been trying that morning to cut out of myself._

–Caroline Kettlewell

**AN – ok...so as you can see, that was a bit of a depressing chapter; but I did warn you. I hope you liked it, and reviews are appreciated.**


	4. 5 Little Strips of Bandaid

**AN – thanks to the people who reviewed the last chapter. Here is chapter 4. Hope you like.**

**Jasper's POV**

My hands were shaking, I could hear my heart beating faster than it ever should, and beads of sweat were starting to run down my face. I had an uncontrollable urge to move. I just wanted to run. I needed my body to feel pain, exertion. Instead, I got up off my bed, and walked out into the corridor. Glancing down the corridor to check for nurses, I walked quickly to the door of room 17. Knocking, I stood there, shaking my hands, trying to get all the energy out of them. Desperately trying to stop whatever the hell was happening to me. The voice wouldn't shut up. It just kept talking about shit that made no fucking sense whatsoever.

I pushed open the door a little after a few moments, not wanting to be seen by the nurses.

"Alice?" I bit my lip, waiting for an answer. For all I knew she was asleep. It was nearly 11pm after all. My thoughts were stopped as Alice's voice quietly answered, "yeah?"

I walked in, not sure what I would find. I knew that the room would be almost identical to mine, but as far as Alice went, I had no idea whether she'd be angry I was coming in here or not. I was already nervous enough about what I was going to do. I didn't need her to be angry at me as well.

Alice looked at me, and her face turned very quickly from confusion to concern. I suppose I probably wasn't looking my best.

"Jasper, what's wrong? Sit down." She pointed to the end of her bed. I sat down gingerly.

I looked around the room. It was more than clean. It was spotless. There was nothing at all to be seen, other than the jug and glass of water on the shelf just behind her head. She was hiding something. I knew this cleanliness all too well. She didn't want to arouse suspicion with the nurses, so she kept her room as clean as she possibly could. She had nothing around the room. There was nothing to make it homely.

_She must be here for just the three days as well._

"Jasper, just ask her for the fucking pills already. That's what you want isn't it? Something to get rid of the insane voices..."

I didn't reply to the voice this time. Instead I did what it asked. It was right. All I wanted was to get those pills.

"Do you have those pills still?" I whispered.

x-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------x

Waking the next morning my head was pounding, my body was aching, and I was already feeling like shit. Oh the bright side, the voice hadn't surfaced yet. I didn't get to see the psychiatrist yesterday. Called to an emergency or some shit like that. Either way, it meant I had to see him today. I rolled out of bed, trying to remember what happened last night.

I groaned, and walked to the bathroom. I stood under the freezing stream of water for all of 5 seconds, before drying off and throwing on jeans and a sweater. I couldn't be fucked putting in the effort. I had to attend the damned therapy sessions today. That was effort enough. I walked out of my room, daring a glance at the clock on the wall as I walked past the nurse's station. 5:30am...

_Fuck me..._

I reached into my pocket for my lighter as I opened the sliding door to the cool morning air. I swore to myself as I realised I'd left it in my room. I looked around the courtyard quickly, but no one else was out yet. Letting out a frustrated huff, I turned and walked slowly back to my room, dragging my feet.

"Morning, Jasper" I heard one of the nurses say from the station as I walked back passed. I lifted a hand half heartedly waving to them, without turning back to look at whom it actually was.

I walked a little faster to my room, just wanting to get my fucking lighter and get outside. Was it so much to ask that people left me alone until I'd at least had my first smoke of the day? I let out a frustrated breath as I reached my door. I was about to push it open, when I heard something from Alice's room. It sounded like a sob. I narrowed my eyes, and bit my lip, hoping to god she'd shut up. No such luck. Two consecutive sobs came from her room.

_Oh for fucks sake._

Curiosity got the better of me, and I walked to her door instead, pushing it open. I looked around the room, but saw nothing. I shook my head, thinking I must have been going insane. More so than I already was in any case. She wasn't anywhere in her room to be seen.

I turned and walked out of the room again. I got two steps towards my room before I heard the desperate sob again. I turned back to the room, and walked in again. I closed the door behind me, and waited for a moment. I heard it again, only this time it was more like an agonized breath. I turned behind me, to the bathroom door. I'm sure that's where I had heard it coming from. I knocked on the door.

"Alice?"

I don't know if I sounded concerned or not. I don't even know if I was concerned. No answer came.

"You're insane, Jasper. Just walk away. No one's in there."

Ignoring the voice, I tried the door handle. The door was locked.

"Alice?..." I tried one more time. Still no answer, but I did hear someone move a little inside. I toyed with the idea of getting a nurse. For all of about a second. If she was doing something she wasn't meant to be doing in there, she'd be sent to a locked ward. I wouldn't wish that upon anyone. No matter how little I gave a shit about them. Don't get me wrong. It's not as if I hate the girl. I just don't care about anyone. That's me. I don't care.

"Then why are you trying to get this girl to let you into her bathroom? You're worried about her. So much for not caring, Japer."

"Oh, shut the fuck up!" I spoke to the voice out loud before I had realised what I was doing. I rolled my eyes, and focused my thoughts back on Alice in the bathroom.

"Alice, if you don't open this door, I'm going to do it for you."

I heard another shuffle inside the bathroom, but still, the lock didn't turn, and the door didn't open. The locks for these bathrooms were a simple design. Designed so you could get in quickly from the outside. I grasped the inch wide circle between my index finger and thumb, and turned it. After a few seconds, I got it, and I heard the clicked, letting me know I'd opened it. I pushed the door handle down, and pushed the door open.

There, sitting on the tiled floor, was Alice holding a towel around her torso and her jeans pulled up, obviously in a hurry.

_Maybe she was just getting changed..._

She kept her gaze fixed on the floor, and I was about to turn and walk out again, not sure why on earth I had come in to check on her in the first place. Then I saw it. The piece of...mug? It was thrown into the bin. I looked over Alice quickly, and saw blood seeping through her jeans.

"Shit Alice. How bad are they?"

She looked up at me; fresh tears rolling down her already tear stained face. She bit her lip. That was enough of an answer for me.

I picked up the piece of mug, and drew it quickly across my thumb. I walked out again quickly, and to the nurse's station.

I rang the bell on the desk, waiting for a nurse to come out. Finally, a doctor, not a nurse, came to the desk.

"Um, can I have a couple of bandaids please? I got a paper cut..."

I held up my thumb for the doctor to see. He nodded, and reached under the desk. He handed me two bandaids.

"How'd you manage that?"

I shrugged "no idea."

I took the bandaids from him, and walked away from the desk, back toward Alice's room.

_Fucking idiot doctor._

I walked into the bathroom again.

"Alice, take your jeans off. You're fucking lucky it was me, not a nurse."

I opened the bandaids, and started biting them, and ripping them into 5 smaller shreds, hoping this was enough. Alice took her jeans off. Luckily she was wearing underwear too. She avoided looking at me. She was ashamed.

Looking over her, I saw older cuts, that didn't need me to do anything. The offending cut, the one that was bleeding through her jeans, was about 2 inches long, but it was wide. Luckily it wasn't deep. I took one of the pieces of bandaid, and held the cut together with my fingers, and placed the strip over the middle. I did this again, and again, until 5 small strips of bandaid were holding together the cut. The bleeding was slowing now, and I had embarrassed her enough. I don't know if I felt sorry for her or not.

"Get dressed, Alice" I said, and turned, walking out of the bathroom, taking the piece of mug with me. I didn't know if she had others in there or not, and I wasn't about to go searching her room.

_She's not my fucking responsibility..._

So why did I feel like I had to help her? Maybe it's because she helped me...

**AN – reviews are appreciated.**


	5. Less Mysterious Than You Think

**AN – ok all. We have a new chapter. In this there is another flash back in Alice's POV. You know the drill bold AND italic is the flashback.**

**Go check us out over at the Twilighted forums. Under 'Alternate Universe – All Human', hiding amongst the topics, is a little topic called "Self Medicating – by Emmy1512". I will be giving you all teasers, extra info, and will be taking requests for outtakes! Plus, I am on there 24/7. Well, almost.**

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**Alice's POV**

Therapy is, in essence, the effort to effect an adequate relationship between the ego and the unconscious needs, to bring into awareness their relative positions in respect to each other and to discover the requirements for a continuing cooperative partnership. Therapeutic progress depends upon awareness; in fact the attempt to become more conscious is the therapy.

- Edward Whitmont

Jasper place the bandaids over the gaping cut on my leg. It was awkward. More than that even. I didn't want to look at him. I didn't need to know what he was think about me. I could take a guess. Looking in his eyes, seeing his face. That would confirm all of that for me. I couldn't fathom why he could possibly want to help me either. That's what got me the most. Sure, I gave him the pills, but I didn't expect anything in return. Having him in my room was what brought on this particular series of cuts. It wasn't as if I couldn't be around me. They could even touch me, as long as we weren't in my room. But when a male enters my room. I can't handle that.

Yet there was Jasper, placing bandaids over cuts that were caused by his very presence. And I couldn't fucking figure out why he was doing that.

He turned and left. And I fell back on the floor, crying. I knew that this was getting blood on my shirt. I don't even remember taking my jeans off. I remember him telling me to though. It should have scared me...

_**He pulled the jeans from my body, and started fondling. Trying to get my aroused I suppose. Being fifteen, it wasn't something I was experienced in. He slid a finger into me, and it fucking hurt.**_

_**"Mmm... so tight Al."**_

_**I bit my lip and nodded. Completely at a lose for words. What is a girl meant to say when her first boyfriend is fingering her for the first time and all you feel is a hell of a lot of pain?**_

_**Then he came up, and kissed me. All of a sudden there was a stabbing pain, and I knew then exactly what was happening. And I didn't fucking want that.**_

_**"Hey, Chris. Stop!"**_

_**"Aw but babe. You can't get me all work up and leave me hanging like that." He thrust back in. I wanted to scream, but knew no one would here me. I knew that it was a mistake to spend the night with him, alone at my house. We were a mile away from the nearest house. My parents were out of town for the weekend. So I lay back, and let the tears run down my face as I lost my virginity long before I had planned. To a guy I didn't love. And in a place that I hated more than hell itself.**_

"Are you already Alice?"

_Wait, that never happened...he never asked me if I was ok..._

I realised all of a sudden that that voice wasn't in my memory, and looked up to see Chantelle crouched next to me, a worried looking on her face.

"Um, yeah" I lied, biting my lip "why wouldn't I be?"

"Well, you're sitting on the floor of your bedroom, not answering the door when I knocked. And to top it all off, crying, and not responding when I talk to you..."

"I was just remembering something. It's ok."

"Did you want to talk about it? That's what I'm here for. I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to. Not getting paid enough."

She grinned at me, and I wanted to tell her everything. I don't know why, but I felt as if I trusted her.

"Um. Maybe we can have a chat a little later?" I bit my lip, and I saw her face light up. I couldn't figure out why, but she was obviously EXCITED at the prospect of talking about my shit.

Strange woman...

"You're psychiatrist will be here to see you in a minute by the way Alice. So we don't have to push it today if you don't want to. Unfortunately you do have to see the psych though..."

I nodded, and then realised something.

"It's only 7am..."

"He likes to do early morning visits. Luckily you were already up. He doesn't care if you're asleep or not. He'd wake you up. Hell, he woke me up once. Granted, I was sleeping on the job."

She chuckled, before standing up.

"Ok, you should grab a piece of toast before the doctor gets here to grill you"

My eyes widened at her description of the session. I hadn't heard anything about this psychiatrist yet. Hell, I didn't even know his name.

Chantelle smiled at me again, before walking out of my room. All her smiles seemed genuine. Even at 7 in the morning. Like she actually did like her job. It was almost as if she actually did understand what I was going through.

I shook that thought out of my head quickly though. It was impossible that someone could actually fathom just how much shit I'd been through. If I told them, they'd probably tell me that perhaps I should kill myself. That maybe it would be easier.

I came back to my room 5 minutes later, with a cup of tea, only to have a knock on the door two seconds after closing it. Taking a deep breathe, I opened the door, to see a young doctor, probably early thirties standing in front of me.

"Alice?"

I nodded, and narrowed my eyes at him.

"I'm Dr. Cullen. But you can call me Carlisle. I don't really like being called Dr. Cullen. It sounds so formal. So, would you like to do this in your room, or down in one of the group therapy rooms"

"Group room."

I pushed past him, careful not to touch him, and walked down the corridor to the first group room on my right, just before we got to the dining room. I pushed open the door, and flicked on the light. This room was filled with yoga mats, a lounge, and two chairs. It was obviously used for some sort of physical activity.

I sat on one of the chairs. I felt safer, having the arms of it around my sides. I don't know why, but sitting on the chair, with my knees tucked up to my chest felt safe. The doctor... Carlisle... went to close the door, but before he could I stopped him.

"Don't!"

He looked over at me, and surveyed my facial expression, before nodding, and leaving the door open and going over to sit on the longue.

"Ok, Alice. Why don't we start by you telling me a little bit about yourself?"

"What do you want to know?"

"Did you grow up here, in Biloxi?"

I nodded, answering without speaking. I knew that I couldn't get away with these sorts of answers for long, but I was going to use them for as long as I possibly could. The less I had to talk the better.

"And do you have siblings?"

Another nod.

"Do you speak to them?"

I shook my head this time.

Negatory Dr. 20 Questions.

"Alice are you going to speak to me, or just answer with body language? You'd be amazed at how well I can read your body language you know. In fact, I think you're saying more to me with that than you ever could with words."

I raised an eyebrow at him, to which he responded with a curt nod of his head and continued to talk.

"For example; right now you're holding your knees to your chest, being defensive, at the same time showing me that you're scared of something. Whether it's being her e talking to me, or something more than that that's making you scared, I don't know, and I don't think it's our most pressing issue at the moment. You just started shaking your leg, but you don't seem to be aware of it. I think it's an anxious reflex. You won't make eye contact with me. Which to me means that you think if you do, you might let me know something that you're hiding. I can also tell you've got something you want to tell me. The way you're angling your body towards me rather than away. Most people would see that as a sign of interest in what they're saying. I see it as you wanting desperately to say something. But I don't think even you know what it is that you want to say."

"How the hell do you read body language like that?"

"You're less mysterious than you might think, Alice. And I got you to speak, see?"

I snapped my mouth shut again, and glared at him. I didn't want to tell him anything. I didn't want to be here with him. He was wrong.

***~*o*~***

I sat in the second group room, just off the lounge area of the dining room. I tucked my knees to my chest, my mind running over what Dr. 20 Questions had said. He kept telling me to call him Carlisle. I didn't fucking want to be informal with the arsehole keeping me here. He had said he wanted to keep me for an extra four days, after my three were up. I had convinced him it wasn't necessary by talking after that. I didn't want to be stuck here.

Jasper walked in, and sat down across from me. I could feel his eyes on me, and for some strange reason, I wanted to know what he was thinking. It was killing me being around people who made me want to talk. I couldn't do that. I couldn't put all my shit on everyone else just because I felt able to talk to them. Not only that, but Jasper pissed me off. I don't know why he did. He just infuriated me. There was something about him. Like he was hiding something. And that pissed me off. There was probably something else, but I wasn't about to look into it further. Just in case I didn't like the answer I got. There was something I had to ask him though.

"Why did you help me?"

He looked at me, eyes wide. Apparently he hadn't been expecting me to talk. Hell, I hadn't really been expecting it until 5 seconds before I did.

"What?"

Ok, I'm pretty sure I said it in english.

"Why. Did. You. Help. Me?"

He rolled his eyes at me, and anger surged through my entire being. I wanted to run at him, and punch him where ever I could. Pummel him until he could honestly say he'd never felt so much pain before in his life.

"I heard you the first time. I helped you because I did. There was no reason."

"There was a reason. You wouldn't have helped me if you didn't have some sort of reasoning behind it. So, why?"

He narrowed his eyes at me. I was making him angry, and it was satisfying, in a really fucked up sort of way.

"Because I wanted to. I wanted to help you. I don't know why. It could have been to just shut you up. You were crying pretty fucking loudly. I don't know. Can we just leave it at that? I really don't know why."

I nodded, and started chewing on my lip. Apparently that was another nervous habit. Along with a thousand other things. He was reading to much into things, that's all. I wasn't about to listen to a person who thought they knew even a couple of my problems after ten minutes of observing me.

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**AN – oook. Chapter 5 done and dusted. What you think? Reviews are appreciated. Don't forget, love me at the Twilighted forums too if you want some extra info :)**


	6. The Truth Hidden Lies

**AN – HOLY FUCKING SCHNAPPENN WOWZA! Ok, omg. This story totes got accepted onto Twilighted. I submitted it, totes going out on a limb, thinking it'd be knocked down. But they accepted it. I was like.... see above capitals.**

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed last chapter. This one is longer than the rest. But not too monster-esque.**

**Jasper's POV**

The group therapy session started just moments after Alice and I had our little discussion. It was boring, as per usual. It was called "Learning to be Assertive". I don't fucking need to be assertive. And I most certainly didn't fucking need to be sitting in a group therapy room, pretending to listen to other people ramble about their shit. I spent the hour drawing random patterns on a piece of paper that I stole from behind the nurses' desk. I looked down to see I had drawn an eye. I looked at it, trying to figure out why it looked familiar, and then realised what it was. I glanced up at Alice, who was staring pointlessly out the window behind me.

_Fuck._

I had drawn Alice's eyes. I scrunched up the piece of paper, stood, and stormed out of the room. I had been there for almost the entire hour, they couldn't fucking complain. I went outside, and sat down in my corner. Lighting my cigarette, I leant my head against the brick wall, and closed my eyes. Instead of seeing black, I say her eyes, again. I banged my head against the brick wall, hard. I closed my eyes again, hoping I'd see black. Instead, once again, my eyes were plagued by a see of grey. Her eyes looked like they might be bright blue, if she were happy. But they were lifeless. She could smile, and it never reached her eyes.

_When the fuck did I notice this shit?_

"You've fucking lost it. You're insane. A fucking stalker. Noticing shit about this girl, like that" the voice spoke to me.

"Fuck!" I screamed out, throwing my lighter across the courtyard, before banging my head continuously against the wall, trying to get the fucking image out of my mind.

"You know, you're not going to do anything other than give yourself a concussion by doing that..."

"Oh, just fuck off already! When are you going to learn I don't listen to what you say?!"

"Well now, I'm going to take a wild guess and awesome you're not talking to me, considering I haven't even introduced myself yet..."

_What now?_

I opened my eyes to see that the voice telling that I was going to give myself a concussion was in fact not in my head, rather coming from a young man, probably about mid thirties, no more, looking at me with a small smile on his face.

"Oh, sorry. I thought you were..."

_Great what do I tell him? I thought you were an auditory hallucination determined to get me to listen to it?_

"I thought you were someone else" I said lamely, waiting for him to walk away.

"Evidently. I was reasonably sure you weren't telling me to fuck off yet. I'm Dr. Cullen. Or Carlisle. Either way. I prefer to be informal in here, I find that it helps me connect to the patients better. But it's entirely up to you as to what you wish to call me."

"Ok, Cullen. Now that we're all introduced..." I stood up and started to walk away.

"Well technically you didn't introduce yourself, but I already know you're Jasper. I'm the psychologist here. I was looking for you actually. Your room or the group room?"

I rolled my eyes. Of course the person who witnessed my mini psychological breakdown over Alice's eyes was the psychologist. Then I realised how much shit I was in. This wasn't the same psychiatrist I had had the previous times I was in here, and to be perfectly honest, he didn't seem as clueless and my old one.

"My room is fine" I was used to having nurses and doctors in and out of my room, I wasn't about to be precious about who came in.

We walked to my room in silence, and when we got in, I slumped onto the bed, staring at the ceiling. I let out a sigh, and waited for the session to begin. After five minutes Cullen still hadn't said anything, and I was starting to wonder if he'd died in the chair or something. I dared a peek over to see him looking at me, his hands folded in his lap, looking at me. I raised an eyebrow at me, and he mimicked my action.

"What are you waiting for? You going to shrink my head or not?"

"Actually, I'm waiting for you to say something."

_Ok, what the fuck?_

This was definitely not how most psychologists had worked with me so far. It was usually question after question, and I would give a basic answer. Something generic. Something I knew would get me out of here faster. This was throwing me off and I needed to think about what I was going to say. I wanted to swear at the mother fucker, instead I sat up on the bed, crossed my legs, and reached behind me for my harmonica. I started playing random tunes.

"You know what happens if you say nothing at all Jasper. I know you know that."

He had me there. I did know what would happen if I said nothing. I would either be ordered to stay here for longer, or be transferred to a locked ward, for an indefinite amount of time.

"I don't know what you want me to talk about" it was a good enough excuse. Plus, if he gave me something to talk about, I could bullshit my way through the rest.

"I want you to tell me what you want to talk about. We can talk about anything at all."

I raised an eyebrow.

"Anything?"

He simply nodded, and sat, waiting.

"Why did you become a psychiatrist? You spend 9 hours a day talking to people who lie to you. How is that satisfying?"

Cullen smiled "true, I spend nine hours talking to people who lie sometimes. Not always. But in those lies there's truth, more than you can imagine."

I closed my eyes before talking again,

"So what, you read between the lines? Why not become a kindergarten teacher instead?"

"Because children always tell the truth, or when they lie, they don't have the guts to get away with it. When they get older, that's when they start trying to hide things."

"Why don't you want to ask me a question then? That way I can lie to you, and you can read between the lines and come up with a fucking awesome theory on why I'm as fucked up as I am!"

"That is exactly why, Jasper. What you just said. That is exactly why I don't want to ask questions. Add that to the fact I'm sure you've learnt how to lie superbly over the years that you've been coming in and out of this place."

"So you don't think you could crack me? You don't think you could see through my lies."

Cullen let out a laugh, and shook his head.

"You like to make assumptions, don't you Jasper?"

I turned my head away from him. It was immature, I knew that, but he was frustrating me. What the hell kind of psychiatrist baited his patients like this?

_A really fucking good one?_

"He's not good, you're just weak"

The voice always did choose good times to talk to me. I started thinking, wondering if I should tell Cullen about it. Maybe he had something that would make it go away. I would never have even considered it with anyone else. that was more because I didn't think they'd get it. Cullen did seem pretty switched on.

"There's nothing they can do to get rid of me, Jasper. You haven't managed yet? And how long have you been trying?"

"Years" I answered without thinking.

_Fuck. I wonder if Cullen noticed that._

I looked around to see Cullen looking at me, intrigued.

"Who were you answering Jasper?"

_Shit shit shit shit shit._

I bit my lip, trying to thinking quickly, but I wasn't coming up with any coming up with any answers.

"The voice..." I whispered, knowing that he'd hear me. I wasn't getting out of this one easily.

"And are you going to tell me about the voice? Or am I going to have to start asking questions? I really don't like having to interrogate people who aren't going to answer..."

"I don't know what to tell you about it. It talks to me. I ignore it for the most part. But it knows how to get a reaction out of me."

Cullen nodded, and wrote something down for the first time this entire session.

"How long have you been hearing these voices so far?"

"Just the one voice. And a few years."

"Just the one? That's interesting. Does it always talk about the same thing? Perhaps it says the one sentence over and over again? Or focuses on a central theme?"

Cullen was getting excited now. I could see it in his eyes. He liked this shit. He found me fucking interesting. I wanted to get angry at him, but for some reason I was more inclined to answer him.

"Um, I guess it focuses on making me believe I'm crazy. It doesn't say the same thing all the time. And sometimes it diverges, goes onto another topic, but it never lasts long."

Cullen nodded, and continued to scribble on his piece of paper. He looked up at me after a minute, and surveyed my face before asking "does it go away for extended periods of time? Does something trigger it?"

I had to think about this for a moment. Yes, it went away for hours at a time, when I was on something. But for the most part it was always there, whispering. I could ignore the whispers. When it got loud, that was when it was harder to deal with.

"No, it's there most of the time"

We continued talking about the voice for longer than the session would normally go for, and I found myself actually enjoying being able to tell someone what it was like. I left out a lot of parts, including the drug use. I didn't want them to have another reason to withhold medication from me.

Finally the conversation was coming to an end, and I really, really need a cigarette by this point. I was drained, and wanted to sleep. That wasn't an option though, given that it was eleven in the morning, and sleeping during the day was "frowned upon".

"Jasper, I'm going to recommend something to you, and you don't have to answer right now, and I'm not ordering you to stay, but I think that it would be very beneficial if you were to choose to stay in here after your 3 days is up. I believe that the staff here, including myself, would be able to help you. But it has to be voluntary on your part."

"I can't". I answered automatically. It was true, I couldn't stay here. My father would disown me, and aside from that, I didn't want to be stuck in a psych ward for weeks on end. Who knew when I'd get out if I stayed?

Carlisle stood up and walked toward the door. Before he left he turned to me.

"Just think about it please, Jasper..."

He closed the door softly, and I lay back on my bed, before jumping up, grabbing my packet of smokes, and all but running outside.

I slid the door closed, and went to walk to my corner. _She _was there again. I stood for a moment, trying to decide between going to my corner, with her, or I could go to sit at the table across the courtyard, where three other people sat. I could sit in the middle, but then I'd just look completely stupid.

I sighed, and made my way over to the corner, and sat down. I pulled out a cigarette and lit it with the lighter I now had stashed in the packet. That way I wouldn't forget it. Unfortunately it also meant I'd also smoked nearly half my cigarettes. To get more I'd have to get a nurse to come with me to the store across the road. Not my idea of fun.

Alice stubbed out her cigarette, and looked in her own packet, before closing it, and leaning her head back against the wall with a sigh. I don't know what came over me, but all of a sudden I was holding out my packet to her, and she was lighting a new cigarette with a content look on her face. How she could possibly be content in a place like this was beyond me, but she seemed to be at this very moment. I put it down to the nicotine hit that she thought she was going to have to go without.

We sat in silence for a minute, before I felt Alice move. I looked over to see her now facing toward me, her back against the gate. I looked away quickly, and focused on the garden in front of me. There was a spider's web in the tree, but I was yet to see the spider to go with it. It must have been a big spider, because the web was huge.

"I didn't thank you" Alice suddenly spoke, and I jumped slightly, despite the soft tone.

I turned my head towards her, but made sure to avoid eye contact. There was something about her eyes that scared me. It wasn't the eyes themselves, but it was something I saw in them. I couldn't place my finger on what it was. I cocked my head to the side, waiting for her to continue, and clarify what the fuck she was talking about, because right now I was just fucking confused.

"For helping me... I didn't thank you. Not properly at least..." she trailed off to a murmur, before stopping completely and staring at the ground in front of her as if it were possibly the most interesting thing she had ever laid her eyes on.

"Doesn't matter" I said, before sucking in the last of my cigarette and flicking the butt into the garden.

"Yes it does. You're right, if it was anyone else who had found me, I would have been out of here faster than you can say chips."

I raised my eyebrows and bit down on my lip hard, trying desperately not to laugh.

"Chips?"

"Yes, chips. They taste awesome, and you can say it really fast."

"Mmhmm...." I nodded, before shaking my head incredulously, and looking toward the sky.

This girl had just almost made me laugh. Not a sarcastic laugh, but a real laugh. Something was terribly wrong with that. It scared the crap out of me. In fact, this girl in general scared the crap out of me. I should just get up, walk away, and avoid her for the rest of my time in here, but I felt compelled to stay sitting there, with her, in this corner.

"So you have Doctor 20 Question's too huh?"

"What?"

She was doing really fucking well at confusing me today.

"Doctor 20 Questions, Carlisle, Doctor Cullen. What ever you want to call him."

"Oh, Cullen. Yeah. Why Doctor 20 Questions?"

"He asked a lot of questions..."

"Not to me. Well, until we got started on a topic that I was actually going to talk about."

Alice made an incredulous noise, and threw her cigarette butt that she'd been playing with into the garden. It parallel to mine.

"He barely stopped asking questions for me to answer them when I was talking to him." Alice paused for a moment, before asking "do you know what the time is? I'm starving."

I looked up at the sky for a moment, before looking back to Alice.

"About midday. Lunch should be served soon."

"How did you know what the time was just by looking up at the sky?"

"Well, you can tell by the position of the sun. It's pretty much in the centre of the sky at the moment, see" I pointed to the sun, and Alice looked up.

"Oh. I didn't know that."

"Yeah. My dad is in the air force, he taught me most of the things I know about the outdoors, and all my survival skills. Well, as far as being lost in the bush goes."

"He sounds like a good father"

I scoffed at this, and fought off the memories of all the times my father had beaten me because I had done something wrong, or he'd seen my bare chest, covered in scared and fresh cuts, or the times that I was locked outside of the house for days at a time because I had left a sock on my floor.

"My father was anything but good."

Alice must have sensed the finality in my tone, because all she said was "oh" and then continued to stare at the ground.

After a few minutes of silence, Alice suddenly jumped up off the ground.

"They're serving lunch!"

She all but sprinted toward the door, and slid it open. I let out a small chuckle before following after her. She went from solemn and quiet to hyperactive, and overjoyed in the space of thirty minutes. I started to run through the mental illnesses I knew about trying to figure out what she could possibly have. I was curious about her. I had seen a lot of people with depression, and even though I knew not every case was the same, she just didn't seem to fit the mould. She was unpredictable with her moods. It was like even the smallest thing could change it from completely and utterly depressed, to ecstatic, and apparently angry, from what I had seen in the group room earlier this morning. It was interesting. I was tempted to sneak behind the nurses' desk and find her file. It wouldn't be the first time I'd 'borrowed' a file. Of course I'd never looked at anyone but my one before...

I shook that idea out of my head before stepping toward the serving area.

**AN – ok, hope you liked. Reviews are very much appreciated.**


	7. Darkness

**AN – I'm sorry it's been so long since I updated. I've had some shit happen lately that's made me a little less willing to write until I was in a slightly better state of mind.**

**This chapter is relatively calm, as far as self harm and drug use goes, however I'd still like to warn you that it does contain some, and to use your judgement.**

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**Alice's POV**

I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling, fiddling with the sleeve of my sweat shirt. Glancing out the window I saw the sun starting to set, and the trees being cast into a darkness I was all too familiar with.

Darkness.

People underestimate just how terrifying it can be. You can't see around you. Every noise you hear seems a hundred times louder. Every creak, every shadow, every single little piece of dust lit up by the waxen light of the moon seems like a life threatening demon sent to send me into a panic attack. Darkness is no longer my friend.

I leaned over and flicked the switch, letting the yellow light flood my room. I sighed, and stared out the window. I should get up and close the curtains. I wouldn't be able to do it when it was completely dark outside.

Sliding off the bed I walked over to the window and grabbed the first curtain and pulled it across. I was about to do the same to the second when I noticed I could see over the fence into the courtyard. There, sitting in the corner as always, was Jasper. His blonde hair fell over his face, and his face was buried in his hands. He looked like he was in pain. Something pulled at me, and I wanted to go out there and help him.

Swearing at myself for even considering that, I pulled the second curtain closed violently just as a knock at the door made me jump. I narrowed my eyes at the door, and my heart sped up.

_Calm down, Alice... it's probably just a nurse..._

"Yeah?" I called out timidly, and the door pushed open. Chantelle walked in with a tray of meds in her hand. I looked at it to see that all the cups except mine were empty.

"Hey, Alice. How you doing? How was the talk with Dr. Cullen?"

I took at deep breath and sat on my bed. I had forgotten that I agreed to have a chat with Chantelle.

_I could just ask her to leave..._

I shook that thought out of my head, and smiled meekly at Chantelle.

"It could have been worse, I suppose. He kept asking me questions, like he expected me to know the answer to them."

Chantelle smirked and handed me the meds. I glanced around quickly and realised I had no where to spit them out again with Chantelle in the room.

I bit my lip and looked up at her.

"Do you mind if I take these a little later? After we talk" I mental kicked myself for extending the invitation once again for a conversation "It's just they make me drowsy..."

Chantelle checked her watch and nodded.

"Did you go to any groups today?"

Racking my memory I answered "Yeah... one on being assertive. It was kind of... boring..."

Chantelle sniggered slightly before composing herself.

"Yes. We do get that complaint a bit from patients I've noticed." Chantelle seemed to pause for a moment, as if she were thinking about how to word what was coming. "Dr. Cullen asked me to talk to you... he wants you to stay longer."

I took a sharp breathe and my eyes snapped up to meet hers. Staying wasn't an option. I had to get out of here. I had to... no. I didn't have to do that. I corrected myself as I thought about suicide, which was a step in its own.

"I can't do that..."

"You don't WANT to stay, Alice. I get that. The problem is, you're not thinking about what you need."

I opened my mouth to retort, but closed it again quickly.

_Could she be right? Do I need this?_

Grabbing up the small cup of pills, I said "I'm ready for bed."

Chantelle nodded, and stood up.

"Pills..."

I threw them into my mouth and slid them under my tongue.

"Open."

I opened my mouth and showed her. Chantelle nodded.

"Goodnight, Alice. Don't stay up too long, ok? Those pills do make you drowsy." She walked out of the room, and I spat the pills into my hands before gulping down some water. The taste was truly ineffably disgusting.

I dug my nails into my arm, and ripped up. It didn't give me the same release as cutting, but it was better than nothing.

"Arg!" I jumped off the bed and grabbed my packet of cigarettes, before remembering I had only one left.

"Fuck, shit, fuck!"

Pulling it out of the packet, I through the empty packet into the bin, and stormed out of my room, lighter in hand.

I stormed to the corner of the courtyard and sat next to Jasper wordlessly. His demeanour had changed drastically since the first time he'd sat next to me. He was sitting with his legs crossed, his head lolling back onto the brick wall, staring at the sky.

The well lit courtyard allowed me to see the creases on his forehead though, and he appeared to be worried about something still.

_Well no shit. He's in here too isn't he? He probably just wants to get the hell out._

"I'm scheduled to leave tomorrow evening" I said suddenly, before I could think about what I was saying. Why I was bothering to tell him was beyond me.

Jasper looked over at me, before staring back up at the sky.

"Oh..." he said quietly, and I looked over at him, eyebrows raised. What did he mean "oh"? He seemed almost...surprised... maybe upset?...

As though he sensed me looking at him, he looked over to me again, sighing.

"I'm leaving the day after that. In the morning. 72 hour minimum. Sucks that I had to even stay that long..."

When he spoke the words, my heart constricted with such a force it took my breath away. I felt as if a piece of me had died.

"Doc 20 wants me to stay longer though. He got Chantelle to do his bidding. She was the one who told me. Stupid, huh? I mean, as if I'd want to stay in here." Something compelled me to tell him they wanted me to stay longer. It was almost as though I wanted him to tell me I should stay. Only not in a way that he'd be telling me I was insane. In a way that maybe... maybe he would want me to stay because he wanted to spend time with me.

I shook that idea out of my head and lit my cigarette.

First of all, I didn't care what men thought about me, what they wanted any more. So to think that I wanted Jasper to want me to stay was just plain ridiculous.

Second of all, well, there really was no second of all. I just wish there was. I need more reasons.

"He seems to want everyone to stay. Maybe it's just a money making ploy" Jasper said with a laugh "So you've changed his name to Doc 20 now? I'll admit it is easier on the tongue. Doctor 20 Questions is a bit of a mouthful. Not to mention it's not quite as obvious. Doc 20 could easily be referring to a pair of shoes. Or a wallet. Maybe even a jacket, not that you'd need one with this weather. It's pretty warm at the moment." Jasper was rambling, but I hadn't missed his first comment, about Doc 20 wanting everyone to stay.

"He asked you to stay too huh?"

Jasper looked at me one eyebrow arched, and I immediately started kicking myself for assuming that. For all I knew he could have been talking about talking about a patient.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to pry." I said quietly, taking another drag of my almost forgotten cigarette. I flicked the ash off, and brushed my jeans where an imaginary piece landed.

"No, it's ok. I was just... nothing. Yeah. He asked me to stay. But like you said, there's no reason why someone would want to stay here longer. Right?"

All of a sudden I blurted out "what do we need?" I shook my head, and looked down blushing "damn Chantelle..." I muttered under my breath.

"Well, I know I need something that you have."

My heart skipped a beat, and I looked up at him expectantly, but avoided his eyes. They made me more nervous than I already was.

"What do I have?"

I couldn't figure out for the life of me why my heart wouldn't stop being so damned erratic.

"Pills..."

My heart slowed again, and I dared to make eye contact.

"Oh. Yeah. I have the same as last time," I took a deep breath, deciding to be daring since I'd already made a fool out of myself "why do you take them? I hate them... I don't like not knowing what I'm doing, how I'm feeling. I hate being drowsy..."

Jasper looked at the pond, and threw a stone in, before looking back at me and opening his mouth to speak.

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**AN – your encouragement via reviews really does help me update faster. It's an amazing incentive, and I take every one of them into account when I write. Let's just say it's four am, and I just polished this one off because I felt bad for taking so long ;)**


	8. Circle of Hell

**AN – No, I don't own Twilight. I own a cat, a laptop, I have empty 2 litre bottle of coke, a massive stash of lollipops. Seasons 1 and 3 of House MD and seasons 2 and 3 of NCIS on dvd. A teddy bear and a psycho cat. Twilight, unfortunately, still belongs to Stephanie Meyer, and I can't sell this to pay off my student loan debt.**

**Sorry this chapter took a bit longer than I thought. I wrote it, deleted it all 'cos it was shit, and wrote it all again. I like this version much, much better. I really hope you like it.**

**Usual warnings apply. Themes of self harm and drug use. Graphic in parts. Use your judgement.**

**On with the chapter.**

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Jasper's POV

I spent the night lying awake, thinking about the girl in the room next to mine. She was crying earlier. About what, I couldn't say. I was sure she had hurt herself again. I wasn't one to go in and stop her though. It'd be hypocritical. I do it just as often as she does. My way just isn't always cutting. There are better highs out there. But that's just what the pain was to me, and possibly to her. It was a high. It was a drug to distort the reality that surrounds her. Me. Us. I don't know why this girl, who had eyes that drew me in, was plaguing my mind. The why and how though were irrelevant in this particular moment. Once something is done it can't be undone. It can be altered though...

"Just alter it then. If you don't want it, change it" the voice said as my thoughts faded.

"You're back. If it's so easy why don't you tell me how to change it?" I asked the voice before realising what I was doing.

"Acknowledging me now are we?"

"Only because you seem to know everything. If it's so easy to change it, why don't you just do it? You're just a part of my mind, afterall..."

For the first time in as long as I can remember the voice didn't come back. Everything was silent, and my thoughts were allowed to resume.

Why her eyes though? Why do I always need to look there? Most girls I would take home, fuck, and let them let themselves out in the morning. Only that was a year ago. I hadn't been with anyone in a year... not even a kiss...

Maybe I'm just thinking too much into it. It's the most unnecessary human contact I've had. Maybe I just want that.

Shaking my head, I glanced out the window. I could see the sun starting rise above the horizon and I realised that I hadn't slept at all. The remarkable thing about lack of sleep is that you get to the stage where you just don't feel it anymore. In fact it feels better. Things are dulled out a little bit. Something seems quite so important. Everything is just that little bit funnier than it would be had you slept. Only something was getting past that haze of exhaustion. Alice was leaving today. And for a reason I couldn't put my finger on, I didn't want her to go. I wanted her to stay here, so I could talk to her again tonight. So that I could see her when I wanted to. I knew deep down that it wasn't simply that I had missed human contact. Hell, I hated everyone else still. It wasn't as if I was craving simply to talk to someone, anyone. I wanted to talk to her.

She shouldn't leave anyway... she needed to be in this place as much as I... as much as anyone else.

I froze as I heard someone moving around in Alice's room. Making a snap decision, I ran to my door, flinging it open. Walking quickly to her room, I opened the door, walking in, and shutting it quietly but swiftly behind me.

"You can't leave!" I blurted out before I could change my mind. Alice stared at me for a few moments. I could almost hear the cogs turning in her mind as she glanced to the emergency nurse's button and then back to me again. She was considering throwing me out, but something was stopping her. I waited for her to give me some signal to continue. Eventually she lowered herself into the armchair, and continued to stare at me. Taking that as my cue to continue, I walked to stand a few feet in front of her.

"You need help. I know you don't want to hear that, and I hardly expect you to take into account anything I saw. But you do. You can't keep hurting yourself whenever you can't cope with something. You can't ignore the fact that you fucking cry yourself to sleep, or the fact that you do anything to avoid talking to people. Since I seem to be the only person in hear you seem to take the time to talk to, which, by the way, I don't fucking get, I want you to listen to me, and fucking stay. Get the help you need," I stopped, and watched the fury smoulder in her eyes. I could've sworn I saw a glint of red for a moment.

"That is the most hypocritical thing I have heard in my entire life," she snarled in a deadly tone "if I needed someone to control me, I'd ask".

I paused, unsure of what to say. Yeah, I suppose it was hypocritical. I suppose I had no right to tell her she should stay when I had every intention of leaving tomorrow morning.

"No it's not," I lied. I mentally crossed my fingers, hoping to god she couldn't see through me.

"Jasper, get out. You have no right to be in here. If you don't leave, I'll make you leave," she threatened, and I knew she wasn't joking. She had her hand over the button next to her. Nodding, I turned to leave the room, but as I was opening the door, I stopped.

"You know I'm right..." I stepped out and closed the door behind me. Sighing, I glanced up and down the corridor, trying to decide what to do now. I could try to get some sleep, but I knew that it was a pointless effort. Like the fourth circle of hell, where the sinful are condemned to useless labour. Or perhaps it was simply that I was reaching for something constantly out of reach.

_Similar to other aspects of your life at the moment..._

"Great," I muttered to myself. Now I wasn't just talking to an imaginary voice, I was talking to myself with no excuse. I patted the pocket of my jeans to feel the packet of cigarettes. I was desperately low, but craving one too badly.

Reaching the dining room, I emptied two sachets of instant coffee into a mug, and filled it with instant not-quite-boiling-water. The shit they use so that patients don't burn themselves. Putting in enough sugar to send someone into a hyperglycaemic coma, I splashed in a bit of milk, and carried the mug outside to the empty courtyard. It was coming up on 7am. People were probably starting to stir, so I wouldn't be alone for long.

Claiming my corner, I sat down and opened the packet. Looking inside, a string of profanities left my mouth as I realised I only had 2 left. I'd be out before the first group therapy session started. Pulling one out of the packet, I lit it, sucking in a deep puff that sat in my lungs for a few moments before puffing it back out again. I'm not sure it's the nicotine that calms me down. I think it's the process of breathing slowly in and out, keeping my mind on what the cigarette looks like when it's burning, what the smoke feels like as it enters my lungs, what it looks like when I blow it back out again. Keeping myself in that moment; keeping my concentration on one particular act for long enough to realise what's happening. That's what calms me down.

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"People have different coping mechanisms. Some people will turn to drugs and alcohol, others to sex, some to self harm. Some people will turn to a mixture. Why do we do what we do?" Katy, a psychologist from a different ward in the same hospital, was taking this group. It was after lunch, and I hadn't seen Alice since I left her room this morning except for one moment when I saw her run frantically to her room.

Now I was sitting in the chair Alice was in yesterday. Alice was sitting by the door, diagonally opposite to me. I could see her foot tapping a million miles an hour on the floor. She was picking at her stitches on her wrist. They were uncovered. This was the first time that I had seen her without a long sleeve shirt on in public. She was anxious. More so than I had seen her before.

She muttered something that I couldn't hear. Katy turned to Alice, smiling gently.

"What was that?"

"Because that's all we know..." she said a little louder this time, making the three other people in the room turn to look at her. She was right. At least it was for me. That was all I knew. Taking the drugs I could get my hands on, cutting my chest and letting it sting. They were the only things that made the voice, and the emotional pain subside.

"Very good. Sometimes these coping mechanisms are all people know. But they're not all that is out there," Katy turned to the board to write something. My eyes wandered to seek Alice's, but they were fixed on the floor. Alice's hands were shaking. Not just her hands; her entire body. I'm sure that was the most that the other people in this room had heard her say.

All of a sudden Alice shot out of her chair and ran out the open door. My eyes followed after her in shock, and before I could register what I was doing, I was out of my chair too, walking after her. Before I could catch up though she had rounded the corner to the nurse's station and I heard the bell ring twice. I walked up the corner, and waited. Alice was tapping her fingers on the desk, and looking around almost panicky. Chantelle came up to the desk, and Alice starting crying.

I watched from behind the corner as Alice talked to Chantelle, who was standing behind the nurse's station. I knew this was wrong, but I couldn't help it.

"I think..." Alice stopped to wipe the tears falling from her eyes and flooding down her cheeks "I know. I need help. Chantelle, I need you to help me..." Alice fell to the ground, my eyes seeing it in slow motion. Chantelle rushed around the desk to kneel next to her. Unable to see what was happening, I started to panic. Running out from my hiding spot, I got to where Alice was now sitting.

"I'm fine, sorry. My legs just gave way I suppose..." Alice said quietly to Chantelle. Alice glanced up at me.

"Sorry... I just thought... never mind..." I muttered, turning around and walking to my room. Opening the door to my room, I walked in and looked around. I had my bag on my bed, packed and ready to go the next morning. Something about it sitting there made me dread leaving a little bit. I pushed that side away though, telling myself that I was just feeling comfortable here, and that if I didn't go, then it would just make me attached to something.

Attachment, when you're someone like me, never was a good thing.

I got my stuff out for a shower, but just as I went to open the door to the bathroom door, there was a knock on the door. Sighing, I threw my clothes in the corner and opened the door to Dr. Cullen.

Rolling my eyes, I stepped aside to let him in.

_Right, the final check up._

"Jasper, how are you going today?" he asked, making himself comfortable in the arm chair next to the window.

"Just dandy," I retorted sarcastically, letting my Texan accent drip from my voice.

Cullen smirked, and scribbled something on a piece of paper.

"Ok, so not so great then? Care to fill me in?"

"Not particularly," I sighed, knowing I probably would tell him what I was thinking anyway.

"Ok then, what would you like to talk about today?" Cullen asked, looking up at me. I raised an eyebrow at him. He was the one who came in to talk to me.

"You look like something's on your mind," Cullen said, crossing his legs and angling his body toward me.

_Trying to show he's interested in what I say. Like I care._ I scoffed, earning a raised eyebrow from Cullen.

"I ran out of smokes this morning. I'm pissed off, that's all..." I lied. Sure, I had run out of cigarettes, so that wasn't a lie. I was pissed off about it because Alice had a new pack, and I'd been avoiding her all day, so I couldn't bum one from her. But that wasn't all that was on my mind. Cullen obviously saw through it, because he just stared at me, as if he was waiting for more.

When I didn't say anything else, he nodded, and leant back in his chair, putting his feet up so they rested on the end of my bed. I looked down at them, and then back up at his face.

"You're waiting for me to talk?"

Carlisle nodded, and folded his arms across his chest.

_Mature._

I sighed, and lay back against the wall behind the bed, wishing I had my guitar. I began running through songs in my head, trying to figure out the chords to match the music. I had gotten half way through "I Hate Everything About You" by Three Days Grace when I decided I might as well just talk to him.

"Hypothetically, say I wanted to stay. What would happen?"

Carlisle's eyes widened, obviously not buying my 'hypothetically'. "We'd go through the paper work, figure out a treatment plan, stick by that, and see where it takes you. In your particular case, I wouldn't set a release date," He said quickly, looking at me, almost hopefully.

"And say there would be people who didn't want me to stay. Would you, or someone else on the staff here, be able to talk to them... and if they still didn't like it, keep them away?"

Carlisle nodded, seeming to understand that there was someone I didn't want to come in. "We would prefer you contacted the person first, to try to talk about it. If that doesn't work, then someone here could intervene. And yes, by all means, we could prohibit someone from entering the premisis..." Carlisle tapped his pen on the edge of the arm chair, looking deep in thought. "Do you want to stay, Jasper?"

_Do I?_

"I don't know. Maybe...."

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**AN – I AM COHOSTING A CONTEST! It is an Alice/Jasper smut contest. We want you to enter, because seriously, your shit is probably better than our shit (hell, I know you probably eat healthier - dood, I know. Too far). We don't want to read our smut again. We wrote it! So for details on that, visit our profile. We are "The Peenaters". You can find that link right at the top of my profile.**

**Please review, I love the shit out of them. Feed the addiction :D**


	9. Help Me To Stay

**AN – I am cohosting a smut writing contest. The link to the details is at the top of my profile.**

**Here is the new chapter. I hope you all like. Please review at the end. I love them. ****This chapter is dedicated to thelamblovesthelion (there are dots between each word and at the end but FF hates them).**

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_The hardest thing you can do is smile when you are ill, in pain, or depressed.  
But this no cost remedy is a necessary first half step if you are to start the road to recovery._

_~ Allen Klein_

**Alice's POV**

After Jasper's speech... or rant.... or psychotic break.... after whatever the hell that was this morning, I couldn't stop thinking about it. What if he was right? Oh hell, I knew he was right. I just wasn't ready to accept it. So I spent my day doing what I would normal do, trying desperately to get my mind off it.

It wasn't until the group that I lost it.

That fucking group... I don't even remember what we were talking about. I just remember spilling my soul in front of everyone. "Because that's all we know..." In five words I had let everyone in that room know more about me than I had ever wanted anyone to know. After that I remember suddenly feeling dizzy, nauseous, and I found myself running. I ran out of the room, down the corridor, and slowing to pace in front of the nurse's desk. After a moment my hand reached itself out and hit the bell. Chantelle walked out of the office to see me trembling. My entire body was weak. I would've run if I could. Instead I opened my mouth to speak.

"I think..." I paused to catch my breath and wipe the tears from my cheeks. "I know. I need help. Chantelle, I need you to help me..." My legs gave way suddenly, and I felt myself fall to the ground. Chantelle appeared in front of me, kneeling down and asking if I was ok. But I was distracted by something else. Out of nowhere, Jasper had run up to me, and was now standing before me, looking down with worry in his eyes Snapping out of it, I turned back to Chantelle and said "I'm fine, sorry. My legs just gave way I suppose..."

"Sorry... I just thought... never mind," Jasper muttered before he turned his back and walked quickly, almost running, up the hallway.

_That was weird..._

"Are you able to get up, Alice?" Chantelle asked with concern in her voice. I nodded, and slowly lifted myself off the ground. Chantelle smiled at me.

"Would you like to have this conversation in your room?" I nodded again, and started walking toward my room. I saw Dr. Cullen knock on Jasper's door, and then disappear into his room. A few seconds later Chantelle and I entered my room. Taking a seat on my bed, I pulled my legs up, hugging my knees to my chest.

"I don't know what to do anymore, Chantelle. Everything I thought about myself seems to be a lie. It's as if I'm just the body, and my consciousness is a completely separate entity that controls me, but I have no control over it." I took a deep breath and started to fiddle with a piece of paper that I had left on my bed from earlier. "I feel all these things; pain, sadness, anger, sometimes even happiness. But I don't know why I'm feeling them. Well, sometimes I know why I'm sad. Sometimes even why I'm happy. But the anger comes out over the smallest of things. "

"How are you feeling at the moment?" Chantelle asked.

"Um... anxious, I suppose." I shrugged.

"Why are you anxious?"

_I don't know. Why am I anxious? Because I want to ask for help?_

"I think it's because I'm having this discussion. I think because I want to ask for your help..." I trailed of, not sure what to say. I kept running through what I should be saying in my mind. Nothing seemed right though.

"What can I help you with then?" Chantelle asked. I knew she was trying to get me to open up.

"I think that... I think maybe..." I couldn't get what I wanted out, and I felt myself starting to tear up again.

"You know what, Alice. You've been in here for nearly 3 days straight. Would you like to come for a walk to the kiosk with me? Maybe we can talk on the way."

I looked over to Chantelle, who was smiling gently at me.

I nodded, and smiled back sadly. "I do need to get more cigarettes. I was hoping I could get some lollipops too." I laughed a little. Lollipops were my secret addiction. If I didn't have something in my mouth I tended to chew my tongue. And that could get painful as hell after a while. "How much money did my mother leave here?" I knew that I only had about fifteen dollars in my wallet.

"I don't know exactly. I can have a look in the safe for you." Chantelle stood up, and I did the same. Grabbing my wallet from the cupboard, I followed Chantelle to the nurse's station. "I'll be back in a second."

When Chantelle came back out she handed me a $20 note. "She left this." Chantelle smiled at me. "You just have to write in this book here that you're going out." She pointed to the book and pen on the desk. After filling it out, we made our way out the front doors.

"God it feels good to get out of there," I said quietly.

Chantelle chuckled a bit. "I bet it does."

"I think I want to stay a bit longer though..." I finally got out what I had wanted to say. Chantelle stopped and looked at me. I stopped too, but avoided eye contact.

"Oh, Alice. That's excellent. Why did you change your mind?"

"Um... I was just thinking about it. I think I need help. I just... I'm not used to asking for it."

"Well, when we get back, we'll have to talk to Dr. Cullen. But I don't think he'll have a problem with it. We'll also have to sort out a treatment plan for you. I imagine you'll have to attend most of the groups. That's just a requirement for nearly every patient." Chantelle turned the corner and entered the main building. "We can talk about it more when we get back."

We walked into the kiosk, and I grabbed as many lollipops as I could carry. Taking them up to the counter, Chantelle grabbed a candy bar and smiling sheepishly.

"We all have our addictions." She paid for her candy, and I placed mine on the counter.

"And a pack of Benson and Hedges Smooth, please." I grabbed my ID out of my wallet before the pimply boy could ask for it. After I paid for that, Chantelle and I made our way back to the ward slowly. I think she could tell I was enjoying the feel of the sun on my skin as I walked.

When we finally got back to the ward, I signed the book, saying that I had returned, and Chantelle and I made our way back to my room.

"If you want to go do something for a while Alice, I'll go talk to Dr. Cullen. I think he just finished with a patient. Then the three of us will sort out everything we need to."

Nodding, I grabbed the new packet of cigarettes, and made my way out to the courtyard. Jasper was sitting in the corner fiddling aimlessly with a piece of bark from the tree. He wasn't smoking, and I didn't know why. I fought with myself for a minute before deciding to sit near the pond. Still close to Jasper, but not close enough that he'd feel under obligation to start a conversation.

I lowered myself to the ground, and faced the pond, watching a solitary duck float around. I felt myself empathise with the duck, as crazy as it was.

_But that's why I'm in here isn't it?_ I shook my head at nothing before grabbing a cigarette out of the packet. I reached down to my pockets.

"Fuck..." I swore under my breath, realising I didn't have my lighter with me. I went to stand up, but just as I did I saw a pair of feet next to me, and a hand holding out a lighter.

"Here," Jasper's familiar accent drawled at me. I took it hesitantly from his hand, and lit my cigarette. Noticing he didn't even have a packet with him, I held out my smokes for him to take one. He sat down next to me, and lit his cigarette.

"Thanks..." he said quietly.

"Yeah... you too..."

We sat in silence for about five minutes, both of us finishing our cigarettes, and lighting another.

"I saw Dr. 20 go into your room earlier. How was that?" I broke the silence with a mundane question.

"Interesting." He answered flatly, with no trace of interest in his voice.

"Why?"

"I'm staying," he said. My heart leapt, and I felt my jaw drop. I turned toward him, searching for any hint of dishonesty in his eyes.

"You are?" I asked softly. I hadn't expected that. I thought that after our little argument this morning, he would be out of here the moment he could. I wasn't sure what to think of it. Was it that I had such a little impact on him? That he really couldn't care less what I had said? Would that upset me? Or was it that my retort to his pointing out of the facts made him realise he really did need to say? Or was I just over thinking the entire thing.

Jasper nodded at me. "Yes."

"Wow...."

"How'd your talk with Chantelle go?" Jasper looked down at the ground.

"About the same..."

"Oh... so what time are you leaving?"

"I'm not..." I whispered, finding the courage to look at Jasper.

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**AN – there you go. *smiles sweetly* Please review.**


	10. Give Me A Reason

**AN – Kirmit rocks for pushing me to get this out.**

**Usual disclaimers apply. Drug use, self harm, inappropriate themes for minors. Please use your judgement as far as reading this goes.**

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**Jasper's POV**

"Oh... so what time are you leaving?" I asked, for some reason upset at the thought of Alice leaving. Maybe it's because I'd found someone I felt comfortable around in this place. Maybe it was more. I didn't really know the reason, but it didn't change how I felt.

Alice finally answered me, "I'm not..." she whispered, looking over at me. My heart leapt through my throat, and I found myself unable to speak. I opened and closed my mouth a few times, trying to get words out. After a few minutes, I realised I wasn't going to form a coherent sentence, and settled with saying "oh."

Alice looked away and I realised my silence must've upset her somehow.

"Why are you staying, Alice?" I managed to get out. The moment Alice's head snapped up, her eyes locked with mine, and anger flashed across her face, I realised it was the wrong thing to say.

"Because I'm want to." With that Alice got up and walked inside, slamming the sliding door behind her. Shaking my head, I ran over why she could possibly be pissed off at me. All did was take an interest in her reasoning behind staying here. Unless there's something huge that she doesn't want to tell me, I couldn't think of anything. Shrugging, I decided it's probably better not to dwell on it. Standing up, I brushed off my jeans, and walked inside. If I was going to be here, I was going to get smokes. I'd be fucked if I was going without nicotine.

The rest of the afternoon passed slowly. I went to the shops with Chantelle to get some more smokes. I slept for a bit. I convinced Cullen to prescribe me some sleeping tablets for that night. And now I was making my way out to the dining room for dinner, not sure if I should expect Alice there. Sure enough, I walked in, scanned the room, and found it empty of Alice's. I walked up to the serving area, and glanced at the food, and nearly gagged. The meat looked like it had been cooked, dried, and reheated.

"Uh, can I just have some pumpkin and beans?" I asked the lady serving us.

"Nothing else?"

I shook my head, and took the plate from her. "Room 16. Jasper," I said, and I watched as she marked my name off the list indicating the people who were to eat. I wasn't about to let her make a mistake and make me eat this shit twice. I sat down at the table farthest from any of the other patients, and force the mush they called pumpkin down my throat, and then managed to swallow the beans that had been cooked for so long they'd turned a scary colour of grey. I didn't want to eat this, and I knew I was probably making myself sick. But I also knew there was a nurse sitting in the dining room making sure everyone ate what they were given. It was like being back in primary school again. I hated it.

I heard soft voices making their way down the hallway, and turned my head slightly to see Chantelle enter the dining room with Alice. Alice looked like crap, to put it bluntly. One look at her and I could see she'd been crying, and not just normal crying. She'd been bawling her fucking eyes out. Her hair was sticking up at all angles, and looked like she'd been pulling at it. Alice was shaking, and Chantelle had an arm wrapped comfortingly around her shoulders.

I watched as Alice pointed mutely to different items, and Chantelle told the kitchen lady what to put on the plate. Chantelle whispered something to the lady. The lady (I really need to learn her name) disappeared, and then came back a moment later with a tub of what looked like Jello in her hand. She placed it on Alice's tray with a soft smile. Alice nodded, and Chantelle picked up the tray. I was expecting them to sit down in the dining room, but they made their way toward to exit again. As Alice walked by Chantelle, I watched her. Slowly, Alice's head turned, and I found myself locking eyes with her.

What I saw there broke my heart. Pain, fear, anger, but most of all, hate. Alice snapped her head back again, looking down at the floor as she walked quickly out of the dining room, Chantelle by her side the enter time.

_What the hell was that?_

"You know what that was. You've scared her. You've hurt her. Just like you hurt everyone else."

"But I didn't do _anything!_" I hissed at the voice. I didn't care at the moment if it seemed insane. I needed someone to talk to. If that was just another piece of my psyche, so be it.

"Think about it. You told her to stay. Then when she does, you act... indifferent. Like it never mattered to you."

_But she's not staying just for me is she..._ I tried to think to myself before I realised that the voice knew what I was thinking anyway.

"Not entirely. But partly. And look. See what you've done now. You made her think you cared. You can't care about anyone, Jasper."

"Shut up! I do care!" I screamed out, grabbing my head before I knew what I was doing.

Within seconds the nurse in the dining room had jumped up and pressed the emergency nurses button, and run over to me. She had grabbed my hands and pulled them from where they were tugging at my hair.

"Get away from me!" I screamed at her, trying to free my hands from her grip. A male nurse came up to me, and took my hands from her. I tried to push him off me, but he had my hands pinned together, making my arms effectively immobile. I tried to stand from my chair and kick at him, but as I tried to stand, I found myself being pushed back down by a pair of hands belonging to someone standing behind me.

"I said GET OFF ME!" I screamed again, pushing with more force, managing to get the male nurse to move back a few inches. His grip on my hands remained though.

Cullen came up to me, and was talking to me, but didn't hear a word he was saying. What I did hear though was him turn to the nurse and say with a resigned sigh "give him the Diazepam..."

I felt a sharp pain in my shoulder, and the room started to spin. I tried to ask what they were doing to me, but my words came out in a jumble of mumbled slurs. The light of the room started getting brighter, and I shut my eyes to block it out. I could still hear the mumbles of patients and staff alike, but couldn't decipher any of the words. Quickly, everything started to go black, and I gave up trying to fight it. I let myself slip into the darkness that engulfed me.

I lay not awake, but not asleep for a period of time that I couldn't possibly tell. I was aware that I was carried somewhere, but I couldn't tell you where. All I knew was that people were coming in and out of the room.

Eventually the fog started to lift, and I managed to pry my eyes open. Looking around, I narrowed my eyes as they landed on Dr. Cullen, who was sitting in... the seat by the window? Which meant I was in my room? Why aren't I in a different hospital?

"Because I wasn't going to transfer you without talking to you about it..." Dr. Cullen answered the question before I realised I had asked it. "How are you feeling, Jasper?"

My hand instinctively went to my shoulder, and I flinched when I touched it.

"Yes, that's going to hurt for a while. I'm sorry we had to do that." Cullen stood and walked over to the bed. "Do you mind if I have a look at your shoulder?"

I shook my head, and Cullen pulled my shirt back a little.

"It's bruised, but I think it is ok. You're not bleeding, so that's good." Cullen sat back down, and wrote something on his damned pad of paper. "What about other than that?"

"Fine, I suppose," I answered. "I'm still a little bit groggy."

"That should wear off soon. You've been out of it for about four hours now."

"What's the time?!" I couldn't believe it had been four hours. It hadn't felt like that long at all.

Cullen checked his watched. "Nearly 10:30p.m." he said smiling.

"Why aren't you home?"

"Because a patient went into crisis today and I wanted to be there when he woke up."

I rolled my eyes at his answer. He could've just said "because you went crazy and tried to hurt the nurses, now we're going to ship you off to a locked ward."

"So what happened today, Jasper?" Cullen leaned forward and looked at me intently. "Chantelle said she saw you eating in the dining room. Although you looked a bit distracted, she said you didn't look too bad."

"I don't know... honestly I don't. It was like I was talking to the voice, and then all of a sudden nothing made sense. He said something... that upset me. And then I had to get him out. I had to get it out of my head."

Cullen nodded, "What was it that it said to upset you?"

I took a deep breath. I could lie. I could tell him it was about my dad. Or maybe I could make up some shit about my childhood. But what would be the point of that? Eventually he'd realise I was lying. Then we'd have to go through this again.

"He said I was incapable of caring about anyone."

Cullen sat back in his seat, and surveyed my face. "And do you believe the voice?"

"You already know the answer to that. You know what I yelled in the dining room."

"True..." Cullen tapped his pen on the side of the armchair. "I still want to hear it from you though."

"No. I don't believe it." I sighed. "But at the same time, I must believe it, somewhere inside. Otherwise the voice wouldn't say that."

"Maybe. But it's what you know you believe that matters, Jasper."

I nodded. I needed to know something though. "Am I being moved to another ward?"

Cullen looked at me. And then back down at his notes. He sighed.

"I really don't want to do that to you, but you're going to have to give me a reason for you to stay here. What you did today, we're not properly equipped to deal with that. You may have noticed we don't have security guards."

I felt my heart sink. I didn't want to leave.

"So why do you think you should be allowed to stay?"

"Because I don't want to leave! For the first time in my life I have wanted to get help. I don't think I'm going to be able to get that somewhere else. I think that it's here and now, or it's never."

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AN – please review.


	11. Revelations

**AN - *headdesk* have I ever mentioned I am made of pure fail? I apologise for the wait on this chapter. But I didn't want to write something as filler, because... well... I just don't like doing that.**

**Thanks to Kirmit for giving me the incentive to write the damned chapter, as well as everyone who has reviewed so far.**

**Drugs, self-harm etc. Etc. Not pretty. If you're mummy or daddy would get pissed at you for reading this because of your age, please don't. If you think it's going to be triggering for you, please don't. Hell, I love readers, but I don't want them at the expense of their safety.**

**Don't own Twilight, poor as fuck.**

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**Alice's POV**

The walk inside after telling Jasper hurt, but not nearly as much as his apparent indifference to me staying. I didn't know what I had expected, and in all honesty, I knew I shouldn't have expected anything. I'd known the guy 72 hours, but for some reason I felt as though he was a part of me already. I suppose that's what I get for getting attached to someone.

When I got to my room, I sunk down the wall and sat there, willing myself to cry. I needed to get it out, but the tears never came. I stood up angrily and walked over to the bed, throwing the mattress off. Feeling a little bit of relief, I decided to do something more. I grabbed one of the lighter chairs, and threw it against the bed frame. I went to pick up the other chair just as there was a knock on the door. Panic ran through me as I looked around the room. I didn't know the rules, but I'm pretty sure not trashing the room would be an unwritten one.

After a few moments of willing whoever it was to go away, the door pushed open, and I heard Chantelle's voice, "Alice?"

"Um... I'm in here..."

Chantelle pushed the door further open, obviously taking my acknowledgement of my presence as an invitation to enter. As she entered I saw her take in the mess that was now my room, shock passed over her face briefly, quickly followed by... understanding? It was my turn to be shocked. Surely she should be angry about this...

"Ok, sweetie. First off, we're cleaning this up. And then it seems we need to have a chat."

I nodded my consent, and went to pick up the chair. Placing it back next to the desk, I bent down to help Chantelle lift the mattress back onto the bed. We spent the next few minutes in silence, putting everything in the room back to its original place.

Finally, with everything back in its place, Chantelle turned to look at me. "So, would you like to tell me why you suddenly hated the mattress and chair?"

I looked down at my feet, and felt the tears that I'd been begging for before start to make an appearance.

_No, not now. I don't want to cry now..._

"Um... it's just... I was thinking about some things... and I got... upset. But I couldn't cry. So I got angry. And I threw the mattress off the bed... that made me feel a little better, so the chair feel victim..."

Chantelle nodded. "Do you feel much better now?"

I thought about it for a minute. "I do, actually. I feel a bit silly for acting out like that. It's not something I would normally do... but the anger and upset at that particular... stressor... is a lot easier to cope with than it was before."

"If you feel better now, you have no reason to feel silly. It's a lot better than hurting someone else, or yourself." Chantelle paused, as if she were trying to decide what to say. "So, would you like to talk about the reason for this, or would you like me to tell you why I came in to begin with?"

"The latter," I answered automatically. I didn't want to tell Chantelle I had formed what I thought was a friendship with another patient, and then try to figure out why I was so upset when said friend didn't want to talk about the intimate details of their emotional issues with me.

_God I'm pathetic..._

"Okay. Well, are you up to telling me a little bit about your past?"

My heart started racing, and my breathing picked up. "Um... I could try..."

Chantelle smiled encouragingly at me. "Well, I was wondering, when would you say the first time you were depressed is?"

I thought about it for a moment. I knew I was depressed before... before I was raped. I wouldn't say I was suicidal before that though. I composed myself for a moment before answering, "I suppose when I was 13 or 14, and my parents split up..." Chantelle nodded and moved a little, shuffling so she was sitting on the bed in front of me, rather than on the chairs. Like she was showing she was a friend, rather than just a counsellor. It made me feel a little more at ease, but at the same time it brought up new insecurities.

"So you say you were depressed then, did you partake in any... self damaging activities then? Drugs, sex, self harm..."

I shook my head. "I didn't start self harming until I was about 15 and a half... 16 maybe. And I've never done drugs." Ok, so that was a bit of a lie. I'd abused my prescription drugs occasionally, but only in an attempt to end all of this crap.

"Do you remember why you started self harming?"

_Yes._

I took a deep breathe. I hadn't shared this information with a counsellor of any sort before. I don't know why, but I _wanted_ to tell Chantelle what had happened. "It's a really long story... but the gist of it... my boyfriend... first boyfriend... when I was about 15... I went over to his house. And everything was fine... but then... he... he hurt me..." I found myself unable to say he had raped me. Saying it out loud meant telling the world I was weak enough to let that happen to me.

"Alice..." Chantelle reached out to place her hand over my own. "Did he rape you?"

My breath hitched, and the tears that had welled up spilt over. There was nothing I could do to stop the flood of tears and sobs that ripped through my body. I nodded, feeling my body shiver. I pulled my legs up to my chest and pulled my hand away from Chantelle's, wrapping my arms around my legs. Chantelle must've known better than to reach out to touch me in comfort. It would do nothing but aggravate my state. Instead she sat there with me as I cried, not saying anything, just making sure I knew there was someone with me as I cried this out. Eventually the tears slowed, and I hiccupped.

"Would you like a glass of water?"

I shook my head. "No... No I'm okay. I'd like to be alone for a little bit now, if you don't mind."

Chantelle looking over me quickly before nodding. "Okay, well I won't be far away if you need to talk."

I smiled meekly at her, and waited for her to leave the room. As soon as the door shut I jumped off the bed and grabbed a piece of broken mug from in my cupboard that Jasper had missed that day and walked into the bathroom. I ripped my clothes from the body and turned the shower on as hot as it would go. I cursed the shower head when it wouldn't go hot enough to burn me.

I leaned against the cold tiled wall and let tears slid down my cheeks again. I held out my arm and lifted the hand with the shard of ceramic in it. With a sob I brought my hand down quickly, slicing along my arm, watching as the skin split open and blood began to run down my arm. I repeated the process, a gain and again, until my forearm was covered in new cuts.

I sighed gently, feeling relief, but also panicked. I turned off the water, and brought a towel up to the cuts, pressing down gently, trying to get the blood to stop. Pulling the towel away I saw the cuts still gaping, blood continuing to trickle down my arm. I wrapped the towel around my arms quickly, and threw a top over my head, sliding into my jeans. I opened the bathroom door looked around quickly.

_Fuck._

There was nothing in the room that I could use to close the cuts. My eyes fell on the emergency nurse's call button, and I knew it was my only choice. My hand slid down the wall until it was resting over it, and I pushed in, hearing it buzz and a ding down the hallway. I heard voices, followed by quick footsteps toward my door. The door was pushed open and Chantelle walked in. Her eyes narrowed in worry as she looked at me standing against the wall. Her eyes fell to my arm, still wrapped in a towel.

"Oh, no. Alice, sit down. What have you done?"

"I didn't mean to... Not this badly... It was just meant to help. I'm sorry," I rambled out my apologies.

"Alice, sit down, please. Take slow, deep breathes. It's okay..."

I did as she said, and when I looked down again I saw that Chantelle had nearly finished unwrapping the towel from my arm. She couldn't contain the gasp when she saw it.

"Okay." Chantelle placed the towel over it again. "Come with me, and keep that covered as you're walking down the hallways."

I nodded and stood, slightly light headed as I followed her. After a minute we came to a room with a sign saying "Treatment Room". Chantelle slid her key in and turned the handle, pushing the door open. She grabbed gloves and a couple of small hand towels.

"Okay, lift your arm up for a moment." I did as she said, and she slid the hand towels underneath my arm. With her gloved hands, she gently lowered my arm onto the towels. She used her fingers to pull at the cuts, making me wince slightly. She looked at me quickly, before returning her gaze to the cuts. She picked up a small plastic vial of clear liquid and popped the top off.

"This is going to sting a bit..." she said before pouring the liquid over my cuts. I hissed in pain and the liquid stung for a few moments. "I'm going to but a few sterile strips over these to hold them together temporarily, but I'm going to have to call the resident doctor here, okay? You need sutchers, and I can't do that myself." She smiled wryly. I nodded, and Chantelle began working over the cuts. I found my mind wandering to memories I'd prefer to forget.

_**

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**_

"_**Mary Alice! What are you doing?" I heard my sister's voice from the doorway of the room, but couldn't bring myself to look at her. I dropped the blade and picked up my sheet off the bed, trying to cover up my shame. I didn't want my sister to see this. I didn't want her to know how weak I was.**_

"_**Nothing," I replied lamely, hoping it would satisfy her, and she would leave. Instead she began to walk toward me and tried to rip the sheet from my arm.**_

"_**I can't believe you would be so stupid! What if mom found you! I can't believe this."**_

_**My sister threw her hands and the air and turned to walk away in anger.**_

"_**This is why I didn't tell..." I whispered, more to myself than her. It was to my surprise when she turned around, her face contorted in anger and pain.**_

"_**What did you say?" she asked her voice dangerously low.**_

"_**I said this is why I never told you!" I yelled at her, unable to contain my upset and her lack of understanding. "I knew you would never understand, never TRY to understand." My voice had dropped again, and I was glaring at my sister. Tears welled up in my eyes as she went to walk out the door.**_

"_**You're wrong, Alice," she whispered before shutting the door behind her.**_

_**

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**_

"Okay, that's my part done." A voice pulled me out of my memory, and my head shot up to see Chantelle looking at me intently.

"Sorry what did you say?" I asked.

Chantelle laughed gently. "I said that I had finished putting sterile strips on them, and I'll have to go call the doctor now. You would've had a Tetnus shot when you were admitted, so you don't have to have that."

I nodded.

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The doctor had come and gave me the sutches, all the while giving me a dirty look, as though this meant I was contaminated with the plague. Eventually he was finished, and my entire forearm was numb from the anaesthetic. Chantelle walked with me to my room to get my smokes, and then we went and sat in the staff courtyard while I had a smoke and she told me all of the dangers that came with smoking. I'm not sure why, but the light banter made me feel a little better.

After my third cigarette, Chantelle looked at her watch. "It's time to go to dinner, Alice."

I bit my lip. I didn't want to sit in the dining room with everyone else. "Would I be able to eat in my room tonight, please?" I asked, looking at Chantelle, silently begging her to say yes.

After a moment she nodded and stood with me, walking to the kitchen. We chatted lightly on our way down the hallway. When we made it to the dining room I could feel his presence. My body turned automatically and my eyes caught sight of Jasper sitting in the far corner alone, looking at me. I turned away again quickly, not wanting Jasper to see me looking at him.

"What did you want for dinner?" Chantelle asked, holding her hand out toward the food. I looked at it.

"Overcooked meat, or overcooked vegetables... the choice is astounding," I quipped sarcastically. Chantelle gave me a pointed look and I sighed. "I don't mind. Just the roast and some vegetables I suppose."

Chantelle put the plates of food on my plate and grabbed me a plastic cup filled with apple juice. As we walked out of the room, I dared a glance at Jasper to see him fisting his hands in his hair, muttering to himself. I wanted to go over and comfort him. Instead I followed Chantelle back down to my room.

After setting me up with my food, Chantelle turned to talk to me, "I have to go take care of something else, but if you need anything, you know how to get a hold of me."

I smiled and nodded.

After a few minutes of trying to force my food down, I gave up and settled for drinking the juice. I stood up and picked up the tray, deciding to return it to the dining room and go outside for a cigarette.

As I neared the dining room I heard a commotion and hurried my steps. I turned the corner and stopped in my tracks as I saw Jasper surrounded by nurses, screaming at them to let go of him. Doctor Cullen rushed past me and toward Jasper. He was talking to him calmly. I felt like I was stuck in my place as I watched a nurse pull out a syringe and stabbed Jasper in the shoulder. Jasper's words started to slur before he quickly became unconscious. I hazarded a guess that that was some sort of sedative. I watched as the nurses helped each other pick up Jasper's limp form and carry him past me.

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Hours passed and there was still no sign of Jasper emerging from his room. I left my door open, just in case. Around 10p.m. I heard muffled voices coming from Jasper's room. I strained my hearing, trying desperately to figure out what they were saying. After ten minutes I gave up and slumped back against the frame of my bed. Another hour passed, and I heard Jasper's door open, and then close again. I stood up from my spot on the floor against the bed, and paced around impatiently, trying to decide what I wanted to do.

I was worried about Jasper, and my curiosity made me want to know what had happened to Jasper. I walked to the door and opened it in time to see Jasper walking down the hallway and into the dining room. I gave it a moment before I followed his steps. When I made it to the dining room again, I couldn't see Jasper anywhere. I walked toward the door, and saw Jasper in the corner of the courtyard.

I opened the door and let my body walk where it most wanted; to Jasper.

I sat next to him and kept my eyes forward as I spoke. "Are you okay?" I bit my lip as I waited for his answer.

"I don't know..." his voice was filled with pain and sadness. It broke my heart to hear him so upset. Confusion ripped through my body. I shouldn't be so upset knowing he was hurting, but I was.

I turned my body so that I was facing him. I reached my hand out slowly, touching his hand. When he didn't pull his hand away, I let my fingers wrap around his, giving his hand a gentle squeeze.

"What happened, Jasper?" I had to ask. I was tired of knowing nothing about him. I needed to know a little bit about him.

Jasper shook his head. "You don't want to know that, Alice. You really don't."

I scoffed. "Yes, I do. Sometimes it helps to tell a friend."

_Corny. Besides, when did he become a friend?_

"I just... it's a really long story." Jasper closed his eyes, but not before a solitary tear slid from its confines and down his cheek.

"I'm willing to take the time to listen."

"I... I have paranoid schizophrenia..." Jasper started. "Do you know what that is?"

I nodded. "Hallucinations, often auditory, that focuses around paranoid delusions." I remembered learning about this in senior year psychology.

Jasper nodded again. "Well... this afternoon, The Voice, as I've named it, was telling me..." he stumbled on his words. I squeezed his hand again, and this time Jasper squeezed it back. "It was telling me that I was incapable of caring about people, and that's why I'm alone."

"Oh, Jasper..." I said quietly.

"I... I started to argue with it." He scoffed. "That's pretty insane, huh? But I suppose that's why I'm here."

I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say.

"I got angry. I didn't know who was who. I thought that the nurses who were trying to calm me were against me too..." Jasper hung his head.

Acting on impulse I shuffled closer to him and wrapped my arms around him. Jasper froze, and I was about to pull back when I felt his arms come up and wrap around me. His face fell to my shoulder, and my face was buried against his neck. My heart started to race. I hadn't had this much contact with a male in months. Never in a way that I cared about them. This scared me. This... was so different.

Jasper pulled away after a minute, his arms still around me. His eyes searched in mine, for what I'm not sure. I don't know what came over me, but I leaned forward and lifted my hand to brush against his cheek. There were just inches between us, and I just had to lean forward a tiny bit...

Leaning in, I felt his almost non-existent breath against my face. I brushed my lips against his. I felt a jolt of warmth pulse through my body at the contact. Not wanting to lose that warmth, I pressed my lips against his again. Every logical thought had flown from my mind. Jasper's lips pressed back gently against mine. I parted my lips ever so slightly, leaning even closer to him.

Jasper's body froze, and he pulled back from me in alarm. My mind started to race again.

_Oh god. What have you done? You kissed someone you barely even know. Now he's going think you're some kind of slut. Well maybe I am..._

"Alice..." Jasper started, pulling away from me.

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**AN – UHOH!! Review please. *giggle***


	12. Shame

**AN – okay, I know I completely suck at updating. I'm sorry. Life has been crazy. But here's a chapter for you. I hope you like it :) This one's got a bit of Jasper/Alice talking and admitting things, so read carefully.**

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Alice's kiss made my lips tingle, as ridiculous as that sounds. I didn't want her to stop, but at the same time my mind was yelling a thousand different things to me.

_Kiss her back! Push her away! Tell her how you feel!_

I did what I was used to… I did what my natural instinct was. I pushed her away.

"Alice," I started, as I pushed her gently, disconnecting her lips from mine.

I looked up to see her eyes filled with unshed tears. Her pain was obvious when she was left this vulnerable. Her eyes soon became guarded again though, and she shuffled back away from me. My world immediately felt colder without her by my side. I reached out to touch her arm, to try and reassure her that I just wanted to talk about what was happening. But it's not possible to reassure someone of something, when you don't believe it yourself. Truth is I was just too fucking scared of everything. She made me feel calm; she made the fear go away. And that fucking scared me.

Alice stood and looked at me briefly. Sighing, she wiped a tear that fell down her cheek. She took one step. One turned into two. Two to three. And before long, she was inside, out of my sight. I let my head fall into my hands and I sat there. I don't know how long I sat. I don't know if I said anything, or if anyone came out to check on me. All I know is that my mind went blank. For an undefined amount of time, I was utterly and completely lost.

When I came back to reality, or as close to reality as my world gets, it was raining. Not just raining. It was absolutely pouring down. I jumped up and ran to the sliding door. Once I was near the door, I was underneath the shade cover. I took a moment to shake the water out of my hair, and take of my shoes. Once that was done, I picked up my shoes and walked inside. Everyone was in bed still. I took a quick look at the clock on the wall near the dining area. It was nearly 4am. I had been sitting out there alone for at least 5 hours. I was surprised that the nurses hadn't come to get me in. I suppose they were just trying to give me a little space to think and get everything together after my little snap.

Sighing, I flicked the switch on the kettle provided for patient use, and pulled a cup from the cupboard. I grabbed two sachets of hot chocolate powder, and poured them into the cup, quickly followed by the freshly boiled water. I took a sip and hissed as it burnt my tongue. Shaking my head, I opened the fridge, and pulled out some milk to go in it.

Once I was fully satisfied that I wasn't about to burn my tongue off, I made my way with the cup of hot chocolate to my room. I placed the cup on the ledge above my bed, and started to peel the still wet clothes from my body. I threw them into the bathroom, deciding I'd have to see if I could use the washing machine tomorrow.

_Great, I have to interact with people even more..._

I pulled a clean, dry, shirt over my head, and slipped on a pair of sweatpants. I sat down on the bed again, and took another sip of hot chocolate. I sighed again, and ran my hands through my untamed blonde hair. I placed the now empty cup back up on the shelf, and lay my head down on the pillow. I wasn't tired, and knew that I wouldn't fall asleep, but I needed a little bit of rest if I were to face another day in this place.

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The morning had passed without anything of consequence happening. Now approaching noon, I was starting to wonder where Alice might be. She hadn't been in the morning sessions, but I supposed that she had a reason. Now she was no where to be seen as the few people other people staying at this place started to mingle in the dining room. Meal times were the only thing that kept some people sane. Imagine the irony of that. A place that's supposed to fix all your mental problems, boring people into insanity. But that's the reality of it. You hang onto what you can to keep you going through each day. For a lot of people, simply the routine of getting up, going to group sessions, eating, going to group sessions, seeing their therapist, and then dinner and bed, was enough to keep them going. Sometimes it helped them recover. Sometimes all people need is a routine. Unfortunately it's not the same way with me. I need more than that. I just wish I knew exactly what it was that I needed.

But I've gone off topic slightly. Alice was no where to be seen, and that worried me a little bit. It shouldn't... I knew that. But it did. I turned to look down the hallway toward my room, and hers. There was no one to see in the hallway, no sign of movement... Shaking my head, I decided to go see if she was okay. I took the steps to her door, trying to clear my mind of all the possible scenarios. I could open that door and find something terrible...

I stopped outside her door. I contemplated knocking for a moment, but decided that even if she was in there, she probably wouldn't respond to me knocking. I pushed the door open and scanned the room for a moment. At first I couldn't see her. I was just about to turn and walk out again before I saw her sitting in the corner near the desk, staring blankly out the window, her legs pulled to her chest. Even from a distance, it was clear she'd been crying. Her eyes were red and puffy, her hair was a complete mess, and her cheeks were tear stained. I stepped inside the room a little further, and closed it behind me. She still didn't move. Not even to see who it was who had just come into her room. I walked closer to her, stopping a few feet away.

"Alice?" I said gently, trying to get her attention. I saw her blink, but she said nothing back, continuing to stare out the window. I stepped again, and sat down next to her. "Alice, please..." This time she turned her head toward me, her eyes emotionless now. Completely blank. My heart broke at the look on her face. Was this my fault?

I didn't know what to do. I knew that I wanted to tell her why I stopped her kissing me. But that was to ease my own conscience. I didn't know if it would make her feel any better. But surely it was better than sitting there and saying nothing? So I began to talk. To tell her everything I could.

"I'm sorry... I know that I shouldn't have reacted the way I did. I know that you think that I didn't like you kissing me... I did... That's why I pulled away. I was scared. I don't remember the last time I enjoyed the presence of another person. I've been living... No... Existing... Alone for so long now, that I'm not used to... this... I don't even know what this is... I'm not used to caring for someone. And I care for you Alice. I really do. I know that's stupid too, because I barely even know you. But since that day that I found you in the bathroom, all bloody, and so obviously hurting... I wanted nothing more than to make it all better. To make you believe that one day it was going to be okay..."

Alice released her legs, letting them fall gently to the floor so that she was sitting cross-legged. She still didn't say anything to me, but it was a start.

"I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I wouldn't be completely averse to you kissing me again..."

Alice finally opened her mouth to speak. "And what if it's not that that I'm upset about. What if it's something completely different. What then?"

"Then..." I paused for a moment. "Then I will stay here, with you, until you feel like talking about it. When you do, I'll listen."

Alice looked at me skeptically. It was obvious that she didn't believe me, but I suppose I didn't expect her to, right off the bat. Especially after my reaction yesterday. But I was telling the truth. I wanted to know her, to help her. I wanted to be there for her when I could.

"Look, I know you probably don't believe me."

Alice shook her head. "I don't. I want to. But I... can't..."

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**AN – whatcha think? Reviews are loved.**


	13. Extraordinary Girl

**AN – Not much to say. Thanks for reviews. Can I get a fuck-yeah for such a quick update?**

**Usual warnings. Self harm – yada yada. Seriously though, if you're this far now, you should already know that. Please, for the love of chocolate ice cream, don't read if this will have a negative affect on you.**

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**_Previously:_**

_Alice finally opened her mouth to speak. "And what if it's not that that I'm upset about. What if it's something completely different? What then?"_

_"Then..." I paused for a moment. "Then I will stay here, with you, until you feel like talking about it. When you do, I'll listen."_

_Alice looked at me skeptically. It was obvious that she didn't believe me, but I suppose I didn't expect her to, right off the bat. Especially after my reaction yesterday. But I was telling the truth. I wanted to know her, to help her. I wanted to be there for her when I could._

_"Look, I know you probably don't believe me."_

_Alice shook her head. "I don't. I want to. But I... can't..."_

**Alice's POV**

I trailed off. I didn't even know what I was saying. I couldn't what? Couldn't trust him? Couldn't believe he'd stick around just to hear me talk? Couldn't kiss him again? Or maybe I just couldn't bring myself to regret kissing him in the first place, and just want to do it again. And again and again and again…

_Fuck_.

"You can't what?" Jasper was obviously trying to mask his emotions. His face gave nothing away, but his voice betrayed him. He faltered a little as he talked. It sounded almost as if he was choking back tears. But maybe that was just my mind tricking me, forcing me into believing what I wanted to hear.

"I don't know… I'm just confused. You… I… It's just a confusing situation."

Jasper let out a laugh, making me look at him and glare a little. I thought he was laughing at me. "It is a confusing situation, isn't it?" Still glaring at him, I nodded slowly.

Jasper's hand reached out to touch mine. My heart skipped a beat as our skin made contact. "Alice…" He said nothing else, but leant in. My mind started to race. Was this what I wanted? Did I want to kiss him again? The last kiss could easily be called a mistake. Two kisses indicated something more…

_Alice, shut up and just kiss him! _The other part of my mind was screaming at me. I leant in, and closed my eyes. I could feel his breath on my lips, just like last night. I prepared myself for the contact, completely unsure of what to expect this time.

Just as I went to close the last few centimetres between us, there was a knock on the door. Jasper jumped back, and I ripped my hand from his.

"Fuck…" he muttered as he scuttled back, putting a good two feet between us before the door opened. I looked up as the door swung open to see Chantelle standing there, looking confused.

"Oh… There you are, Jasper… Oh well, that doesn't matter anymore. Alice, are you in the mood for a visitor?"

I narrowed my eyes slightly in suspicion. "Who is it?"

Chantelle smiled at me gently, "Just your mother," she said, as if that were supposed to calm me down.

"Oh…" I didn't know what to say. I knew that I should see my mother, but I really wasn't in the mood for the false praise about how she's _so proud of me for getting the help I need._ I sighed. "Um… I suppose. Can you give me five minutes to get ready to see her?"

Chantelle nodded. "Sure, I'll just let her know you'll be out soon, and ask her to wait in the dining room, okay?"

I nodded in return and stood as Chantelle walked out of the room. I looked at Jasper, who was still sitting with his back against my bed. "Erm… well I suppose I'll see you later today?"

Jasper stood up. I noticed for the first time just how much taller than me he was. He stood at least a foot and a half above me. It was slightly intimidating. "Yup," he said curtly, and walked to the door. He paused before he walked out. "Oh, and Alice?" I turned my head to look in his direction. "I'll be out in the courtyard, or in my room when you finish."

I was about to ask if that was an invitation to come see him after, but he'd left and closed the door before I got a chance. "Fucking…" I sighed as I walked to the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror. I was a mess. I couldn't believe Jasper wanted to kiss me when I looked like this. My cheeks were tearstained, my eyes were still red, and my hair was… there are no words to describe how horrible my hair was. I ripped my clothes off, and turned the shower on. I stepped under the stream and washed myself quickly. I decided my hair didn't need shampooing, so I turned around to turn the shower off. After drying myself, I quickly threw on a pair of clean sweatpants and a t-shirt, before brushing out my hair and checking myself over in the mirror once more.

"Now or never…" I muttered to myself as I turned and walked out of the bathroom, out of my room, and down the corridor to the room where my mother would be. I paused just before the dining room, and took a deep breath.

_You can do it, Alice._

I took one more step, and found myself in the dining room, staring directly at my mother. She took a good look at me, as she does, and stepped forward, enveloping me in her arms. "Oh thank Christ you're alright," she murmured in my hair. I stood there awkwardly. Do I hug her back? Do I pull away? Should I say something? In just a few days, what relationship I had had with my mother seemed to slip away completely. Now some stranger in the body of my mother was hugging me, and I felt awkward.

"I'm fine, Mom," I said as I took as step back. I took a moment to take another breath, trying to calm myself and think of what to say. "Why don't we go sit outside?" I asked.

Mom nodded and I started walked toward the door. Stepping outside, I saw Jasper in the corner. I turned to my left and walked toward the tables and chairs that were currently unoccupied.

"So, Mary Alice. The nurses said I might be able to take you out tomorrow for a coffee or a bit of shopping."

I froze. I wasn't ready to go out yet, even for just a day. The last time I had walked across the road to the kiosk was daunting enough. I just couldn't deal with huge crowds yet. Or maybe it was just that I was daunted this time by the idea of spending so much time with my mother. She'd never been a stranger, per se, but we're not as close as we used to be. But at the same time my mother seemed so excited at the prospect of spending time with me. I knew that I had to let her down, I just wanted to do it as gently as I could. "Mom… I'd really like to… I just… I don't think I'm ready for that yet…" I didn't know how to explain it to her, or if she'd understand even if I did explain it better.

She nodded. I could see the hurt in her eyes. "Maybe you could just come in here and spend an hour with me tomorrow as well?" I asked her this just as I saw Jasper stand, and walk inside out of the corner of my eye. I suddenly felt so much more exposed to my mother without someone else in the courtyard with me. Mom smiled a little, making me feel a bit better about disappointing her.

"I might just do that, if you don't mind."

The edges of my lips pulled up into a small smile.

My mother sighed, and I knew the serious part of our conversation was coming. It always started like this.

"Mary Alice…" Mom paused and took a deep breath, allowing me a moment to brace myself. "What happened to you? You used to be such a happy child. You were brilliant! You always had friends coming around, you were laughing and smiling, playing. And then it all suddenly stopped… what happened?"

I froze. All this time I'd thought my mother just hadn't noticed the changes in me. But apparently she had, and that left me vulnerable. How much else did she already know or suspect?

"Mom, I don't know… I don't know why I'm like this, okay? I just am. I'm just fucked up."

"Mary Alice! You are not! And don't use such terrible language!" I almost laughed at my mother's chastising. She'd always hated how much I swore, she'd always tried to make me stop.

"Right, sorry." I ran my hand through my hair. "I suppose I didn't realise just how much I was hurting until it was too late either… by the time I realised, it was like everything was already set in stone. I'd distanced myself from my friends; I'd stopped doing well at school. I just didn't care anymore…" I trailed off. I didn't know why it was so easy for me to tell my mother all of this all of a sudden. It just seemed to flow from my mouth, like I was on autopilot. I wasn't telling her with any emotion. It was as though I was simply recalling a series of events that happened to someone else. Something I saw on television. I was making myself complete detached to the entire situation so that someone else could feel as though they were a part of it.

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My mother left a little over an hour later, with the promise that she would return tomorrow. I didn't know whether to believe her or not, but for some reason it made me feel almost happy, like I had something to look forward to, thinking that she was telling the truth and that she'd be back tomorrow. It wasn't enough though. The compulsion to hurt myself was pulsing through my veins. I needed to feel myself hurt on the outside and watch the blood drip. I all but ran back to my room, pulling a shard of broken mug from my cupboard, I walked more calmly into my bathroom. I closed the door, feeling composed, knowing that I'd get to feel something soon, something to match how much I _wasn't_ hurting on the inside. I knew I should be hurting. But I felt _nothing_. I felt completely numb.

I didn't even turn on the shower, I simply shed my clothing, and placed the sharp side of the ceramic on the skin of my leg, and ripped it across. The pain filled my body, my head fell back on the tiles, and I closed my eyes for a moment. When I opened them, I looked down at my leg and smiled as I saw the blood trickle gently down my thigh and splash softly onto the tiles. I watched it for a bit longer before grabbing some tissue to clean myself up.

Not long after I was walking down the corridor toward the dining room. I desperately needed a coffee and a cigarette. I made my coffee and went to walk out into the courtyard. The sun was starting to set, and I could see Jasper in the corner, as usual. I smiled to myself, and found myself actually being a tiny bit happy to see him. I walked over, and sat down in my usual spot, ready to sit in silence until dinner. Just as I sat though, I saw him turn toward me, glancing around the courtyard as he did so. When I placed my coffee on the ground, I turned toward him. He lifted his hand up quickly, and placed it on the side of my face.

"Alice?" his voice sounded conflicted. I nodded. "I'm going to kiss you. This is your chance to pull away." I stayed there, and waiting, butterflies filled my stomach as I watched his lips slowly move closer to mine, until finally, the touched gently. I paused, waiting for him to pull away again. He didn't, instead he pressed his lips harder against mine. I brought my hand up to touch his face, just as his was mine. Jasper pulled away before I did, but kept his face close to mine. "Unless we want an audience, we shouldn't continue this out here."

I nodded slightly. I wasn't sure on the rules, but was pretty sure that they wouldn't condone relationships… if that's what this was… between two patients.

"So… that was pretty okay…" I said with a small shy smile.

"I thought it was more than pretty okay," Jasper said, pretending to be offended.

I rolled my eyes playfully, trying hard not to laugh. I couldn't remember the last time I'd been playful with someone. I found myself enjoying just relaxing for a moment. "I suppose you're right. It was fucking awesome."

Jasper let out a bellow of a laugh. "It was quite, wasn't it?" He leant back against the brick wall again, but this time let his hand fall to be on top of mine. I smiled to myself gently. There were a few definite perks to being in here now.

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_She sees the mirror of herself_

_An image she wants to sell_

_To anyone willing to buy_

_He steals the image in her kiss_

_From her hearts apocalypse_

_From the one called whatsername_

_She's all alone again_

_Wiping the tears from her eyes_

_Some days he feels like dying_

_She gets so sick of crying_

**_Extraordinary Girl ~ Greenday_**

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**AN – oh, they kissed properly. Woot.**

**I was wondering… do people want teasers for the coming chapter and such? Just PM me or review if you do, k? Nighty night all! Warm bed and snuggles are calling.**


	14. Author's Note Sorry

Hi everyone. I know people have been PMing me, and asking when I'm going to update. I'm sorry I haven't replied or posted anything in ages but I just haven't had the time and when I have I've lost inspiration. I will be writing more of Leave Out All The Rest and Self Medicating, but unfortunately I will have to delete the rest of my stories. I hope to repost one day but having so many going at one time is overwhelming and not conducive to me getting inspiration. I have chosen to finish those two stories for the following reasons:

Leave out All The Rest is the most popular, and I have so many readers who love it, it's unfair to people who have followed me this far to just up and leave it.

Self Medicating is close to me, and a great source for me to write and vent my frustration on crappy days.

I will post this message not only on my profile but on all stories. I hope everyone understands and I really really am sorry for being MIA for so long.

Emmy xx


	15. The Price to Pay

**AN – After some issues getting into Jasper mode (I've been far too happy lately to write anything for him) I finally found two songs that help me out. So these are officially Jasper's songs. They are the two featured at the beginning and end of the chapter. They should both be on youtube if you're interested.**

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_**Well the clock's heart it hangs inside its open chest with hands **_

_**stretched towards the calendar hanging itself **_

_**but I will not weep for those dying days. **_

_**For all the ones who've left there's a few that stayed. **_

_**And they found me here and pulled me from the grass where I was laid.**_

-The Calendar Hangs Itself

Bright Eyes

It's weird how sometimes you think everything is wrong. And yet somethings are jsut so right. What are you supposed to do when you feel a connection to someone you know that you probably shouldn't? Do you walk away? Or do you stay where you are and try to pretend for as long as possible that this isn't going to get you in trouble? That this isn't going to end up... hurting?

I mulled over the past few hours as I lay in bed, trying to try to sleep. I couldn't brinkg myself to close my eyes, just in case the next time I opened them this turned out to be just a dream. Before I did that I needed to decide if I wanted it to be just a dream, or if I wanted this to be more. Alice was a great girl. I liked her, a lot. But how was I supposed to maintain a relationship with someone in here? I'm a nutter for christ sakes, surely she'd realise that sooner or later... And then what would happen? She'd leave me? Or would she stay around out of pity. I know that she has problems, but she has a chance to move on if she tries to. I think I'm past that stage sometimes. I think that sometimes there is no hope left for me in this world. All I'm clinging onto is the hope that I can dull the pain... dull the suffering until I finally figure out how I'm going to end my time here.

I know that Alice would disagree with me. She's just that kind of girl. She would try to convince me that there is still a chance for me to work through this. That there is still a chance for me to have a real life. But she's just naive. What has she seen of the world?

_You dick, she's seen just a much as you have..._ My own mind fought itself again.

I huffed at myself, and rolled over, closing my eyes. _Just sleep, Jasper. Maybe in the morning you won't be thinking like suck a fucking idiot._ My mind had the right idea, but my body was determined to keep me awake. I opened my eyes and looked out the window. It was dark, but I could tell it was about midnight from the shadows the trees were making.

I swung my legs out of the bed and walked into my bathroom. Turning the shower on to as hot as it would go, I stripped out of my clothes and threw them outside the bathroom door as I swung it shut and flicked the lock. I stepped under the stream and rain my hands threw my hair. My thoughts travelled to Alice once more, only this time I was wondering what she was doing? Was she in bed, sleeping? Or maybe she was lying awake like I was just before... What's she wearing?

_Jasper you creep._

She's beautiful... her big eyes and her petite little body. I can imagine running my hands through her dark hair. I bet it would be so soft. I couldn't help it. I found myself getting hard at the thought of her. I was disgusted with myself, and yet I knew that I need to fix it. I leaned on hand against the wall and grabbed my cocked and started stroking gently, imagining that it was her hand touching me. I started to move my hand faster and roughly. I tried to hold myself back but I couldn't help it as my cock twitched and I found myself coming. I grunted, softly muttering Alice's name.

I soon came back to reality, feeling disgusted with myself. I get that it's normal to... have urges and all, but this poor girl is with me in a psych ward. I'd only just started to talk to her properly, and we've kissed once...

I washed myself off quickly, trying to get the water hot enough to hurt a little, but only finding myself cursing at the stupid hot water system. Of course it was set so that it couldn't get too hot in a psych ward.

"Fuck it," I muttered as I turned off the shower and grabbed a towel from the other side of the room. I wrapped it around my waist, not even bothering to dry myself off. I unlocked the bathroom door and stepped out onto the carpet, too preoccupied by my hair dripping onto the floor to notice there was someone sitting on my bed.

When I looked up I jumped back a little. I didn't expect to see Alice sitting there. I felt blood rush to my face. I hoped to god that she hadn't been in the room when I was imagining her... well... I just hope she hadn't been in there long. She blushed too and looked away a bit. I couldn't figure out why for a moment then I realised I was wearing nearly nothing.

"Oh, sorry." I grabbed a pair of jeans and a shirt and turned back to the bathroom. "I'll be back in a moment. Don't move..."

_Please for the love of God don't go anywhere._

I threw on my clothes quickly, only drying myself enough for the clothes to actually go on my body. I couldn't help my anxiety as I thought of Alice sitting on my bed. I had another chance to not fuck it up. After the kiss this afternoon it could go either way. I rain my fingers through my hair, flicking the excess water onto the floor as I took a deep breathe and stepped out of the bathroom again. Alice was still sitting on the bed in exactly the same position, still as a statue.

"I didn't move," she said coyly as I heard her take a deep breath. I smiled at her. Even though she was only wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt, she looked so beautiful.

"Good. Sorry about that before by the way. I didn't realise anyone was going to be in here when I came out of the shower. Considering it's midnight and all."

"Well, actually it's about 1am now... and I missed..." Alice stopped in the middle of her sentence. Was she about to say she missed me? "I was bored..." she said suddenly.

I nodded at her and sat down against my pillow. "So you were bored... and I'm more interesting?" I raised an eyebrow at her, making her giggle a little bit.

"Yeah, pretty much." She played with a strand of her hair a little bit.

"You know... we would probably get in trouble if any of the nurses came in here now," I pointed out to her.

Her smile faded and her hands dropped to her lap. "Oh... yeah I should probably go..."

"No!" I jumped up a little bit and grabbed her hand as she tried to stand up. "I didn't mean that I wanted you to go... I just meant that we should probably have a story to tell them if they ask why you're in here. Otherwise... well I'd hate for them to send us to different wards." I covered my tracks quickly. I would never want to get rid of her, nor would I want her to think that. As wrong as it is, she is the only thing keeping me relatively sane in this place.

Alice and I spent the rest of the night lying on my bed talking. Chantelle came in to check on us twice. We just told her that neither of us could sleep. She seemed to accept that but warned us to keep it down or we'd have to go to our own rooms. Other than that no one had said or done anything. As the sun was coming up we found ourselves actually laughing. I didn't know why, maybe it was just us being overtired, but I felt almost happy. I felt as though no matter what would happen, for this moment I was just carefree.

The morning passed without a hitch, lunch came and went. I went to my therapy sessions, and Alice went to hers. I even talked to my psychiatrist for a good half an hour. I mean, I actually talked to him. About how I was feeling, about how I was going in here. I even mentioned my friendship with Alice. He didn't ask too many questions about it. I think he could tell that that was still something I was slightly defensive over. Perhaps it's because I didn't know where Alice and I stood. It was a grey area for me. Other than that the day had gone smoothly.

That was up until just before dinner. A nurse I'd never seen before came to tell Alice that she had a visitor. Alice stood up and went with her. I didn't mind, I'd just go outside and smoke. I waited for an hour or so, and still I didn't see Alice. I went inside, and came back out about half an hour later. Alice was sitting in our corner with a man about the same age as me with dark hair. I went to walk inside and give them some privacy when something in the corner of my eye made my heart skip a beat. I turned around just in time to see the dark hair guy press his lips to Alice's. I turned around and walked inside quickly.

Making my way to the nurses station, I keep replaying the scene in my head. I didn't know what Alice and I were, but for some reason I felt betrayed. I wanted to scream. I managed to compose myself enough to sign out to go for a walk. Once I got outside I ran into the forest behind the ward. I don't know how long I ran for, but by the time I turned around all I could see were trees.

I sat on a log lying on the ground and looked around me. If I was in a better state of mind, this place might have been beautiful. But right now everything looked ugly. The trees were hideous deformed beings.

_I knew she'd hurt you_ the voice told me.

"I should've listened to you," I muttered softly.

_**And I just can't look its killing me  
And taking control  
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea  
Swimming through sick lullabies  
Choking on your alibis  
But it's just the price I pay  
Destiny is calling me  
Open up my eager eyes  
'Cause I'm Mr Brightside**_

_****__- Mr Brightside_

_****__The Killers

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**AN – Please review. Next chapter is Alice's point of view. Don't jump to conclusions too quickly.**


	16. Ungrieved and Unforgiven Hurts

**AN –okay, so I know that it's been ages since I updated. Sorry about that, but here it is. A huge thank you goes out to my best friend, Meilzdoggg01, who took the time to read this over and tell me what she thought and try her best to fix my many many grammatical and spelling errors.**

**Previously:**

_JPOV_

_I sat on a log lying on the ground and looked around me. If I was in a better state of mind, this place might have been beautiful. But right now everything looked ugly. The trees were hideous deformed beings._

I knew she'd hurt you_the voice told me._

_"I should've listened to you," I muttered softly._

**Alice's POV**

_**Depression is nourished by a lifetime of ungrieved and unforgiven hurts.  
-Anon**_

Spending the night with Jasper was amazing. Even though I barely touched him all evening, I felt close to him. Being with him was easy. I was even laughing. I had nearly forgotten what it was like to be happy. Even though it didn't last forever, and even though I knew that each high would have a down, I decided to go with it.

The night didn't last forever though, and as day broke, we went our own ways. I got an hour or two of sleep before getting up and going to eat something.

My sessions passed uneventfully. I stayed quiet most of the time. My meds came, I took them. Well, most of them. I saved the Seroquel. I didn't know why though. I guess I thought that maybe Jasper could use them to keep him calm. I think the word for me is "enabler".

I was sitting with Jasper, in relative silence, when a nurse approached up to tell me that I had a visitor. I can tell you that I wasn't happy to be dragged away from Jasper, and I was less than happy to see who was standing in front of me when I reached the nurses station.

"Alice. You've found yourself down the rabbit hole once again."

I grimaced. I hated the Alice in Wonderland jokes I'd always been subjected to.

"Peter." I didn't smile. I didn't want him to even think for a second that I was happy to see him. I wanted him gone, and I wanted him gone now. "What are you doing here?"

He smiled and held his hand out. I shook my head at him, just a little, but enough that he dropped his hand pretty damn quickly. He cleared his throat a little. "I hear there's a courtyard patients are allowed to sit in with visitors, shall we go and talk out there?"

I said nothing, but I turned around and made my way to the courtyard. I knew there was no way he was leaving until he'd done what he'd come for. He was an inconsiderate, insensitive bastard like that. No concept of what was right or wrong at the time, he always just came for what he wanted.

We sat in the courtyard without saying a word. I reached into my pocket and pulled out cigarette and then he finally said something.

"Since when do you smoke, Alice?"

"Oh, let's see." I paused a moment. "I think I started around the time you left, the time when it all started falling to shit and then I stopped for a bit. Then I started about a week before the shit stopped falling and hit the fan. That's about the same time I ended up here. Not that you'd know of course. You weren't there, as per fucking usual."

He opened his mouth to say something, and then closed it again.

"So what do you want this time? Sex? Money?" I raised my eyebrows. "Because I can tell you for sure that you aren't getting sex, and I have no fucking money to give you anymore."

I don't normally swear _that_ much, but this guy really did piss me off. He hadn't ever hurt me physically, but he tore my world to pieces, and then came back again, promising that it was all going to be okay. Then he tore it all apart again. The time he left last, I promised myself I'd never think of him again. I told myself that he was as good as dead to me. I did well. I'd barely thought of him since I'd been here. Now he's gone and turned up here, and I don't know what to think.

"I'm not here for anything, Alice. I came to see how you are." He seemed genuine, but that was the thing about Peter, he always seemed genuine, until the day that all you see is his back as he walks away from you again. He would only take the good without the bad, which makes his appearance in hospital just to see me even more unbelievable.

"I'm not good. I've been worse, but I'm still not good." The immature part of me wanted to add a "dur" to the end of that, but I refrained.

"I can see that," he said as he nodded toward my arm. I hadn't realised that my sleeve had slid up a little, revealing just a few of the many stitches and scar that covered my arms. He reached his hand out and touched it gently. "Why are you doing this to yourself Alice?"

Something inside me snapped at his words. What right did he have to waltz in here, be all fucking concerned and pretend like we were old friends?

"Why I'm doing this to myself," I hissed at him, "is none of your business. You weren't there; you never were when I really needed you. You didn't want to hear about anything that happened before you, and you didn't give a shit when something happened to me when you were around, and you sure as hell don't give a shit now. I don't care if you..."

"Alice, shut up and don't tell me that I don't care. I'm here, I want to know why and I want to make it better."

"I don't want you here though, you don't realise that?" Tears were starting to well up in my eyes.

Peter leant forward, and before I could stop him, he kissed me. I froze for a moment, considering whether to push him away, or to slap him and run away. I chose the first option, and shove him roughly away from me.

"Peter, what the hell do you think you're..." I started but something caught my attention out of the corner of my eye. I turned my head just in time to see Jasper's form walking quickly away from the door. I turned around and decided it was time to slap him. My arm swung forward and my hand came into contact with his face, hard. My hand stung, but I didn't care as a got up to try and run after Jasper.

_God, what's he going to think now? That I'm just some dirty tramp. I probably am..._

Just as I stood up I felt a hand grab my arm hard. "Don't you _ever_ do that again you stupid whore." Peter's words rang in my ears as the world around me began to blur. I could hear my heart beating through my chest, it hurt. My breath was short and shallow, each breath felt like an effort not worth making. I tried to pull against Peter's arm but he wouldn't let go. I saw people running out of the doors, and could vaguely hear them telling Peter to let me go. The blur that was the world turned into nothing more than a white sheet of nothing as I pulled harder this time and felt myself falling to the ground. I could just feel myself hit the ground before everything disappeared and my mind went black.

Nightmares haunted me. I screamed but no one heard. He wouldn't stop it. Every single time that I tried to open my mouth and say something no words came out. I tried to run but I couldn't move. So I tried to scream again. I was lying down now, and I could see him hovering over me. I felt sick. I knew it was going to happen again. Tears started to fall but this time I stayed silent. I'd learnt there was nothing to be done now. I just had to lie there and take it. So I did. It hurt, like it always did. Then my mind flicked to another scene again. I was sitting in the car, and my mother and father were standing on the porch, screaming at each other. I didn't see what happened, but the next thing I knew my mother was laying on the ground, blood oozing gently from her forehead. My father looked scared, but I knew that he'd just hurt her.

"Alice?" I turned around to see a girl in a floor length ball gown standing next to me. I was in a nice long blue dress. "Alice, are you awake?"

I tilted my head slighted, "of course I'm awake, you're next to me..." Her hand reached out and shook my shoulder slightly.

"Alice, wake up."

I forced my eyes open. They felt heavy, and my body felt like cement. The light was almost blinding as I opened my eyes, so much so that I promptly snapped them shut again. Too bad some bastard pried them open again to shine an even brighter light in them. I let out a small groan and moved my head slightly. Whoever was shining the light stepped away and someone else stepped up to the bed that I now realised I was lying on. As I moved slightly, the creak of plastic underneath me told me that I wasn't in my bed in the psychiatric ward, and I wasn't at home. My best guess was that I was taken across to the main part of the hospital. I was curious enough now as to what was going on that I forced myself to bear the blinding light and force myself to open my eyes. As my eyes opened, I turned my head to see who was standing next to me.

"Chantelle?" I said softly. I didn't really have enough strength left in my body to say anything loudly anyway. Curiosity cursed through me as I tried to figure out why my nurse from in the psychiatric ward was next to me in what I could now see was an emergency type ward. Not ICU, but something similar.

"Alice..." her voice was filled with what I could only describe as anguish. "They're going to be moving you, Alice. You're going to go to a more secure psychiatric facility a few miles south of here."

I scrunched my eyes up, trying to decide if I was dreaming or not. Chantelle saw this and continued to explain what was happening. "It's not because you hurt yourself, well, it is a little bit. Doctor Cullen stood up for you and requested that you stayed, however the higher powers have decided that you're too much of a risk, and that you'd be in much better hands somewhere more..." she struggled to find the word but I knew what she meant.

They wanted me somewhere more secure. Somewhere I wouldn't talk to anyone except the nurse and psychiatrist. Somewhere I wouldn't be allowed to smoke more than once an hour, and that was on a good day.

"They're moving you now, in just a few minutes. All your things are packed up, and by the way, the shards of mugs that you had hidden away and the four days worth of Seroquel have all been destroyed."

There was disapproval and upset in her voice. She'd worked so hard with me and I'd done nothing but betray her trust. Now I was being moved, and I daresay she felt like she'd failed. She shouldn't though. I had failed.

I had failed again and again and again.

**AN – So, tell me what you think.**


	17. A Different Person

**AN - Wow, two updates in one week? You're probably all thinking that I'm gravely ill or something and want to finish this before my untimely death. Well, put your minds at rest. I'm fine. Except that my back hurts, but that's more related to terrible posture. The headache is related to excess caffeine, as are the jittery hands. Once again, thank you to Ms Amelia (meilzdoggg01), for telling me when it's shit, and when it's okay.**

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**Jasper's POV**

**_Some say, now suffer all the children_  
_And walk away a savior,_  
_Or a madman and polluted_  
_From gutter institutions._  
_Don't you breathe for me,_  
_Undeserving of your sympathy,_  
_Cause there ain't no way that I'm sorry for what I did._  
- Sleep by MCR**

I sat on the log for around an hour, watching the ants at my feet scuttle around, picking up tiny pieces of dirt or food and making their way back to the colony. They were so faithful, just doing their job and not worrying about family or friends. It got me wondering if ants actually know what a friend is. Sure, they know who is in their colony, what ants are intruders. They know that bigger ants are unfriendly, and they all ran away from me when I shifted my foot. But that was all instinct. Was friendship; was love; any more than just instinct? Or are we all fools to believe we are somehow different?

"Maybe you're just a philosophical idiot," I muttered to no one. That was the problem. There was no one. Even the voice was gone. I was void of everything. I was alone, in the woods, too piss weak to go back and actually talk to Alice, not that it was even really my place question who she kissed, where, and when. I wasn't her boyfriend. We hadn't even really discussed where we stood, other than sharing one awesome kiss, and me wanting so much more.

Back to the issue of the voice (I still haven't figured out a better name for it). It's gone. I knew that I should be happy, and that it should be a sign that I'm getting better, I missed it, and I seriously doubted that it meant anything good at the moment. I could tell purely from my own thoughts that I was still a long way off being better. If anything, the few hours had undone a lot of the good that had been done over the past few weeks.

I decided to push myself up off the log and start to make my way back, my heart pounding with fear the entire way to the front door. It was only as I got up to the door that I realised something was really wrong. I'd been gone just over an hour I noted as I glanced at the clock on the way in the doors, but there were nurses, and doctors that I'd never seen before making their way meaningly to and from the treatment room, worried looks on their faces. Just as I reached the entry to the hallway so that I could try and catch a glance of the treatment room, I saw the door open, and two orderlies pushed a stretcher out, followed closely by Doctor Cullen, someone he appeared to be arguing with, and Chantelle. I didn't need to look on the stretcher to know who was on there, but I did anyway. Alice was laying there, eyes closed. Small whimpers escaped her lips as the stretcher was pushed down the hallway.

Doctor Cullen looked up for a moment, obviously hearing her whimpers too. The man who was arguing with Doctor Cullen a moment ago started saying something else again, to which Doctor Cullen responded angrily. I could hear a few words, but started trying to hear more. The orderlies had paused for a moment, obviously waiting for Doctor Cullen and the other man to start moving again.

"So you think... moving... better?" Doctor Cullen was almost growling at the other man. I'd never been frightened of him, but at this moment, I didn't want to be the person making him angry. I moved slightly, making Doctor Cullen look up and notice that I was less than 5 feet away. He stopped talking and shot the other man a look that clearly said "shut the hell up". The other doctor started walking again, with the orderlies pushing Alice past me and to the exit of the ward.

Doctor Cullen waited behind, and took a few steps toward me. "Jasper," he started talking.

"Is she okay?" I asked, cutting him off before he could say anything else. All I wanted to know is if Alice was okay, where she was going, and when she'd be back.

Doctor Cullen hesitated. "She'll live." That didn't tell me she was okay. I was more referring to her state of mind when I asked, and I think he knew that.

"Where's she going?" I asked, a little more demanding this time.

Doctor Cullen sighed. "Look, Jasper. I know she's your friend, but you have to understand that I can't tell you anything about how she is or where she's going. It's confidential, and you know that." With that he walked toward the exit, disappearing before I could try and get any more information from him.

My whole body was shaking as I made my way to the nurses' desk to sign back in. The moment I had, I made my way to my room, grabbed my cigarettes and went outside. I went to sit in the corner that Alice and I usually sit in, only to see someone else sitting there. I wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone, so I went to the other side of the courtyard, and sat on a chair.

Curiosity got to me as I lit my cigarette, and I snuck a glance at the person sitting in my corner. Squinting against the late afternoon sun, I could make out an older woman. Well, older than me at least. She sat with her head against the wall, a small smile on her face. The smile was almost scary. It looked so out of place here. She turned her head ever so slightly, and looked straight at me. I quickly turned my head away. I took a drag of my cigarette and let my thoughts wander to Alice. I pictured how she looked lying on the bed, with her hair spread out to one side. A pained look had crossed her face. She looked so vulnerable lying there, so fragile. Part of something inside me had made me want to protect her. Desperately something was trying to reach out of and to her. Something telling me that I needed to be next to her.

I shook my head at myself. _Stop it Jasper. You saw what happened. You saw just how much you mean to her._

"Did you know that talking yourself is a sign of insanity?"

I snapped my head up and looked at the person standing in front of me. It was the same lady who had been sitting over in the corner.

"I wasn't talking to myself..." I said hesitantly. For all I knew I could've been. It's been known to happen to me. I get lost in thought and accidently start saying what I'm thinking out loud.

"Why yes you were young sir. You were dwelling over a lady friend whom I dare say has broken your heart? Would she be the reason you're in here when you should be out there living your young life?"

I said nothing, but shot her what I hoped was a pointed look. I really wasn't in the mood for a counselling session, especially from someone, who given the fact she was wearing slippers, was most likely a patient. She didn't go away and so I turned to question around. "I'll tell you why I'm here if you tell me why you are." I forced a small smile that I'm fairly sure turned out as a grimace. I was hoping that she'd talk long enough that dinner would be served and I could escape under the guise of food.

"Ah, deflection. That's alright, I have time. I only came here today; I daresay I'll be here for a few weeks at least." She stopped talking for a moment and looked over to the pond. "There are ducks in this pond around this time of year. Have you seen any yet?"

"A few..."

She nodded. "So, why am I here? That, my friend, is a long story. You got time?"

I shrugged. "Not friends, but yeah, I got time."

The woman shrugged in return. "I'm here because I need it. Simple truth of the matter. I accepted long ago I couldn't do it all myself. I went through a lot when I was your age, and ended up in a ward much different to this. I was strapped to the bed all day, when I was eating I was watched. This is a resort compared to there. Not saying it is easy being here, because it's not. Just saying they treat you good."

She paused a moment. "Mind if I have smoke?" I shrugged and handed one to her. "So after I was in there for a week or so, I was released. I wasn't really better, I was just shit scared of going back there. So I soldiered on, and took what was prescribed to me. I went to the weekly counselling. I didn't even care about being better anymore by this point. I just wanted to do what I had to in order to survive. We're talking a good ten years back now by the way."

She paused again, taking a drag of the cigarette and sighing a little. "I did that for months. I even started to set myself up in the world. I got a job, rented a house, and lived like normal people do. Then I met someone who changed everything. Not a boyfriend, just someone who realised I wasn't okay, and wanted to fix it. They referred me to a psychiatrist they knew, who actually looked at my symptoms, looked at my behaviour, and wasn't contented with my simple attendance and taking of the drugs they gave me... Long story short there, it took me a few years of seeing this person, but now I know when I'm on a downhill slide and when I need to get help before it gets too bad."

"Well if you know when to get help before it gets too bad, why are you in here now?"

"Because this time I couldn't promise I'd be safe if I were alone. This time was different."

Something about the way she said it made me not want to ask anymore questions. There was a pain in her voice that told me that that was the end of her story. We sat there in an uncomfortable silence, letting my thoughts wander back to Alice. After a short while, the woman started talking again.

"So you know why I'm here. Why are you here and why are you talking to yourself about this girl?"

_**There are mistakes that will never be forgiven.**_  
_**Sometimes at night I pray to wake a different person in a different place.**_  
_**Maybe we could just be friends.**_  
_**I am being a bit presumptuous.**_  
_**The stomach turns and the mind start to race.**_  
_**You nervously start to exaggerate.**_  
_**I want to be young, I want to live.**_  
_**I want to be healthy, I don't want this problem.**_  
_**- Against Me. **_

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**AN – so who is this mystery lady, and what does she want with our Jasper? :) PS, I have work all week so don't expect another quick chapter. Hopefully next weekend.**

**REVIEWS PLEASE :)**


	18. Such Fragile Lives

**AN – So, as promised, the next chapter. Thank you for the reviews on the last chapter, and provided all goes to plan, I've decided to attempt 1 chapter a week. Bear in mind however, that I do work fulltime still, and have commitments outside writing. :)**

**I hope you like the chapter.

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**ALICE POV**

I spent the night in the emergency ward under close watch, and early the next morning I was sitting quietly in the back of the car transporting me to what I'd been told was called the Duncan Mental Health Clinic. There were two "counsellors" next to me. They looked more like body guards though, and I suspect they were more there as guards than counsellors. I was sitting between the two in the back seat. Again, this was probably so that I couldn't get to the doors and try to jump out. I considered climbing over them really quickly as we slowed at a traffic light to try to get out, but I figured if I had any chance what-so-ever of getting back to Jasper, than I'd ruin it by trying to run away now.

I closed my eyes and started to think about Jasper again. I couldn't stop thinking about him. I know that the last thing he'd seen me do was kiss Peter, and I hadn't had a chance to explain, to beg him to understand that I didn't want to, and that it was all Peter. I doubted he'd believe me anyway. We weren't even technically a couple. We'd kissed. I liked him, a lot, and I'm pretty sure he liked me too. Unfortunately, being in a psych ward, it's not the best place to start a relationship. I was willing to try though, I'd decided, if I ever got back to him. At the moment though it seemed as though there was very little chance I'd ever get to see him again. I know he told me his last name at one stage, and I racked my brain, desperately trying to remember so that if I didn't get back to see him in hospital, at least I could try to track him down once we got out.

A tap on my shoulder interrupted my thoughts and I slowly opened my eyes to see that we'd stopped outside the most dreary, dull, lifeless building that I'd ever seen. The windows literally had bars on the outside, and there were no bushes or trees around the outside. It looked like a jail, and as I was escorted inside, I felt like a prisoner. I said nothing; I barely even listened as a bored looking lady told me about the schedule, the routine that they followed here. She went over the rules about meal times, and when the courtyard was open. She handed me a sheet that had my personal therapy schedule on it. I glanced at it to see that I had a one on one session with my new psychiatrist. When she asked me if I had any questions, I pulled on my sleeves, trying to cover up the cuts on my arms as I nodded. I didn't speak; I couldn't seem to force myself to even if I wanted to.

I was taken to a room that had two beds in it. My heart dropped, realising that I had to share this room with someone else. I guess it made sense. This was a public clinic. The one I was in before was purely because I had really good health insurance. Now I'm in this and sure, it costs less and is more secure, "safer", but it sucked. I couldn't see how I could possibly get any better in here. The general aura of the place was one of sadness and hurt. It was painful to just sit on my bed as I waited for the call to say that I was to go and meet my new psychiatrist.

I lay back on the uncomfortable bed and let my eyes admire the paint that was flaking away from the ceiling. A knock on the door just moments after I lay down made me jump up. The door was already open (just another stupid rule that I suppose made sense).

"Alice?" A man in his mid 20's asked. I nodded. "Dr Mead is ready to see you now." I stood up and followed the man who wore a badge saying he was a training nurse. Something about his features struck me, he seemed strangely familiar but I couldn't place it. I shrugged the feeling way as we walked into a small corridor with 3 doors, all label with different names. _Dr Robert Mead_ was on one of them, and we stopped in front of it just as it opened. I the nurse smiled at me gently and left me standing in front of a man I assumed was Dr Mead. He held out his hand for me to shake, "I'm Dr Mead. I'll be your attending Psychiatrist while you're here at Duncan." I nodded again, and his hand dropped, probably realising there was no way in hell I was shaking it. He kept his smile on his face though, "come on in, Alice."

I stepped in the room and looked around. It was pretty much as I had expected. He had a desk, two chairs, and a one person lounge of types. His certificates and degrees were hung up around the wall, and there was a thank you letter framed from what I assumed was a grateful patient. I didn't bother reading it.

"Have a seat, Alice." Dr Mead pointed to the one person lounge that I imagine hundreds of other people had sat it. I suppressed a shudder as I thought about how filthy that lounge must be and forced myself to sit. I crossed my arms and looked at the ground. The carpet was green. Not a nice green, it was almost grey. "So Alice, tell me a little bit about yourself."

I stopped myself from rolling my eyes. To think that I had an hour of this. Every day. "Nothing more to tell you other than what's already in that folder there." I glanced pointedly at the folder he was holding that I knew contained all the notes about me from my previous medical... interventions.

Dr Mead startled slightly, but continued to push. "Surely there's more to you than your medical and psychiatric notes?"

I tried not to laugh sarcastically. "Nope, all I am is numbers and other peoples notes and interpretations. I am an experiment."

Dr Mead sighed a little. I could tell he was getting a little bit frustrated. I grinned to myself. "Okay, I see there's probably no getting past that today, but don't think that I won't be working on your evasion of questions about yourself with you later."

He tapped his pen on his folder for a second before opening it and pulling out a couple of pages of paper. "I've had a discussion with your previous psychiatrist. While I disapprove of his method of treating patients, we've come to a mutual diagnosis."

_A yes, Doc20. How I miss him. _I scowled. I didn't like this doctor at all. He was pushy, and as much as I disliked Doc20 and his ability to get me to talk, I hated this doctor right now for hating Doc20. _You're ridiculous, Alice._

"So, are you interested in knowing what we've diagnosed you with?"

Curiosity burned through my veins, but I didn't want him to know, so I lied. "Not particularly."

Of course he ignored me, and continued on with his diagnosis. Part of me was pissed, the other part really fucking curious. "We have decided that a diagnosis of depression doesn't fit all your symptoms and behaviours. After observing all of your behaviours, what you have told your previous psychiatrist, and what the nurses have noted, we have decided to officially diagnosis you with Borderline Personality Disorder, with underlying depression and social anxiety disorder".

He went on to explain what Borderline Personality Disorder is, and how it is treated. He gave me a list of my new medications, and my treatment schedule. He gave me a lot of information to look over later. I took it without really paying much more attention. It had been mentioned to me before as a possibility, but having an "official" diagnosis made me think. I'd always known I was depressed. I'd almost grown to accept that that was part of me. Now that was ripped out of under my feet, and it felt almost like I'd lost a part of myself. It was insane, but I almost didn't want this diagnosis. I just wanted to go on being the "depressed girl".

I walked slowly back to my room after Dr Mead was finished with me. I wasn't looking as I stepped into the room. A quick movement caught my attention though, and I nearly jumped as I looked up to see a girl with long blonde hair and the slimmest figure I'd ever seen sitting on the bed across from mine, looking at me with wide startled eyes.

"No one told me I had a new room mate," the girl said sharply. She obviously wasn't happy about seeing me walk in.

"Um... I only got here about an hour and a half ago and just had to see one of the doctors..." I didn't know why I was explaining my whereabouts to her, but she seemed really pissed off that I was here. I was actually a little bit scared.

Then all of a sudden her eyes changed. They went almost blank, and she leaned against the wall next to her bed with a shrug. "Whatever, just don't touch any of my things."

I nodded and scuttled over to my own bed. I reached into my bag. I searched around for a moment without really looking. I was still half keeping an eye on the blonde to make sure she didn't try to suddenly kill me. I found what I was looking for and pulled out a packet of skittles. Chantelle had packed up nearly everything from my room. She'd thrown out my stash of pills and sharp objects, but had let me keep my stash of sugar. She probably knew that I was going to hate it here and needed what I could to get me through.

I opened to packet and glanced over to see the blonde staring at me again. I decided to take action.

"Well, seeing as we have no choice in the matter of room mates, I'm Alice."

She tilted her head just slightly, surveying me. "Alice, I'm Rosalie. May I have a skittle?"

I almost smiled. I held the packet out as she held her hand out and poured a couple into her hand. She picked out the orange ones and passed the rest back to me. I was tempted to ask why she was only eating the orange ones, but didn't want to push my luck.

We sat in silence for a few moments. Rosalie ate one of the skittles, but put the rest on the bed and started arranging them in a line. I looked at her bed and noticed that even with her sitting on it, it was perfectly made. Only slight creases around where she was sitting. I started drawing my own conclusions as to why she was here. The first thing that jumped to mind was OCD.

"So Alice," Rosalie started talking, "why do you find yourself at the lovely Duncan?"

Her voiced was filled with sarcasm. I was starting to like her already, and couldn't figure out why. I shrugged it off, figuring that if I could get along with her, my time here would be a thousand times easier.

"Well, I was just told I have what is commonly referred to as BPD." I expected Rosalie to ask what that was, but she just nodded knowingly.

"Okay, so what did you do that landed you here?"

I shrugged. "I guess that I kinda just freaked out a little in the old place I was in. An old... friend... came to visit, and I lost it a little bit."

Rosalie nodded.

We didn't say anything else, and she didn't offer any information about why she was here. I didn't feel like talking to anyone, so I let my mind wander to Jasper.

I really missed him. My body actually ached without him near me. It was strange, but I knew, somehow, that he was feeling the same. Maybe it was my imagine though. But I like to think that he did...

_**Who has to know  
When we live such fragile lives  
It's the best way we survive  
I go around a time or two  
Just to waste my time with you  
- All American Rejects

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**AN – Yeah, I like reviews. They make me want to write more.**


	19. No New Beginning

**AN – essentials for writing, barbecue shapes (do you Americans know what they are?), a can of V, and an amazing best friend. Love you Meilzdoggg01. By the way, this hasn't been beta'd, so forgive the mistakes. I did proof, but my eye is never good at getting them all.

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**Jasper's POV**

_**Grief is the price we pay for love.  
-Her majesty, Queen Elizabeth II **_

It was midday, I'd just at lunch and decided to hide away in my room for a bit. I sat on my bed, absent mindedly picking at the sheets. I had spent the night tossing and turning. I got a few hours sleep, but it was plagued by dreams of Alice. Her amazing green eyes, her hair, her scent. I could smell her in my dreams. I missed her so badly. I wanted nothing more than to hold her and tell her that everything would be alright. But then another part of me wanted to scream at her, tell her that I hated her. Because honestly, a part of me did hate her. I have no idea what happened with the man that came to see her, but she kissed him. I saw that. I saw them kissing. I hit the mattress and laughed at myself.

"_Oh dear Jasper, what has she done to you?"_

I jumped. I hadn't heard the voice in over 24 hours, and I was starting to believe that it wasn't coming back.

"Nothing, she hasn't done anything."

"_Maybe that's our problem here. Maybe the fact she didn't say goodbye. She saw you. Remember, when she was lying on the stretcher, right there in front of you. She looked up, and she saw you. But she said nothing. She doesn't care about us Jasper."_

I nearly threw up hearing what it was saying. "No, no she does care." I believed myself. I believed that she did care. Because while I didn't know a lot about her, I knew enough to know that she wasn't heartless.

I sighed, lying back, resting my head against the wall. I looked out the window to watch the birds flying between the trees. My eyes slowly started to close, and I felt my body slide into sleep.

"_Jasper? What are you doing here?" Alice's face glowed in the sunlight as I walked up to her in the park._

_I took her hand and kissed it. "Not much. I finished work early and decided I'd come and surprise you. I figured that you'd probably be here." Alice laced her fingers through mine and we started walking, not talking, just walking. My mind was at peace, my body felt perfect. Everything was amazing. I stopped for a moment, Alice stopped with me. She didn't ask any questions, she just turned around to face me and kissed me gently. I touched her face. Her perfect soft skin felt like silk beneath my finger tips._

"_I love you, Alice."_

_Alice started to say something, but I suddenly I couldn't hear what it was. She was fading away, as though right before me she was dissipating._

"_Alice?" I tried to grab hold of her arm, as though it'd make her stay. "Alice, please don't go. Alice!"_

"ALICE!" I woke up screaming. My door flew open, and Dr Cullen came running in.

"Jasper, are you okay?" he asked, concern filling his voice.

I sat up, sweat dripping from the ends of my hair. No, I wasn't okay. I was wrong. Everything was so wrong... Then I did something I didn't think I'd ever do. I wept. I tucked my knees to my chest, hugging them tightly. I sat there and I sobbed uncontrollably. I felt Dr Cullen next to me, a comforting hand on my shoulder. I let myself cry. I let everything I'd been holding in, the pain, the hurt, the upset, I let everything out. I muttered Alice's name, I cursed myself, I swore at everything I could think of that had ever had an effect, positive or negative, on my situation today.

I heard a nurse come in, but I heard Dr Cullen tell her to leave us alone for a while, that I didn't need anything at the moment. I think he knew that I needed this. And then, eventually, the tears stopped.

I took long deep breaths, catching my breath slowly. Using both hands, I rubbed my face and swept my hair out of my eyes. I felt disgusting, but at the same time I felt so much better. I felt lighter.

"Jasper?" Dr Cullen spoke softly. "I'll give you a moment, go wash your face and clean yourself up a little bit. I'll be waiting here. We'll talk when you're finished okay?"

I nodded, grateful that he wasn't going anywhere yet. Grateful that he cared enough to stay and talk to me. He didn't shove me full of sedatives and let me sleep it off. He let me cry. As embarrassing it was to know that I'd just let myself cry like a child in front of a grown man that I'd grown to like, if not a lot, I had a little bit of respect for him. I stood up and walked into my bathroom. I flicked the light on and closed the door. Sighing, I looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes were red, and my cheeks were tear stained. My lips tasted salty, and my hair was still damp from the nightmare.

I turned on the sink tap, and splashed water on my face. I quickly decided that this wasn't enough. I turned the shower on and stripped my clothes from my body. I left the water cold. I stepped inside, the water was like needles piercing my skin. I wasn't doing it for the pain though. I was doing it because I needed to know I was awake. That I wasn't still dreaming. I needed to think things through for a moment. I knew that Alice was alive. I don't know why I knew it, I just did. I could feel that she was okay. I couldn't explain why I knew it. Everything was more than I could comprehend at the moment.

I turned the water off and quickly dried myself off. I threw on the same jeans as I was wearing before I fell asleep, but left my shirt off, deciding I really did need a clean one. I opened the bathroom door, and nodded toward Dr Cullen who looked up from the folder he was reading something out of.

I pulled a clean shirt out of my cupboard and threw it on. I sat down on the bed. We sat in silence for a few moments.

"So, Jasper. How are you feeling now?" he asked, still a note of concern laced through his words.

Something inside me decide that it was time to be open with Dr Cullen. If I was ever going to get out of here, I needed to actually talk about what was happening. So I sighed, ran my hand through my hair and chose my words carefully.

"I feel... exhausted. I feel like my body is five thousand pounds, and I feel like my mind is moving at snail pace. Everything I do is in slow motion. Everything I see, or hear, I have to question if it's real or not. I feel like I'm going insane. Well, more insane than I already am..."

"Jasper, I want you to realise something. You are not insane. You're troubled, yes. You have a lot of issues, yes. You need help coping, yes. But you are not, by any stretch of the imagination, insane." I looked down at the sheets, I wanted to believe him. I wanted to think that he actually thought that, but part of me still believed I was just a nut case. That I shouldn't be near anybody because I'll hurt them. "Jasper, I want you to look at me." It took a lot of effort, but I looked up. I looked at Dr Cullen, and I saw nothing but truth. He wasn't lying to me. He wanted me to feel better, yes, because he cared. But no, he wasn't lying. He truly believed that I wasn't insane.

"Okay..." I said quietly. I didn't say anything else, but I believe that in that one word, I had said more to Dr Cullen than I had in the entire time that I'd been here. In myself, I had just accepted that I needed to talk to him. I needed more than anything to be entirely truthful, open, and honest.

"So, Jasper," Dr Cullen eventually spoke again. "What happened early today?"

"It was a nightmare..." I muttered. I was still a little bit embarrassed.

He smiled. "Yes, I got that much, but why? Why did you wake up screaming Alice's name? I know you grew close to her, but you haven't known her for that long. Don't you think it's worrying that you're already so attached to her?"

I paused a moment. He did have a point, I had only known her a little while, but I didn't see it as a problem that I was that attached, that I felt that close to her. "No. I don't think it's worrying. I think that the day I saw her, I was attached. There was something about her that I wanted around me. Every time she would sit next to me, I would feel calmer. She understood me. I didn't even tell her what was wrong a lot of the time. I thought I was hiding that I was upset, but she still knew that I was. She didn't ever push me, and she certainly never judged me..." I took a breath. The thought of Alice was upsetting me again, I just wanted to know that she was okay. I wanted her to know, so badly, how much I cared for her.

"So you care for her, Jasper?" his voice was soft, he wasn't angry, but I could tell he was curious.

"I do. I really do care for her. I feel like I've known her for so much longer than just a few weeks. I think... I think she cares for me too."

"I think she might..." he muttered. I could tell he wasn't saying it to me. He obviously regretted something, but I couldn't tell what. He was angry at himself for something. I wanted to ask, but it wasn't my place to try and counsel my psychiatrist.

"So, Jasper. Do you feel as though you have made any progress since you've been here with us?" he was serious again. I knew he had to ask these questions, and I wished I could give a better answer.

"I think... maybe... I don't know. I thought that the voice was gone, but it's come back again. Albeit infrequently, it's always there, waiting for something to happen, waiting to pounce on me when I'm down."

Dr Cullen nodded. "Jasper, while I know that your auditory hallucinations are an issue, I feel as though these an be controlled. It will take counselling, and I am going to start you on medication. But I'm worried about your depression. I think they stem from more than just the hallucinations."

I took in his words. He was right. There was more to my depression. Things I'd pushed to the back of my mind. Things that I refused to think about, or acknowledge that they happened.

"We know that you've been abusing prescription medication while you're in here. I won't be prescribing you Quetapine... Seroquel, as you better know it. Instead I'll be opting for something you've never had before, according to your admission of drug abuse, and medical history. It's called Aripiprazole, or commercially as Abilify. We will be controlling it strictly, and you will be watched as you take it. In addition to this, you will attend 3 counselling sessions daily, and I will be seeing you every second day." Dr Cullen sighed. "I hate being as strict and serious as this Jasper, I do believe in a friendly approach. But you need to get better. We need to help you."

I knew that it was going to be a long journey, and that this was the beginning of a new start. I knew that it was going to hurt, and that I wasn't going to be able to do it all alone any more. Most of all though, I knew that if I did this. If I really got better. Then I could find her. I could find Alice.

The rest of the day passed, not uneventfully, and not pleasantly, but it passed. Dinner time came, and with it my new medication. As Dr Cullen had promised, the nurse stood next to me as I took it, and checked my mouth after I'd swallowed. She was thorough, but kind. I did take the medication. I picked at my chicken and peas with mashed potato, that I'm fairly sure could barely count as 'mashed', it was that lumpy. The seat next to me moved, and I looked up to see the strange lady I had been talking to yesterday had sat down next to me. I wasn't in the mood, but as I had yesterday, I decided not to bother telling her to go away, or moving myself. Maybe it'd do me some good to actually talk to people. I didn't even know the names of the other people milling around. I knew who were patients, there were only 6 of us, but I didn't know their names.

"Hiya, Jasper," she was happy, as she was yesterday. I couldn't decide if she was happy because she was crazy, or if she was just plain happy, because that was easier. Happy didn't come easily for me, so I tended to lean toward she was happy because she was crazy. That was easier to comprehend. That, and she had mentioned that she had issues with depression. Perhaps being happy, showing her smile, and having a laugh at everything was her way of coping with it.

"Hi." I smiled a little. It wasn't too forced, it just wasn't an entirely happy smile.

"Bad day?" she didn't offer sympathy as I nodded, just kind of nodded back, acknowledging that I'd had a crap day. She didn't say much more after that either. She just sat next to me, eating her own food. She'd opted for just the vegetables, which I was starting to think was a much better choice.

I pushed my plate back with a sigh. There was no way I was going to finish half cooked chicken and lumpy not-quite-mashed potatoes. "So what did you do today?" I wasn't really interested, but I decided small talk was the way to go with someone you didn't really know but seemed to want to be your friend.

"Um... well, I spent a bit of time with my psychiatrist. I went for a walk, with a nurse. So that wasn't that relaxing but it was good to be able to stretch my legs. Other than that I didn't do a lot apart from go to a couple of the sessions. I was surprised that I didn't see you in any of them." Her tone was questioning, but she didn't outright ask why I wasn't there. I decided it wasn't rude to not answer seeing as she didn't ask.

She sat there for a moment, then spoke again. "Well, I'm going to go see if I can't get an hour on my laptop. They won't give me the cord for it to charge, but will let me charge it in their office, then use what battery I can get out of it." She shrugged. I started to notice that she did that a lot. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I could tell there was something not quite right with her. Again, because I'm a bastard, I didn't bother asking what was wrong. She stood up, and pushed her chair in. "By the way, I'm Bella." With that she that she turned and walked down the hallway.

**_Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending._**  
**_-Anon

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**AN – So, we'll be seeing more of Jasper in counselling, and learning more about his past soon. Now we know who the mystery woman is, will she be good or bad for Jasper? Send me your theories in a review, and let me know what you thought of the chapter.**


	20. Moonshadow

**AN – Okay, so this wasn't what I was going to write, but apparently Doc20 is sick of being a side character and has something to say, so here you go.

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**Doctor Cullen's POV**

I walked into my office, only just resisting the urge to kick something, really hard. I wasn't normally a violent man, but I just couldn't handle it this time. I know I'm supposed to be impartial. Rule number one; 'don't get attached'. We've all learnt it, we all know that it's just too hard to get attached and then lose a patient. We can't give them our best if we are emotional. But there was something about this boy, something about Jasper. I couldn't help it. It was too close to home. It was too close to...

I sighed and shook my head. I didn't need to think about the past. I needed to sit down, and type up these notes while they were still fresh in my mind.

I looked down at Jasper's file to see three pages of scribbled, incomprehensible notes on the auditory hallucinations, my thoughts about his underlying depression, and his overall condition. I sorted it all out in my head, opened up a new word document on my ancient laptop and let my fingers type without my mind even processing what they were typing. Once I had them all typed and every tiny idea was expanded on to the point that no one could fault my notes no matter how hard they looked, I pressed save and closed the laptop. My head dropped into my hands and my body begged for sleep. It had been over 24 hours since I'd slept, I was exhausted.

The lack of sleep wasn't for lack of trying though. It was because of Alice. I felt like I'd failed. That the poor girl was now in one of the worst possible places for her, and it was all because I hadn't been quick enough to step in.

I had seen her. I'd been there, keeping an eye on her while she was sitting in the courtyard with her visitor. I could see she was uncomfortable, but not in any immediate danger. They were talking, and then he kissed her. I looked away for a moment because I didn't want to intrude, and then I heard yelling, I looked back to see Alice land a slap so hard on the man's face that he stumbled for a moment, I stood up and ran over to the door, sliding it open. It took me just a few seconds to get from the door to Alice, but in that time, she was already collapsing. She was muttering something. I couldn't hear what she was saying properly, but I could clearly hear her say Jasper's name as she fell backwards into my arms...

A knock on my door startled me out of my thoughts. "Yes?" The door opened to reveal my beautiful wife standing there with a small paper bag in one hand, and a soft caring smile on her face.

"I thought you could use a chocolate brownie and some coffee." She lifted her other hand to reveal two takeaway cups from our favourite café 5 minutes down the road from the hospital.

"You're an angel, have I ever told you that?" I smiled gently and motioned for her to come inside.

Esme let out a small laugh, "once or twice." She closed the door and walked over to my desk. I pushed my chair out from the desk, letting her slid onto my lap and wrap her warm arms around me.

"Hard day?" she asked. I nodded, burying my face in her neck.

Somehow she always knew when I needed her, from the day we first met, she knew just when I needed someone to just hold me.

"It's just... it's hard, Esme. How am I supposed to not get attached when I see this kid nearly every day? I want to help him, more than anything, but I'm scared that I'm getting to close and rather than helping, I've just been hindering his recovery."

"Carlisle," Esme lifted her head of my shoulder. "There is only so far the rule to not get attached can be applied. Occasionally things need to be a little more personal. Sometimes that's just what people are going to need. Someone that understands and _cares_ that they feel terrible. Maybe what this boy needs is for you to care." Her hand gently stroked my cheek, stopping a moment to let Esme look deep into my eyes.

I nodded again. She had a point. Maybe I was expecting too much of myself to say that I wouldn't be attached, that I wouldn't care.

"And... I doubt that you're the first person to feel this way." From anyone else, that comment would seem condescending, but from Esme, it was a wake up call. "So, before you get your coffee, do you promise that you'll stop beating yourself up about it and just help this poor boy?"

"Okay..." the corners of my mouth turned up slightly when Esme reached over to pick up my coffee from the desk and hand it to me like a trophy.

"Thank you," I kissed her nose gently. We both knew that the thank you was for so much more than the coffee.

Esme was the person that I could tell nearly everything to. I told her as much as I could about my work without breaking confidentiality. Sometimes it's a fine line, but she never probes too far, and she has never asked their names. She is the most understanding, amazing woman I have ever met. I think that's why I decided to marry her... and she is the reason I understand just how Jasper is feeling about Alice.

She is the reason I know that I need to do everything in my power to get him well enough that when I get her back here, they can help each other. Because I have a feeling that they need each other. I don't want him to need her to live, but maybe they're the key to each other's recovery.

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**AN – No, I know it's really short. But it was needed. I'm working on the next chapter with Alice.**

**Reviews are lovely.**


	21. Gravity

**AN – I know, it's been forever since I've updated. Sorry 'bout that. I hope you like the chapter. A little bit more into Rosalie's life in this one.**

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**Alice's POV**

_**You hold me without touch.  
You keep me without chains.  
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love  
**__**and not feel your rain.**_

_**- Gravity (Sara Bareilles)**_

My head spun, and I felt a little bit giddy. I twirled around, circles that never ended. I wanted to feel my body fly. If I kept going, I felt like my feet might leave the ground. I felt my hair whip around my face, and the air rushing past. I let out a laugh, and I felt my feet tangle against each other. I tripped and fell back onto the bed. Uncontrollable laughter ripped through my body as Rosalie looked on, laughing herself. The difference with Rosalie's laugh was that hers was incredulous. Like she couldn't believe what she was seeing.

"Are you okay, Alice?" she asked. I could almost swear she was concerned. "Only, if you make too much noise, the night staff will come to check on you." Rosalie played with her long blonde hair, a look of mischief in her eyes. "Mind you, I think Emmett is on tonight. Maybe you should keep being crazy..."

Emmett was a nurse. You wouldn't pick it, if you looked at him. He looked like he could break you in half without even trying. About six foot, he was all muscle. He cared about people though. I could see why he had caught Rosalie's attention, and the fact she was a patient didn't seem to deter her infatuation. Who was I to question it? I had fallen for a fellow patient. I wasn't a lot better. If I looked hard enough, I could see Emmett was a little softer toward Rosalie than the other patients. I could almost say that he felt similarly toward her. Not that he would show it. You just had to watch him work to know he loved his job. I don't think that he would do something that rash to jeopardise his license to practice.

I picked up a pillow and threw it at her. If I didn't know better, I might have said I was having fun. I had been here for nearly a week now, and Rosalie had started to open up a little bit. We didn't really talk about what was wrong with us, or why we were here. She was lucky enough to be allowed some of her own make up, so we had taken to giving each other make overs when it got really boring. At the moment, I had blue eyes shadow on, and bright lipstick. It didn't particularly suit me, or anyone for that matter, but it gave us something to laugh about.

"Now, now, Rosalie. If I didn't know any better, I would say that you wanted to see Emmett." I grinned at her.

Rosalie rolled her eyes at me, "of course I want to see him. My god, he's sexy. I don't know any woman who wouldn't want to _see_ him." I pretended to gag. "Oh, except you of course. You have your own forbidden lover boy."

The mention of Jasper made my heart ache a little. I was doing well at focusing on getting well enough to go back to Greenside, that I had managed to not think about Jasper so much..

I shrugged lightly and turned toward the window. Outside I couldn't see a lot, I could just make out a few stars, but I was closer to the city here, and it was nearly impossible to see anything decent with the smog.

"Hey Rosalie... what did you do to get in here?" I don't know why I was so curious all of a sudden. Perhaps I just didn't want to think about Jasper. Rosalie went quiet. I wasn't looking at her, but I knew she wasn't moving. It seemed like ages past, and she still didn't say anything. I sat where I was, watching the starless sky. Eventually she breathed heavily and started talking.

"I fell pregnant. I knew my mom would hate me, but I had to tell her. I didn't want to do it alone. I told her while we were driving." Rosalie stopped. I could hear the tears she was crying in her voice. I got up from my spot on my bed and walked over to her. Sitting next to her, I did something I didn't think I was capable of. I hugged her.

"When I told her, she didn't stop. She started yelling at me, hitting me from her seat. She wasn't watching what she was doing... she drove off the road." Rosalie wiped tears from her cheeks. "She died, and I lived. But my baby was killed too... after that I stopped doing anything. I hated myself. Because I had been so selfish, because I had wanted to keep it, because I had told her. Almost just to get a reaction. I killed them both. Two months after that, I got out of hospital, but I had nowhere to go. I had no family left.. I felt lost. So I tried to end it all. I have been here for 2 months this time. I have spent the past year and a half in here on and off. Things are starting to get a bit better now though... I might be out soon."

Rosalie looked hopeful, but at the same time looked terrified. I could understand how after being somewhere like this for so long, to go back out there, and to try and face the real world day after day would be the hardest battle of all.

The next morning, when I woke up to the call of breakfast (it was Friday; that meant bacon and eggs, what girl wouldn't be excited after a week of muesli?) Rosalie had already left the room. After a quick shower, I went out to the dining area. Rosalie was there, sitting by herself looking out the window. Everyone else was outside. As I walked up to her, I could see that she had been crying again. Gently, I put a hand on her shoulder.

"Did you want to come outside?" I asked.

Rosalie looked at me. She looked angry. I almost walked away before she got up and started walking toward the door without saying anything. I shrugged and followed her. She sat down on the patchy grass just past the brick patio.

"Just so you know, if you tell anyone what I told you last night, I'll kill you..." Rosalie looked at me with a glare.

"Rosalie, I would never..." I didn't know what to say. I thought that she had trusted me, and that we were becoming friends. "Why would I tell someone?"

Rosalie didn't say anything back for a while. She sat there picking at the grass. I lit up a cigarette and looked up at the morning sun. After a couple of minutes Rosalie looked at me again. "Just... please don't?" Her voice was desperate.

"Rosalie, I promise you. I would never tell anyone."

She nodded at me, and smiled a little bit. "I just... I needed to know Alice. Apart from the doctors and nurses here... no one else knows. Not even my friends. They knew I was in an accident, they knew that my mom had died. No one else knows that I was pregnant. No one else knows that I'm the reason my mom isn't here any more."

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**AN – Sorry it's so short. I figure an update that's short is better than none at all. It didn't seem right to add anything else to this chapter. Rosalie is going to be a fairly big character in this story. Perhaps something from Emmett wouldn't go astray? Let me know if you want to hear from Emmett at all or if I should stick to Alice and Jasper.**


	22. Happiness Without You

**AN – So, it's been a long time. Again, sorry. I'll admit, this was pushed forward out of a boring plane ride, next to an annoyingly chatty woman. It's amazing what you can get written if you put on head phones and block someone out. My Jasper seems to come out more when I'm feeling bitchy, go figure. I hope you enjoy it. Last chapter someone suggested I put in a little recap of the last chapter, but I'm not sure how I would do it. Any suggestions and if you want one, let me know. I'm more than happy to, I just don't know how...**

**Read on!**

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**Jasper's POV**

"_Breaking skin on crashing waves,_

_lay back dreaming about the days_

_I was yours and you were mine_

_Can we turn back the hands of time?"_

_Happiness without You – Taxiride_

The weeks passed, and things seemed to be getting better. I could see things improving, and I could see ahead more than a few hours. My mind was starting to clear, albeit only slightly. The voice was starting to become less frequent, which was the main thing for me, I suppose. Doctor Cullen was starting to allow me a little more freedom, and he said that we were starting to make a lot of progress.

I missed Alice though. More than I thought I could ever miss someone. My body ached to be next to her again. I wanted to touch her soft hair, and hold her tiny body in my arms. The idea of her coming back here seemed to be the only thing that was holding me back here now. I wanted to get better, and to leave here and get on with my life. Doctor Cullen was helping me get to that point. But the thought that I could leave here and never see her again... that terrified me. That made me desperate to stay.

I suppose that that's why I was almost glad when Doctor Cullen suggested something that I would normally have flat out refused.

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"So, tell me Jasper..." Doctor Cullen put down his pent and looked at me intently. "If the voice is getting better, and if you're feeling better as a whole, as you say you are, then why do I feel as though there's something very big still bothering you?"

I looked down at the floor. "I don't know what you're talking about..." I sighed to myself because I knew that he'd know I was lying.

Doctor Cullen let out a small sigh too. "Look, Jasper. I understand if you don't want to talk about every little aspect of you life with me. But what you need to understand is that I just want to help you. I don't want to judge you, laugh at you, or upset you. The only thing I want is to see you smiling as you walk out of here. I don't want to see another one of my patients leave on a stretcher." He stopped for a moment, and it occurred to me that he was talking about Alice. "Jasper, I can't help if you don't tell me what the problem is..."

I wanted to scream. I hated that he knew when something was bothering me, that he knew I was upset, even when I tried so hard to hide it from everyone, including myself. But I knew he was right at the same time.

"Well, I suppose that I'll have to leave here soon, but I feel like I'll have nowhere to go. My apartment lease is up, and frankly I can't afford to renew it. As I'm sue you're aware, my father wants nothing to do with me now that I've decided to stay here. He sees me as weak, that it was a bad choice to get myself help and get myself back on my feet. I know that he's wrong. I know that this is the best thing for me, but that doesn't make it any easier knowing that when I leave here, I'll be more alone than I ever have been."

Doctor Cullen was silent as I talked. I told him about my lack of a job, how I couldn't cook to save my life, and every other little details that seemed pathetic but was really worrying me about leaving this place. All the while he looked like he was contemplating something.

"Jasper, there are things we can do here to help you. Probably not with your terrible cooking," he laughed a little, but stopped quickly. "There are benefits you can get while you look for a job. We're more than willing to help you apply for them. Once you get that, we can start to look for an apartment for you to rent. It won't be anything flashy, but it'll be a roof over your head with plumbing and a kitchen." He sighed softly as he looked at his watch. "I have to go to an appointment at another hospital, but I'll bring in the information about benefits for you tomorrow, and we'll go from there, okay?" He stood up and placed a hand on my shoulder. "One more idea, Jasper, and I want you to think really carefully about this before you tell me your answer, and I'm going to want to hear you reasons... Maybe you should talk to your father."

I opened my mouth to protest, but Doctor Cullen was too quick and cut me off before I started. "Jasper, think about it."

With that, he left the room.

I sat there in stunned silence. I didn't know what to think about the idea. Obviously I hated it, but at the same time, maybe it'd do me some good if I had a chance to tell him what I thought, rather than him constantly telling me what I should think, and what I should be doing.

I flopped back on my bed and put my hands over my face. "Fuck me." I swore and stood up again, grabbed my cigarettes and walked outside. I saw Bella sitting on the chairs in the courtyard, I walked up to her and sat down. She looked like crap, to be completely honest.

"Hey you, what's up?" she asked as I sat down, she smiled but I could tell it was forced. I took that as her 'no, I don't want to talk about it, so shut up'.

"Not much, just got out from with Doctor Cullen." Ever since Alice left, I'd stopped calling him Doc20. It felt like a private joke between Alice and I. I didn't want anyone else in on it.

"Oh yeah, and what did his all mighty wise-ness have to say today?"

I didn't want to tell her, so I just shrugged. "Not a heck of a lot. Just the usual. And what's happening in the land of Bella?"

She glared at me and I knew immediately that it was the wrong thing to say.

"None of your fucking business."

I raised my eyebrows. "Okay then..." I lit my cigarette and sat the in silence. I could understand not wanting to talk about it, but that was a tad harsh. I suppose I've been just as bad before.

Bella spoke first, which surprised me. "So apparently they're planning an outing for all those they deem sane enough to leave for a day."

My head shot up. "Yeah? Where to?"

She shrugged. "I haven't got a clue. I'm not sane enough to go apparently."

_Oh... _I was starting to cotton onto her bad mood. "Don't worry about it. I doubt it'd be that much fun anyway." I said meekly, trying to make her feel better, while at the same time being ridiculously excited at the prospect of being able to get out of here for a day. I guess I'd have to ask Doctor Cullen tomorrow if I was allowed to go.

Bella stubbed out her cigarette and stood up. "I'm going to see if I can go for a walk."

Before I could reply, Bella walked off.

_I could feel the late summer sun burning my face, I opened my eyes to see Alice's eyes looking intently into mine._

"_I want bacon."_

_I laughed. "Bacon? Of all things I could go make for you right now, you want bacon?"_

_Alice grinned and giggled a little bit. I looked down to see her swollen belly. "I love bacon. Crispy please. And don't cut off the fatty bits. They're the best."_

_I shook my head with a laugh as I stood up from the chair. I bowed down and took her hand. "Whatever you wish, my love."_

_Alice smacked my shoulder lightly. "Stop being corny and go cook the bacon"._

I shook awake, sitting up quickly. "Bacon? Seriously..." I ran my hands through my hair and looked outside. It was starting to get light outside. "You're going nuts, Jasper".

I stood up out of the bed and made my way to the bathroom. Maybe a shower and the taking part in the morning walk would help clear my mind. The running water was soothing as it ran down my back, but the smell of the shampoo only made me think of Alice. I had borrowed it off her before she'd left, now every time I washed my hair I could feel her own soft hair, smell its sweet apple scent.

"Fuck it."

Doctor Cullen walked in, papers in his hands. He looked dishevelled, but I didn't stop to ask why. I suppose it's not really my place anyhow.

"Doctor Cullen," I started the moment he sat down.

"Yes, Jasper?" he looked at me with tired eyes.

"I want to see my father."

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**AN – you know how much I like reviews. I'm sorry I'm so crap at updating, but I am trying.**


	23. Invincible Summer

**AN – So… I wonder if I actually still have readers after all this time. I hope I do. I haven't abandoned the story, I promise…**

**Alice's POV**

My slippers made a scuffing sound as I dragged my feet, too lazy to lift them. The corridor is cold, empty, and lifeless. Everyone's gone out on this cool little field trip, except those they don't trust to be without the ever seeing eye of the hospital.

I sighed softly as I look at the clock. It was coming up on 3pm. Everyone would be back soon. Rosalie had gone too. I didn't begrudge her for it. I was just lonely. I hadn't had a moment to be truly alone in the past week, and I could feel my mind starting to slip. I considered things I hadn't thought about except in the dark of the night.

_Good luck getting your hands on something sharp enough._

I rolled my eyes, at myself, more than anything, as I made my way to the nurses office.

A nurse I had never seen before looked up as I approached.

_Great, here I was hoping to catch a break._

"Erm, I was just hoping that someone might come outside with me so I can have a cigarette?"

The nurse looked at her chart quickly. "Is your name Mary Alice?"

"Just Alice, but yeah, that's me." I was growing impatient.

"I'll be one moment, I think you can go outside, but I'm pretty sure there's someone else who'd like to go with you."

My curiosity peaked as I watched her walked to through a door behind her. I shuffled from foot to foot, hoping to catch a glimpse of what was happening. I could hear quiet voices, and then two sets of footsteps making their way back to this area.

I had to blink twice to make sure I wasn't going absolutely nuts.

"Alice," a warm voice greeted me.

I couldn't help but smile back.

"Doc20!" I gasped. "Shit, did I say that out loud?" I cringed. I couldn't believe I'd actually called him Jasper's and my private joke for him. I guess it was my shock at seeing him. If I'm being honest, I'd been mentally thinking about ways to beg him to let me come back to Greenside if I saw him by change. I didn't think it'd actually happen. So what was he doing here? Did he boot another patient out? I found myself getting angry at him all over again. Why had he given up on me?

He looked at me curiously. "You'll have to explain that to me later," he chuckled softly. "I had hoped that you'd given up in your time here."

I was confused for a moment, before I noticed he was holding out my packet of cigarettes the nurses had taken from me. I shrugged. "Well, you know, boredom and all that. Not very conducive to giving up." A snide tone had taken to my voice, and I saw that Doctor Cullen picked up on it.

"How would you like to take a walk, Alice? There's a park just around the corner, and I'm sure you'd like to see some of the outside world?"

Secretly, I loved the idea, but I didn't want my voice to betray me, so I just nodded and held out my hand for the cigarettes.

He looked down at my feet, "you may want to change into some shoes, if you don't mind my suggestion…"

_Crap_

I had completely forgotten that I was only wearing slippers, I walked quickly back to the room, grabbing some socks and a pair of sneakers before meeting Doctor Cullen in the hallway a couple of minutes later.

"Right then, do I have to sign out?"

He shook his head. "I've already made a note that I've taken you from the premises. We just should be back before the other return. We have about forty minutes until then I believe."

The moment we stepped outside I took a cigarette and the lighter out of the packet. Doctor Cullen looked at me. "Do you know how bad they are for you?"

I looked up at him. "Do you know how little I care about what's good and bad for me these days?"

Doctor Cullen nodded. "I do, and I think it's a tragic thing."

I was stumped. I had no comeback to that. Fuck him and his perpetual niceness. I just huffed and continued to walk, focusing on the cigarette a lot more than one would consider normal. It looked awesome when I sucked in a breath and I could see it burning.

After a couple of minutes we rounded a corner, and I heard some children laughing. I looked up to see the park he had been telling me about. It wasn't small, but it certainly wasn't huge by any stretch of the imagination. There was a playground, and a pond. We made our way to a bench that over looked the pond, but had its back to the playground. Some ducks swam toward us, obviously looking for something to eat.

"Poor things, I don't have anything to give them," I said quietly, not really to anyone.

Some movement out of the corner of my eye caught my attention, and I looked over to see Doctor Cullen pull out some bread from his pocket. He handed me a piece, and proceeded to rip his up and throw bits to the ducks.

After a couple of minutes, he spoke again. "So how is it all going for you, Alice? Have you been going to session with the doctor here?"

"I don't really have a choice. They come to get you if you're late."

"Okay, so you've been going. Have you been participating?"

"Sure, I 'spose."

"Alice, give me something to work with here. I'm trying to help you. I know you must hate it there and I get that, but you're not making my life easy. I'm trying to do what I can to get you back to Greenside, but if you're not willing to put in the effort, it's out of my hands. I'm good, Alice, but I'm not that good. Also, I will not risk your life. If it's better for you to be where you are, then I'll leave it at that, but if I can see it's worth bringing you back to Greenside, and that we can help you there, then I will push."

I sat there in silence. I didn't know what I should say. I had assumed that he'd sent me off because they were sick of it. I hadn't actually seriously considered the possibility that it was out of his hands. That he didn't have a choice.

"So do you want to give me something to work with or not?" He didn't seem angry, but he definitely didn't seem happy. I suppose if I had to describe it, he seemed tired, more than anything. He seemed ready to break.

"Okay. Well, I've been going to all the sessions with my doctor, and I've been telling him bits and pieces. Not the whole story, but you never got that either."

"Mmm," Doctor Cullen sounded agreed.

"It's just difficult for me to open up to him. He seems so… up tight!"

Doctor Cullen looked like he was suppressing a laugh. "You're not the first person to say that, but let's keep that between us, shall we?"

I couldn't help but laugh now. I felt my sides start to ache and I leant forward putting my head in my hands, trying to breathe properly. It wasn't even that funny, really. I suppose it was being out in the fresh air, not surrounded by patients, nurses, more patients, and a brick wall and a fence.

Once I managed to compose myself, I pulled myself up to look at him.

He was chuckling, I don't know whether it was at the comment, or just at me, but he was definitely amused.

"Well, Alice. I can safely say that's the first time I have ever seen you laugh like that."

"Does that mean I'm ready to go home?" I asked.

"I don't think so, not yet." Doctor Cullen shook his head. "Don't be disheartened though. Anyone can see the improvement." He looked back at the pond. "Tell me about your time here. What's been happening? Have you made any friends?"

"Well, to be honest, not a lot has happened. Most of the people who were here at the start are still here. There doesn't seem to be as high of a turn over rate as at Greenside. I have made a friend. Her name is Rosalie."

Doctor Cullen looked surprised all of a sudden. I felt offended. "Is it so strange for me to make a friend?"

"No, no not at all, Alice…" he hesitated, "It's just that I used to be Rosalie's doctor as well. She doesn't generally… befriend… people." He looked awkward. "I don't mean to speak ill of her. She's a lovely girl, it's just that… well, I'm very glad that you two are friends."

Time passed, and we talked idly. As we got up to head back to Greenside, Doctor Cullen stopped me.

"Alice, I want you to know, and don't get your hopes too high, but I'm trying to get you back to Greenside. I don't believe you need to be here. I believe you need help, but this sort of care… it can do more damage than good sometimes." He stopped for a moment, rubbing the back of his neck. "I don't know if it'll be within days, or a week, but I'm talking to the respective parties."

I looked him in the eye. "It would mean so much to me if I could go back. I'm trying here. I really am. I just hope I've made enough progress."

_**In the midst of winter, I finally knew that within me was an invincible summer**_

**AN – So, review if you're still out there. Tell me what you thought.**


	24. Confrontations

**AN – two updates, one week? I must be ill. Enjoy. :)**

* * *

**Jasper's POV**

"**In an argument, you don't simply confront the person of your anger. You confront yourself. In doing so, you learn more about yourself and what you're capable of that you could ever have known."**

I paced back and forth, too anxious to do anything else. I couldn't believe I was actually going through with this. I couldn't believe he was late.

Arsehole.

"Jasper, please sit down. You're wearing a hole in the carpet." Doctor Cullen looked at me gently.

"I can't. I just can't believe he's late. Which is stupid, because I barely even want him here anyway." I sat down right on the edge of the lounge in Doctor Cullen's office.

"It's normal to be nervous, Jasper. I don't think this will be easy, for either of you. But it's certainly something that he agreed to come at all. It shows that at the very least, he wants to see you."

Yeah, or he wants to kick my arse again. Either or…

I fought the temptation to say that out loud and instead muttered, "sure he does".

Just as I said that, there was a knock on the door and a nurse popped her head in. She gave Doctor Cullen a meaningful look.

"Give us two minutes and then send him down okay?"

"Sure," the nurse said and she turned down the hallway again.

"Jasper, are you sure you're okay with this?" he checked for the hundredth time today.

"Well, I've got to do it at some point. No time like the present, right?" I said, trying to brush off his concern, and mask my own.

A few moments passed, and there was another tentative knock on the door. Doctor Cullen got up to answer it this time. Opening the door completely, he held out his hand. "Mr Whitlock, my name is Carlisle Cullen, I'm your son's psychiatrist here at Greenside."

"It's Colonel Whitlock, actually, and I already know who you are," my father replied snidely.

Good start then… I think sarcastically to myself.

Doctor Cullen didn't react; he simply stepped aside, and allowed my father in the doorway. "If you would please take a seat over there," he pointed to the seat opposite me. Doctor Cullen, I realised, had wisely placed himself so that he was effectively between us.

"Before we start, do you have a first name I can address you by?" Doctor Cullen asked my father.

No one had ever addressed my father by his first name. I thought he was about to explode.

"Jonathon," he huffed out.

"Okay then, Jonathon. I'm really only here to supervise. I think that this discussion should be between you and your son."

My father looked me up and down. "You ready to apologise for the way you've treated me yet?"

I sat there, almost shocked, even though I knew I shouldn't be. This was he. My father. And he never, ever, changed.

Doctor Cullen looked at me, worry in his eyes.

"No, Sir. I'm not going apologise. I was however, hoping we might be able to discuss some… things… today."

"I don't see what there is to discuss," he replied gruffly.

I sat there. I didn't know what to say.

Doctor Cullen sat forward again. "Jonathon, Jasper tells me you have some… reservations… about his being here at Greenside? Perhaps if you and Jasper would like to discuss those, and Jasper can tell you why he believes being here is the best thing for him?"

"Yes, Jasper. Why don't you tell me how I messed up in raising you? How I managed to bring up such a fucked up little shit?"

That was it. That was all I needed.

I stood up. Doctor Cullen was ready to jump up; I could see him out of the corner of my eye.

"You know what, sir. This has absolutely zero to do with what you did. It was everything you didn't do. It was the nights I was fending for myself. Sure, I had a roof over my head, food in the fridge. I never, not once, had a father there to tell me it would be okay when the monsters came back again. You had no idea what it was like for me. You assumed that I'd be tough. I was your son. I needed help, and you refused to give it to me." I was fuming. I wanted to hit him, but he didn't get up. I wanted him to make the first move.

Instead, he got up, all too calmly.

"I will not be spoken to like that." With that, he left.

"Shit, fuck, shit, fuck, fucking SHIT!"

Doctor Cullen grabbed the arm that was headed to a violent meeting with the wall.

"Jasper, stop!"

My feet gave out and I sunk to my knees. I wanted to cry. I felt pathetic. I hated him. I hated him with every fibre of my being. So if I hated him so much, why did I desperately want him to just approve of me?

"Jasper…" Doctor Cullen's hand grasped my harm. "Don't do this to yourself. You've done what you can."

I pushed myself up of the ground and sat back on the couch. I was ready to fight, and now the adrenalin pulsing through my veins was making my whole body shake. I felt physically sick. I grabbed Doctor Cullen's waste bin, and before I knew what I was doing, what little breakfast I'd eaten reappeared.

"Oh, eurg… Sorry…" I murmured.

"It's fine. You're not the first person to vomit in that bin either."

Why is he always so damn nice about everything?

Some sick part of me wanted him to be angry with me too. So I could feel justified in being angry with myself? Yeah, that's probably it.

"Here, let me take that out. Just stay here, drink this." Doctor Cullen handed me a glass of water. I took it gratefully, taking a long sip before running my hand through my hair. If there was ever a time I thought I needed to shower, it was now.

Doctor Cullen was gone for less than two minutes. When he came back, he was carrying a plate with a couple of dry crackers on it. "I know it's not very appetising, but you definitely should eat something."

He sat there patiently as I tried to force down the cracker and drink the rest of the water.

"Well, that was certainly not how I envisioned that playing out..."

"It was exactly how I thought it would probably go..." I replied bleakly.

Doctor Cullen looked at me. He looked surprised, though I couldn't figure out why. "If that's what you thought would happen, why did you end up deciding to ask him to come? I know I asked, but it was always up to you, Jasper."

"I suppose... I guess that I just wanted to try and..." I had no idea what I was trying to say. "I had hoped it would turn out differently. You have to understand. We have _never_ gotten along well. I was always his failure."

Doctor Cullen wrote something down very quickly on his notes, before nodding. "Well Jasper. I don't approve of yelling like you did just now, but from the sounds of it, it was something that you needed to do. I take it you very rarely stand up to him?"

I shook my head. "No. The last time I did, I got kicked out of home. That's when I started taking... well, pretty well anything I could get my hands on at the time." I put the cup and plate on the table next to me. "Not long after that, two or three months, I was admitted here for the first time. At that point, I didn't tell my psychiatrist about the drugs. I was depressed at that point, and I wanted nothing more than to end everything."

"Okay, so at that point, were you hallucinating yet?"

I almost felt sorry for Doctor Cullen. He was going to have to rewrite pretty much my entire medical history after I finished getting this out.

"No. I even stayed clean for a bit after I was discharged. But then I met someone... a girl. I thought she loved me, and I did... anything... for her. To be with her."

I stood up. "Do you mind if we go outside while we talk about this. I really need a cigarette."

Doctor Cullen stood up. "After you." He motioned toward the door.

I looked at the time. "Don't you have other patients to get to as well?" I asked.

"In case you haven't noticed, the ward's been pretty quiet lately. Not that I think that's a bad thing. But it does mean that when I'm not with patients, I have to catch up on the mountain of paperwork that I try my hardest to put off until the very last moment." He laughed a bit. "Besides, I saw my only other patient here before you this morning."

We made our way outside. It was a little bit overcast, but overall, a pretty nice day. It didn't seem to fit today's events. It felt like it should be raining. Stormy.

"So, Jasper. Tell me more about this girl."

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**AN – Well, what do you think?**


	25. Many the Miles

**AN –An update? How strange. Hope you like. x**

"You're freaking kidding me, right?" Rosalie jumped up from her bed. I couldn't tell if she was angry or excited or both. I shook my head, it seemed inappropriate to actually answer her question. I was pretty sure it was rhetorical anyway. "Well then, you might get out of here before me. That blows. Finally someone I can get along with, and they get to leave."

"It's not definite yet. My doctor from Greenside still has to actually convince both hospitals it's the best thing."

Rosalie sighed, sitting back down. "I guess it annoys me because I know it's what's best for you. I know it's going to happen. I'll just miss you."

"You know, Rose. We could always stay friends after this. Lord knows I need new friends, and you're probably the closest thing I have to a best friend at the moment. So if I do go back to Greenside, why don't we just make sure we keep in contact? I have a cell phone. It's currently locked away from me so I can't use it, but I can give you the number, and so when you get out of here, you can call me, or text me, and we can meet up again." I knew that I sounded desperate, but as happy as I was to have a chance to get back to Greenside, I really didn't want to lose the friend I had come to find in Rosalie.

"I was hoping you'd say something like that. I guess I just don't want to lose the one friend I seem to have at the moment." Rosalie looked like she was about to cry. "I don't think I'm ever going to get out of here. I'm trying so hard but no one is giving me any indication I'm getting better. Emmett is the only nurse here who actually seems to acknowledge my efforts."

"Rose, you will get better. I know you will. I know you will because when you get out of here you have to jump Emmett's bones." I couldn't believe I'd just said that and broke down into laughter. Rosalie joined me, the topic quickly changed from me leaving into what Emmett would be like in bed.

"Alice, sit down," Doctor Cullen said patiently.

I took a seat on one a chair outside. It was a sunny afternoon, and Doctor Cullen had come with his answer as to whether or not I could come back to Greenside or not. It had been 3 days since he took me to the park.

There were two nurses with him, one of them Emmett, the other a female nurse I'd seen around from time to time.

"Well, Alice, how are you going today?" Emmett spoke first.

I looked at them with confusion. "I'm good, thanks..." I said hesitantly. I never did understand why people insisted on small talk, especially when there was obviously a huge freaking elephant standing on the top of the fucking table.

"Alice before we start, we need to ask you a question and we need you to answer with all honesty." It was Doctor Cullen speaking this time.

I nodded. "Shoot."

"If you go back to Greenside tomorrow, where do you see yourself in a month from now?"

Okay, that was a tough one. I had so many things I knew I wanted in my life, but I'd always felt like there was never any way for me to achieve them, or that I wasn't good enough to have them. Lately, there had been a little bit of hope shining toward that again. I hadn't been able to voice them though, for fear that once I did, they would automatically become impossible to achieve.

I spoke, slowly at first, "I hope... I want to see myself starting to set up a new apartment. I suppose I would also really like to look into to enrolling in a college course. I'd like to have a job. But that might be too much to hope for in a month. I can see myself out of hospital. I think I'm nearly ready. There are just a few things I need to do before I leave."

Doctor Cullen nodded. "I have convinced the hospitals to transfer you again Alice, but there's a catch."

"Mmm?" Why did there always have to be a catch?

"You have to apply for jobs while you're with us. Once you have a job, you'll continue your treatment with us, but you'll start to look for somewhere to live. Once that's lined up, you'll move in there, and continue to have regular sessions with myself as an outpatient. As for enrolling in college, I think that would be a fantastic idea, but one that I think you should think about very carefully."

I didn't say anything. It all seemed overwhelming. But at the same time I knew that it was something I had to do. I couldn't leave hospital and go back to where I was before.

"Do you agree with that? Is it a fair plan?"

My hands fidgeted with the hem of my tee-shirt. "Yes. It's just scary to think about. It'll be a lot of work."

"We know, trust me. But it'll be easier for you to do it when you're with us than when you leave. The extra support, we hope, will make the transition out of hospital less of a shock to the system. There are, obviously, other things we will discuss when you come back."

I felt like I was going to vomit. I was happy about going back, and I could finally see an end (a good one) to all of this mess. But at the same time I was so nervous. There was so much to do, and it seemed like it needed to be done in such a short period of time.

_Jasper..._

I would see Jasper again.

_Is he even still there?_

It was burning question, but one that seemed far too inappropriate to ask. I didn't want Doctor Cullen and the others to think that I wanted to go back for the wrong reasons. It would make me ecstatic to see Jasper again. I missed him like nothing I thought I was capable off. That wasn't the reason I wanted to go back to Greenside though.

"Well then Alice." Doctor Cullen stood up. "Shall we take that as a yes, you'd like to come back?"

"Doctor Cullen, I will be packed and ready to go as soon as you need me to be."

Two hours and a whole lot of paperwork later, I was standing in front of Rosalie.

"I really am going to miss you, Alice. You've been awesome."

I smiled. "I'll miss you too, Rose. It's not going to be that long though. Remember, you're going to get out of here soon too. Then we can catch up and talk about how you finally got Emmett."

Rosalie laughed. "I may get out of here, but don't get your hopes up about Emmett." She stepped in and wrapped her arms around me tightly. "Be safe."

I stepped away, "I promise". With her number in my pocket, I made my way to the nurses' desk to let them know I was ready to go.

The ride back to Greenside was uneventful. The two nurses and psychologist escorting me made small talk, but mainly it was just awkward. After 10 minutes of them trying to force conversation about where I grew up and at one stage even a lively conversation about how coffee was best made, we ended up sitting in silence for the rest of the trip.

It felt surreal stepping out of the car and seeing Greenside again. I hadn't actually taken much notice of the front before. As far as hospitals felt, it felt welcoming. There were stretches of garden beds, with birds drinking out of a bird bath. If it was anywhere except a psych ward, I would have thought it was almost peaceful. I suppose in a way it still was.

A nurse came to meet me outside. I turned to look at her. "Chantelle!" I smiled, quite genuinely.

"Welcome back, Alice." Chantelle placed a hand on my shoulder, gently guiding me inside. "We're a bit short staffed today, so I won't be able to stay with you for long. Doctor Cullen said he'd be around in about an hour to see you. In the meantime, I'll get you set up in your room. Unfortunately for you, you have to have a room close to the nurses' desk now."

I nodded, but I wasn't really listening. My eyes were caught on a mop of blonde hair, attached to the most beautiful face I'd ever seen.

_Not to mention that body._

I'd forgotten how… amazing… Jasper looked. He didn't seem to have noticed me, and he turned to walk down the corridor to his rooms.

My heart sunk a little. I don't know why, and I know it was irrational, but I sort of thought that maybe he'd notice me.

_Alice, stop._

I chided myself. I couldn't let this get in the way. There was so much that I needed to do now. So much that I needed to think about.

I needed to make a list.

**AN – I do like lists. They make me pretty happy. I spend more time making lists of things that I should do and that I need than I do actually doing the things I should be doing. It could be the procrastinator in me, and it explains why I take so long to update.**


	26. Small Change

**AN – Excuse my lack of prescence once again. I got thrust into a manager's position at work and have been flat out and when I am free I'm doing my partners washing, or the dishes, or cooking, or sleeping. But I hope this is enough to keep you satisfied for a bit. The fic is nearing its end. I just have to decide what the ending is going to be like.**

* * *

**Jasper's POV**

"Oh, holy shit!" I flopped onto the bed as my mind ran through what I had just seen. I didn't know if I was hallucinating or not. I'd seen her a few times since she left. Or at least I thought I had. Every time I thought I'd seen her when I looked again she wasn't there. The space was always either empty, or it was just someone who looked a little bit like her. With my head in my hands I focused on breathing.

_Alice…_

I so hoped it was real, but I didn't want to go out again and check. I didn't know if she'd even want to see me. I don't know if I even wanted to see her. I still don't know what happened between us. If anything would happen. Was now even the right time for something to happen? So much had happened since Alice left.

A knock on the door made me jump slightly. I pushed my hair out of my face.

_Note to self, get a haircut when I get out of here._

"Yeah?" I tried to sound casual as I stood up from the bed, ready to greet whoever opened the door.

"Jasper?" a voice came from the other side of the door.

_Oh…_

Disappointed cursed through me as I went to the door to answer it myself.

"Chantelle." I forced myself to smile. A stupid part of me had thought that it was Alice, coming to tell me she was back.

"Jasper, how are you today?" Chantelle stepped into the room and glanced around.

"Yeah, okay I suppose." I stood there awkwardly for a moment. "Did you want something?" I didn't mean for it to come out as rude as it did.

"There's a session on in a couple of minutes and…"

I tuned out at that point. I looked past Chantelle, out the doorway, and there she was. She looked… absolutely fucking amazing. I didn't know what it was, but she looked different. She almost looked happy. At the angle I was at I could see that she was talking to someone, but I couldn't tell who. I felt like something was tied to my centre, and I was being pulled toward her. It took all the effort I could muster not to run over to her, to pull to toward me. I wanted nothing more than to hold her.

"Jasper?" Chantelle's voice pulled me out of it. She glanced behind her, following my gaze and turned back, smiling. "Yeah, Alice came back this morning. I know you'll get a chance to go and say hi soon, but for now, Doctor Cullen would really like you to go to the session they're about to start."

I nodded. I had no desire to go, but I knew that I really didn't have a choice. Chantelle was putting it gently that he'd like me to go. In reality, if I didn't go to these sessions I wouldn't be able to stay here in Greenside. "Sure, let me just…" I stopped. I had absolutely nothing I needed to do or get. Sighing, I stepped out of the room and forced myself to walk past Alice.

I took my seat in the therapy room, close to the window. I took a piece of paper and I pen from the table in the centre, and being idly drawing in the corner of the page as I waited for the door to shut, and the session to begin. During the past week, a few more people had been admitted to Greenside, making it more crowded than it had been since I was admitted. Just as a nurse began to shut the door, Alice's small frame pushed her way through the remaining gap. She looked at the nurse apologetically and proceeded to make her way toward the window. My breathing quickened, there was a seat free next to me, and a part of me hoped desperately she would take it. Instead she took the seat one down from there, a small side table separating us. It wasn't much, but it felt like miles. I couldn't help but feel a little hurt. She hadn't made any form of eye contact or any gesture to acknowledge me.

_Maybe she's realised it's better for her to not be with you._

I sighed, and leant my head back against the window.

"Good afternoon all, let us begin."

* * *

The sessions are usually long, but somehow having Alice close to me made the clock stop completely. After what felt like years, and two speakers later, we were mercifully let go. I stood up, about to tap Alice on the shoulder but as I reached out, she slipped out of my reach and was out of the door within seconds.

My shoulders slumped and I let out a breath I hadn't realised I'd been holding. Sighing, I left the room last, hoping to get out into the fresh air…to ruin my lungs.

_Ironic_

I turned the corner into the corridor, only to be stopped.

"Jasper, there you are."

"Doctor Cullen, do we have an appointment? I must've forgotten, sorry." I tried to be polite while my mind cursed the fact that now I'd be stuck inside for at least another half an hour, probably more, considering the fact Alice was back, and no doubt he wanted to set down some rules, tell me to stay away, don't interfere with her recovery, yada yada.

"Oh, no we don't." He held his hand toward the door leading outside.

"Thanks." I pulled a cigarette and lighter out of my hand, and within seconds of stepping outside, lit up. "So, if we don't have an appointment, what's up?"

Doctor Cullen stood awkwardly. "Chantelle mentioned that you saw Alice earlier. I wanted to tell you she was coming back, but unfortunately I couldn't, for a multitude of different reasons." He coughed. "But that's not what I'm here about. I have some news."

I tilted my head slightly, "go on?"

"I know someone who owns a cinema, two blocks from here. One of their usher's recently left, leaving an opening. It's only one day of work a week so far. I thought you might be interested in applying for it.

"So far it's only one day of work a week, but I thought it would give you good opportunity to start somewhere before we toss you out into the real world again."

My mind felt like it was going to explode. "Wait a second… are you telling me I can have a job there if I want it?"

Doctor Cullen said nothing, merely tilting his head forward slightly.

"Do you think it would be good for me?"

"I think that any rehabilitation outside of hospital a patient can get before they are released is always good for them, even if it turns out to be damn hard on them."

"Okay…"

Doctor Cullen looked at me intently. "So, you'd like to give it a go then?"

I shrugged. "I suppose, yes. I would." I couldn't hold in a tiny smile that tugged against my lips.

_**Change is good.**_

_**Small, large.**_

_**Save up the small,**_

_**Buy yourself a large change.**_

_**-Anon**_


End file.
